The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I got into an argument with my spouse last night. It contained all of the old characteristics from when the disease was raging in my life with the exception of the physical.
I hate being controlled and then yet I had no control over my actions thoughts and desires. I was pissed and forceful and left the room with memories of "what it was like, what happened and what it is like now".
I was reacting and when I do that all true vision and care, consideration and empathy disappear. It became "all about me" while I was accusing my spouse for doing that. Done, Over Done, Burn't to a crisp...I went to bed leaving warnings and other trash in my wake.
I spent most of the evening working mentally the steps 3 to 7 as honestly and deeply as I could keeping my ego (easing God Out) out of the inventorying and then making a mental list of recovery process I was not doing...the honesty process and finally falling asleep.
Part of my dream process was as if I was hunting my sponsor down who was on another is land and knowing I needed sponsor time as soon as possible.
I woke up telling myself I didn't need a meeting supported by the fact that now I am almost completely deaf. I know better than to try that with my HP cause my HP isn't a new comer. I went as my HP informed me that I could still see and feel. I went and the first thing that happened was that the fellowship came forward to demonstrated the feeling. The power and assurances of the touch in program are miraculous.
I checked my cell phone which I cannot ever hear ring and the first message was from my sponsor asking me how I was doing. The answer is to be truthful so I am practicing honesty.
I read as many body language messages as I could and my spirit quieted...I was home, I was in save harbor. This spiritual endeavor was and is working me and now I can do catch up sleep for a while to get the sanity feeling back.
I came home and did a "direct amends" with my wife and kept it appropriate and honest will now continue the process with what I learned. She is helpful and caring; not controlling and demanding. Thanks for letting me share. (((Hugs)))
(((Jerry))) - sending you tons of support, hugs and energy! I hear you and have no doubt that when 'life events' happen, HP shows us the way. We are still imperfect humans with free will so it's on us to follow. Remaining humble, authentic and teachable in recovery has given me the ability to look for solutions instead of dwelling on the cause/fault and to return to sanity faster than before! You got this, and I can only imagine how different life is right now without your 'ears'....Hang tight and keep doing you - it works when we work it!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I found it very interesting that you immediately felt that the argument/outburst was like "old behaviors." I guess I was kind of surprised that someone (you) that has been in Program for so long, and really knows how to "Do this" could be struggling with old behaviors. Then I read Temple's reply to your post. It reminded me of the repartee between my mom and dad. She has very limited hearing with her aids, and is now legally blind. This loss of control of her own body feels like a betrayal of herself, and they have many arguments due to the loss of her faculties. She puts negative meaning into words my father says, when there aren't any there. I think to myself, "If only she could hear the tone of his actual words!" And my father is very impatient at her need to "know everything" - her response to not being able to see with her own eyes.
Your post made me think of three things: 1. No one is perfect, and even veterans to this WOL need to "work it."
2. Perhaps what you are feeling is the loss of control (betrayal of your own body).
3. Look at the way you are handling this incident! With grace & dignity and humility. You never fail to inspire, Jerry!
Thank you for posting this. Your insight into your behaviors teaches me, guides me. I am reminded by both you and Iamhere, that I should always be aware to be Humble, Authentic, and Teachable in recovery!
Wishing you a peaceful weekend.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Mahalo PnP...your wishing is having its affect on my weekend and I will see and tell what else comes about. It already has helped to touch a double winner and her 17 year old daughter who were at the AA by the bay group working a 12th step and maybe not even aware how HP was using all of us. Mahalo HP.
Now I am home and my Al-Anon spouse is doing service to it also...Whaaaaa!!
I think many agree that IAH does inspire...giggling....(((Hugs)))
Sounds like a lovely day to me brother! One of many reasons I love Saturday and Sunday are because they include meetings that I dearly love...
PnP - speaking only for me, I am who I am today because others who came before me were patient, loving, willing and present for me at my darkest moments in my life. I am not unique in how much pain I arrived with and truly did not see any lights through my darkness. When I say I am beyond words grateful, it's not lip service - it's a genuine internal feeling that I can not adequately describe.
I am glad that today was a better day brother - the best is yet to come!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hey, now wait just a cotton-pickin' minute here....
You mean to tell me that our wonderful JerryF is NOT perfectly serene, zen, and recovered - 100% of the time???? Say it ain't so!!!!!
Hehe.... just teasing Jerry, as you well know. A great reminder post that it truly does work if we work it, and it does NOT work, if we do NOT work it....
Hugs, and glad to have the wonderful, imperfect, learning, loving, Miracle-in-Progress of our wonderful JerryF back in all his glory
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
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