The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband left his second stint in rehab 60 days ago. He informed me today that he has had a couple beers since he got out. I guess he felt guilty about lying after we celebrated his 90 days yesterday. I feel so disappointed, not because he had a drink but because he is trying to convince himself and me that he is different now. I know he is an alcoholic, so does he. I am more then happy with helping him and and supporting him to get back on track. I know this is a day to day thing, but I cant except him trying to minimize drinking at all. Trying to make it ok again.
Relapse is a part of this disease which can never be cured only arrested by total abstinence.
He doesn't need your focus...you do. His sobriety is his responsibility and he has all of the tools available to get and stay sober.
He should know that alcoholism is a fatal disease and that if he doesn't willingly get and stay sober each day at a time alcoholism will take him down like it has millions of others.
When I was where you are at now...finding a home group and doing service to it and getting a sponsor I would really work with and learning and working the steps was golden for me; and of course there was working with others...sponsorship which my HP and everyone else joined in got me serene and sane and so far has kept me there.
For me, the gas-lighting was the worst. I knew there was a problem, but my spouse always told me he was "fine," or "handling it - his way," or that I was just plain "crazy, demanding, bitchy."
What Jerry said above is absolutely true... the people in your home group/sponsor will help you to focus on yourself... b/c in the end, it is the only thing you have any control over. It is a daunting concept, and one I needed lots of help with.
Wishing you Peace.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
(((Naomi))) - I am sorry that your AH has relapsed. We've had many starts/stops with recovery in my home and it's always a bit unnerving and unsettling. My mind/heart always used to jump to the 'worse case scenario' and others in Al-Anon kept bringing me back to the here and now! In the present, on any given day, if I calm my mind I can see that I am standing upright and all is well in this moment.
My sponsor suggested to me that I really needed to focus on what is better since I began my recovery journey instead of what is not better or what's 'bad'. In each scenario, she helped me see what was good and what I can be grateful for so that I would not stay in that negative space in my mind that projects bad things, future events, etc.
I will say that my best course of action when 'life' is pulling at me is to step up my own program and recovery efforts. Please keep coming back - there is always hope and help in recovery!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I cannot remember my alcoholic/addict ever relapsing because she never stopped drinking or using until the disease stopped owning her. The journey was beyond crazy and what partially saved me was holding true to the lessons from inside the program and inside my college attendence. I became convinced in "cunning, powerful and baffling" until I surrendered absolutely. I use to street fight and can't remember ever loosing one until I met alcoholism face on. I remember saying within my self, "you're not going to beat this thing, stay away from it...all of it", and I did with the exception of a couple of Al-Anon relapses. Yes we do when we go back to check out if we left something undone like not tried some new trick or convinced myself that I wasn't right entirely about what I learned. I relapsed 3 to 4 times including the last event where I joined here at a work party and she got drunk and fell and almost died while I tried to keep her down and sleeping. What a huge error on my part.
I am refeeling the feelings I had then and my soul wants to weep. This disease is beyond any other and I had to have all of the tools given and a Power Greater than myself to keep me still.
It's been years and at times like right now I want to check to find that she is alive and sober and clean. I have not mentioned the horrible destruction the disease did to the kids and how I miss my step-daughter that got addicted to drugs and the illegal and immoral sex industry.
Allow him to relapse and keep turning him over to the greater powers as you do yourself. You can and will earn the miracles of recovery. ((((Hugs))))
Welcome Naomi. Glad to have you here in alanon. I wasted years and years trying to fix my A and all it did was put me in a deeper and deeper emotional pit. It's only through alanon that I have learned to focus on myself, regain self-esteem, and overall I have a much better life. I can only encourage you to give alanon a try. Alcoholism is a devastating disease but I have learned I don't have to go down with the ship! Lyne
