The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Reading on line here, I just had an AH moment. By being in toxic abusive active alcoholic relationships, I am abusing myself. I allow active alcoholism (the person using) to abuse me because I have low self esteem and do not value myself. I allow their sickness to become mine and I begin to act and think like them. I have no self. I do not value myself. I do not believe in myself, or my ability to be one on own. I have lived to this moment in time on my own and I can make it, with or without the alcoholic. Why do I need the validation of a sick person to make me feel good? The active alcoholic will never make me feel worthy. Rather they will vomit their garbage on to me and I will personalize it and make it my truth and down I go with them. I see that I am a whole person on my own. I can and will stand up for me! I do not need the validation of a drunk to make me feel good about myself. I can get the good feelings elsewhere. I was thinking of the people I dumped, 2 men in one week, and I know they were both active alcoholics. I seen it. They have absolutely nothing to offer to me but misery and pain. Is this what I want in my life? I endured many years of this mistreatment and enough is enough. I deserve much better.
Plan B is do not take what the active alcoholic says and does as the truth. Its all BS, for them to get what they want at the time be it attention or sex or sympathy.
Yes!!! You are so right!!! Congratulations on the epiphany!!!
Are you a victim, or are you a volunteer -- a question my sponsor used to ask me when I was in a toxic relationship, and I was accepting unacceptable behavior, when I was being manipulated, taken advantage of, being dumped on, controlled, hurt, etc. The other person? Focus on me. I was allowing this. I was bringing it upon myself vis a vis perpetuation. I was certainly contributing to it. I could say NO. I could say ENOUGH. I could leave -- with grace, dignity, self-respect, and class.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
This post is such a keeper Joker - what a wonderful and empowering message. You had me punching the air in delight!!! (And yes, recognition too. I definitely signed up for a while!)
Joker, your aha moment is tremendous! I was a member of the doormat club but resigned after several years in alanon. For all the reasons you mentioned in your share, I have learned to take care of me and listen to my thoughts and feelings. Alcohol is a wicked addiction and it sucks in the loved ones if we allow it, Lyne
Joker, thank you so much for sharing this! You made my day.
When I worked Step Four I discovered that low self-esteem was my character defect that had caused me to be in painful situations, even dangerous ones. The program has helped me see that, and to climb out of that dark place and into the light.
I love what you said, "I am a whole person on my own." Me too! Let's enjoy this beautiful day, we are worth it.
Wonderful "AHA!" moment, Joker!! Thank you so much for posting this inspiring message!!
When I worked my 2nd Step 4, I too found out that I was truly insecure. Such low self-esteem from someone with such bravado! I truly was living a lie, and wearing a mask. I had done that for so long, I believed my own cover-up. It seriously took me a "hot moment" to realize that many of my behaviors were based in that low self-esteem.
Keep working on YOU! Recovery is looking good on you!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Joker - your post reminds me of the three A(s) - Awareness, Acceptance, Action. I do not believe Aha moments are by accident - I believe they are brought forward when we are ready to know, see, change!! Great Awareness and love that you're willing to take action necessary to love yourself and change. Keep doing you and keep coming back - you are worth it!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Joker.. I had that AH moment. I used to believe what came out of my Ah mouth. Now I just think of it as bla bla bla. I know now he is not capable of telling any truth. But once I knew this it made me be ok that I do not need his advice or decisions. Alcohol robs so much of a person. I dont like what they become..
Really it makes life so much easier to not seek the truth. Who do I seek truth from is myself and be happy that I can be truthful..
Joker.. I had that AH moment. I used to believe what came out of my Ah mouth. Now I just think of it as bla bla bla. I know now he is not capable of telling any truth. But once I knew this it made me be ok that I do not need his advice or decisions. Alcohol robs so much of a person. I dont like what they become..
Really it makes life so much easier to not seek the truth. Who do I seek truth from is myself and be happy that I can be truthful..
Also I had low self esteem but I worked on telling myself I am worthy.
Joker I love the title of your post I am so grateful for the Steps as they allowed me to identify exactly where my thoughts and actions were at fault and I was actually" abusing myself." I could then ask HP to help and replace these with positive responses . Good job .
((((((((((((((((Joker)))))))))))))))))) My upbringing, being sired by such darkness, completely robbed me of any self esteem, self love, self trust, self care, NOTHING nourishing/supportive/loving/respectful/honoring/cherishing ----OF ME!!!!
oh yea, Getting into recovery and being ACCEPTED when I would post my god awful painful step 4 discoveries, Showed me that HE was putting his dearness on ME...it was his projecting HIM onto me....
I was brainwashed into believing that I was a stupid b**ch and I was not capable of caring for myself.."best marry a rich man because you are too stupid to take care of you" over and over I heard that....so i married into (not THAT kind of evil, but still toxic "familiarity) other forms of toxicity that KEPT me in not loving/trusting/being connected with self...I am working big time to change that
I took a test and it was money well spent...I see I am on the right track with my recovery..I see I am much more healthy and my defects are not near life threatening as they were before.....it was ALL in what I was TAUGHT....
you were taught to think/believe the way you did....so now , hand in hand, we can, through helping each other UN-learn those "NOT ours" issues ....the fact that we are HERE speaks volums about our character in the good sense.......
Take care and keep up the great work....Loved your share
Something I found on another Alanon-related forum speaks to this situation of lacking self-love as a co-alcoholic: QTIP (quit taking it personal). I am trying to practice this slogan in my daily life so what my AH says or does in a negative manner does not enter my being. It is trying but the end goal of not abusing myself any more is worthwhile. We must remember that we are worthy of love and we are good.
__________________
I will begin to feel and come to know the vastness of my emotions but will not be slaves to them.
