The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I think my A has alerted me to her drinking again by my realization that the anger, mean streak, weight gain, and going to bed as soon as she gets home, is the drinking person. There is a second personality who can be quite nice, helpful, and sincere. Lately, the nice person is seen maybe once a month, and this other person who looks like my spouse is around most of the time. I think I easily fall into denial after years of being deceived, but it hit me yesterday afternoon, and I discussed it in my F2F.
I am saddened as I thought we were passed this. I will talk about this in our joint therapy next week. I have a lot of thinking to do, and perhaps decisions to make. Lyne
Sending you support, Lyne. I am sorry that this is happening in your life, but see the realization you have as positive... no more deception, right? Whatever your decisions, you have the power of your HP with you... the support of Program with you. Please take care.
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Hello Lyne. I too am sorry that you are facing this. Your joint therapy will be a good safe place to broach it. Time and guidance from your HP will bring you to where you need to be. I find it so interesting and curious that things can be right in front of us.....for awhile....and then BAM....it becomes very apparent what is/has been happening. I am sending prayers and support.
It really sounds like you are taking things as they come. I know a lot of people believe that once they or their partner achieves sobriety the hard part is done. If only it was really that easy. It really is one day at a time for all involved. I remember having a conversation with my XMIL and her response to my X drinking (yet again and the DUI he had at the time) was he went to rehab he should be fixed. She was also an active alcoholic ironically.
As painful as this is you sound like your in a good place, awareness acceptance and action. It really is about what you want to do. I also agree pretending that it's not happening counseling is a good place to bring it up and a safe environment to go with.
Big hugs again,
S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
For me, one ingredient was ACCEPTANCE. Another was EXPECTATIONS. A third was ME STAYING ON MY SIDE OF THE STREET.
One thing I learned is that if I am doing the work, if I am working my program, if I am doing what I am supposed to be doing to get better, be healthy, etc. -- then my AW drinking or starting to drink again -- DOES NOT IMPACT ME so that I am not happy, healthy, etc.
When I would get alerted to my AW drinking/drinking again -- and I could tell from her behavior, and many many other things -- for me, the second side of her, the sober her, the nice her, all of that...WAS NOT enough for me to not be disappointed. Oh, disappointed? EXPECTATIONS!!! That's about me!!! Why does her drinking dictate me, my feelings, my behavior, etc.? That's about me! However, don't get me wrong...I am not saying I nor any other person should IGNORE or be completely IMMUNE to it. But am I doing everything I can...am I keeping my side of the street clean, and not looking over at how dirty or clean her side of the street clean. I could have 6 days a week of the nice person, even 6 days a week of the sober person...but that 1 day a week? It's about me!
So, what is our problem? What is our struggle? We become guilty of DENIAL. We become guilty of ACCEPTING UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR. We become guilty of COMPLACENCY, which breeds SETTLING. We become guilty of TOLERATING...and we justify, rationalize, vacillate, deny, convince, negotiate, ignore, defend, and so much more. All of this is why we have a program, a track to follow, a way to live our life...you get out of the program what you want and what you put into it. Period.
For me, my goal was to get healthy, get better...to get to a place where I could think, clearly, from a place of intellect, from a place of being clear-headed, rational, calm, and so on. When I get to a place like that...what can I do? I can make decisions, from that place! Not duress, fear, pain, emotion, anxiety, and so on. The maze always ends at the place...is this the life I want to live? Is this the way I want to live my life?
NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
It's so great seeing someone work their program, Lyne.
You're using your tools as you know they're available.
I've heard often that relapse is actually a part of the addict's recovery journey. That said, of course you get to work with yourself, your HP, and those who know your story well on whether or not this is something you wish to live with.
I'm so glad you're here and sharing this journey with us. A lot of people here learn so much from honest and open shares such as yours.
I am also sorry that addiction still wants to go another round with your partner.
(((Lyne))) - I also love your awareness, acceptance and action. You've got a plan - pray about it, talk about it, etc. I have suggested that there have been times in my recovery where I felt that the God of my understanding whacked me upside the head - similar to what you're experiencing - awareness and then more is revealed. I hope your counseling session is a safe place for you to say what you mean and mean what you say. It's never easy to watch those we love self-destruct. It is only through Al-Anon recovery that I've learned that I must love me more/too! Sending you tons of positive energy, thoughts and prayers!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Yes, I recall so well how I never knew who was going to walk through the door at the end of the day. I also remember the smooth sailing, thinking our troubles were over and done with, all water under the bridge...
BOTH of us forgetting the pain and humiliation of the last time.... and ME being so let down and terribly disappointed when it happened again.
until I woke up and saw that this "pattern" is something we both do. Yes it seemed he had two different personalities.
But so did I.
...the one who is detached. and the one still VERY MUCH attached to outcomes.
For me, the eleventh step is vital to my recovery, where the change occurs in me and my personality. I keep my feet planted in powerlessness over others actions, attitudes and behaviors.... but your post reminds me of how I had to make a very firm decision to take my commitment to HP and recovery efforts deeper. while it always LOOKS like it's about them and things on the outside....
that is our delusion.
-- Edited by 2HP on Thursday 23rd of May 2019 07:49:04 AM
I can't tell you how much I appreciate all your combined ESH. It is a tremendous source of comfort and support, to know that many understand my situation, because you have lived it. Thank you so much, Lyne
