The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, at one of my bday parties this weekend I was talking to a much younger friend. She's 29 and I'm 49 now. I was complaining about my age and how my body is definitely feeling older. It takes me longer to recover from a hard workout session, my skin is starting to show that crepe-y look, I have lines and wrinkles, and the veins on my hands are awful looking (but they remind me of my mom and grandmother so I try to ignore those). Anyway, her response to me was, "You ARE NOT old! You're just experience enhanced! Look at all the life lessons you have under your belt."
While that may be true, I have been having moments of frustration this week when it comes to my career path and beating myself up for staying home for 16 years and not working on a career. I had to reinvent myself at 45 and I am truly hurting financially as far as preparation for retirement, etc. I work in finance for a large brokerage firm so money and numbers are part of my life and I wish that I had more put away for the future. I make enough today to pay for my bills and I love my home, I have a good reliable car that is relatively new, and I can even afford a vacation here and there. But, I do wish I had done things differently. I know things happened for a reason. I know my son probably needed me at home all those years since his dad was such an emotional mess. But, when I look at my paltry retirement accounts, I realize I'll be working until the day I drop dead. And, that reality sucks.
And, would someone please tell my shoulder, hips, knees, and left elbow to stop talking to me? I want to walk into my 50s in the best shape of my life but damn these joint aches and pains!
:)
Have a great day everyone!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Happy birthday, I hear you, i will be 48 soon! I like that and we are enhanced.
I feel similar to you. I work with women young enough to be my daughters and they are in a much more financially secure position than me. I dont own my home yet, I have a basic reliable car I have very little savings but I lived with an alcoholic husband and life was about survival within a disease that distorted and disturbed my thought processes so all these 'normal' things were not available to me, never. I also walked out on that life with nothing, i didn't own a fork for 2 years!
So looking back into the should haves just disrespects my journey. I could never have done any of that stuff in the environment I was in at the time, no one could so therefor i'm not adding that to my little list of self hate talks.
You, me we did the best we could with what we had and knew at the time, full stop. We are survivors, material possessions and all the trimmings that promise happiness are lies anyway, we know that. Best thing for the future is prayers and your higher power, ask for the help you require for your peace of mind for your future and enjoy your birthday you look great and your an alanon woman what more do you want?
-- Edited by el-cee on Thursday 16th of May 2019 08:40:17 AM
I hear ya, Andromeda, so I am giving you huge hugs right now!!! ((((((A))))))
I have had to go back to school, reinvent myself, begin a new career, work with people 1/2 my age, & start over with nothing financially too... all in my mid fifties! When I dwell on it, I am very sad that I will be one of those 75 year-olds working at fast food or a movie theater (probably too old mentally for my current job, but unable to retire).
That is when I dig into ACCEPTANCE. I must accept that is where my life is now. I must accept that was one of the bi-products of staying with my addicted spouse for so long. And yes, it is even one of the bi-products of choosing to be a part-time worker/stay-at-home Mom. Like you, I see now that decision was the best one for my kid's upbringing, given the situation we were facing. I would give anything up for him, so I made the "right" decision.
Like you, I am beginning to see the signs of aging, where I blissfully had very few before. I find that good quality CBD oil products have helped tremendously! I no longer go to bed with Mr. Ibuprofen!!! In fact, all pain/inflammation meds of any kind have been discontinued!
A week ago, 2 people I knew (both my age group), dropped dead. One of a heart attack, the other from a brain hemorrhage... both completely unexpected! That was a wake-up call to me! Live each day fully!!
I love your new Avatar!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Second of all, it's all about perspective, and I chuckled when I read your post - it made me think of "first world problems vs third world problems" (attachment)
All kidding aside - you should be proud of who you are, how much recovery you have under your belt, and the awesome journey you have thrived and survived on thus far!
Since Ill be turning 63 next month, 49 sounds good! I also hear you on the changes and how it starts to hit you that time isnt standing still. I made many changes in my mid-to-late adulthood, but that was/is my life journey. We do the best we are able at each phase. HP has our back and no matter how enhanced we get, lets live the hell out of it!
Happy, Happy Belated Birthday!!! You're a young one to me too. I'm going to turn 57 this year. I have never been too concerned about wrinkles, age spots, etc. as I really, really believe that beauty comes from within. I've never had an issue getting attention from the 'oppo sex' and it's truly not about looks here...
I relate to David - only one side - rotator cuff pain and tennis elbow all on my primary side. However, I have found exercises and stretches that allow me to still do golf and softball. I am of the mindset that I will keep being as active as possible as that keeps one young. My parents are 83 (turning 84 this year) and my dad still golfs 3-4 days a week. My mother just stopped about 5 years ago, but filled her time with Bingo and a few other card type outings.
I have more smile lines than wrinkles and blame the disease for the wrinkles!! Why not - causes stress, worry, etc. I still run 5-7 miles each morning and take no medication and very few supplements. Most of the folks I play softball with are in their 20-30's and they call me grandma! I am actually very grateful that I am still alive, am healthy and can tolerate aches/pains to be active. Fundamentally, I view age as just a number, and have never let it affect who I am, what I do, how I act, etc. I agree that we're enhanced!!!
I find much more authenticity with other enhanced friends. We set aside pretenses and truly focus on what is and what matters. I can genuinely say that my 50(s) have been better than my 40(s) and truly do expect my 60(s) to be even better. When I say that I believe the best is yet to come - I really do believe this. God willing, I am excited to continuing the aging process and hope that my maturity catches up one day. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I think you're awesome and resilient. I just make millenial status, the first lot. Millenials are forecast to be the first generation worse off all round than the preceding generation: higher likelihood of major war, critical environmental status, global financial instability. I still work towards traditional goals like home ownership, career stability, higher education. But my very deep down feeling is not to get attached to the idea of comfortable predictability the way maybe grandma had and mum might still end within. We don't know what the future holds, I'm convinced though that survival is a skill we possess in abundance on this board as recoverers. Happy happy belated birthday to one of my recovery mama heroes.
We really do have a disease of perceptions, don't we?
I'm 42, and I tell you every year on my birthday I celebrate. I made it around the sun another time. I'm still here. And maybe this sounds trite, but I keep telling myself every year that I just keep getting better and better. When I hit 40 I told myself "my 40's are going to be AWESOME". When I hit 50, I'm going to do the same. Each big landmark birthday that comes along, I keep telling myself it's going to be AH-FREAKIN-MAZING.
Aging and all of that circles me back around to step one. I am most certainly powerless over the fact that I'm human and aging just happens. When I start fretting about it then my life starts to feel unmanageable.
So I give my will and my *life* over to the care of God.
Trust, trust, trust.
I'm in a not so great place financially, too. Lots of regrets there if I choose to focus on them. When I do catch myself going down that dark, gloomy road, I turn back to God and remember that everything is going to be okay. God sees the bigger picture so I'm going to trust that God will take care of me - in all aspects - physically, emotionally, spiritually, and financially.
Getting old is part of life, this is what I tell myself. I can go into my old age feeling good and taking care of myself. I try not to dwell on the negative aspects of getting old because this doesnt accomplish anything positive. I try to let God worry about my future. I know whatever happens that Hod will be by my side.
In the meantime, I do whatever I can to survive.
I was at an event.this week that was all young people. I have to say I.found it really boring. It was a selfie marathon of superficilaity. I felt the way I looked was always a primary reflection of my worth for most of my life. I was quite shocked by how superficial and empty it was.
I definitely would not want to be 20 again on.any level. Being old for some of us in.al anon means getting to be in a place where we are free of the obsessions and issues that consumed us for decades.
I certainly spent most of my life regretting where I came from. When I was 14 I was hospitalized with an illness that consumed me for decades. The side effects of the medication I took bloated my appearance and caused scars on my skin. So I dont equate years with sickness. Indeed throughout my life partly because of my illness I endured other life threatening events. Aging is nothing like being desperately I'll.
Getting to old is an immense achievement it isnt a symbol of failure. I know for me given some of my life experiences I am more than lucky to have got to the point of being older. In fact for a long time I was hell bent on not getting there at all.
Grief is a normal part of life. I really do not compare my life to others anymore because I worked pretty hard to get to here.
One psychiatrist who I heard years ago said #your contemporaries didn't make it#
For me beating myself up and finding fault with myself was a way I coped. These days I try to be better, not go beyond my boundaries and have reasonable expectations. At one time in my life my appearance was #everything# that was the way I got the love I.so desperately craved. I looked good but I felt terrible and was completely dependent on what others thought of me
I.dont calibrate how I am these days in age or experience because maturity, compassion and acceptance are more important to me than ever. Acceptance was not something I.could tolerate before because I felt acceptance was saying all the problems I had were okay. Acceptance was in the end the absolute opposite.
Maresie
I love how Betty says it keeps getting better! Truly I love that.
I am training to do some long distance hikes this summer and I went for a 5.5 mile hike yesterday by myself. I carried more weight in my pack than I normally do and it was hard on my knees and my quads seized up later in the day, lol. But, I am determined to get back into shape. I've bee doing 30 minute strength training or cardio training workouts about 3-4 times a week now. Just doing my best to age gracefully, lol!
My bf is so awesome, though. I'm nearly 6 years older than him and he NEVER makes a comment about my age. I just got braces put on my teeth and although I feel they are so obvious and in everyone's face, he thinks they're cute. I wish I felt that way but I'm still sore and my cheeks are all cut up so maybe I'll feel that way in the future. I'm doing my best to just take care of myself, no matter what and to make sure I do age with grace and love for myself. I gave a lot of my energy and emotional support to my EXAH for so many years, I'm still amazed that I'm functioning as well a I am emotionally today. Because I was a basket case just a few short years ago.
Hope everyone is having a fantastic start to their short work week (if you have one, that is).
B
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Kudos on the 5.5 mile hike... You are WOMAN, hear you ROAR! LOL!!!! Keep up the great work on yourself!!!
I want so badly to begin hiking again... I am just so fearful of going out alone (as a woman). I have begun to check into hiking groups... I just need to find one with the same level as me! LOL!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I'm 70. I really pouted when I turned 50. I pouted for 4 years. But it was like losing my virginity, which I'd been taught to believe was a damn-you-to-hell sin. Time passed and it turns out, things are such as they are, and we can learn from everything. In fact, I've decided that every awful thing that has ever happened to me can work to my benefit when I look at it that way. And I'm an author, so it's all fodder for the creative machine. There are things I wish I had done, too, but "they" say that in the end, what a person regrets the most is what they didn't do, the ones my mom told me were a sin. I've found this to be the case.
When I was in my late 30s I attended a writers conference. After the classes were done for the day some of the attendees met at the hotel bar to listen to a live band and dance. (Dancing was a sin when I grew up.)The person who was having the best time was not the one who was 20, 30, 40 or 50. Her name was Easter Lily. She was 76. She was the one who was asked to dance the most - why? Because she sparkled. She'd had a hard life. We'd learned a little about it through her works she read to the class. She'd learned and grown, and I decided when I grew up to be 76, I wanted to be like her. I'm still working on it.
Welcome to MIP WildFlower - glad you found us and so glad you joined right in! Keep coming back - there is always hope and help in recovery!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks Iamhere. I put up a little about one my issues in the How to Stop Arguing thread. The thread really helped me. Dealing with an alcoholic seems to be a lot like dealing with a three-year-old extreme brat. Right now I'm practicing mindfulness and working on not allowing someone else's issues to ruin my life. As everyone here knows, it's not an easy task.
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