The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The reading for Monday, April 29th, talks about growing up with guilt, blame, harsh criticism, and constant fear. The author learned to feel badly about themself, but knew they werent evil.
With help from alanon, the author is able to look at mistakes now without blowing them out of proportion. They can learn to stop repeating errors and make amends for harm they have done.
Todays Reminder: I will not chain myself to the past with self-defeating guilt or by inflating the importance of my errors. Instead, I want to face my past and heal old wounds so that I may move forward into a richer,, fuller, and more joyous life today.
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Todays reading reminds me of my FOO. I felt like the lowest creature who walked the earth. I just didnt know how to change this attitude and carried it for far too many years.
The help I receive from alanon has brought me to a level of self-acceptance, the good and the bad, with a desire to change. My self-hatred no longer exists, and I strive to forgive others and myself, and view people and situations with compassion. Progress not perfection, Lyne
I relate Lyne thoroughly. You could have done the album entry for me on this life event. I knew that what they were telling me and how I was relating to them was not true and once I ran up into the jungles above my town and found a large boulder that I knelt on and just begged for help. As I understand it that help came years later upon finding the program and getting into it and doing all that was necessary to finally get the help I sought.
I knelt on that boulder at the age of twelve and found the program at 37 and finally got it months and months later. Thank you God for every day I have been here.
((((hugs))))
-- Edited by JerryF on Sunday 28th of April 2019 10:47:44 PM
Dear lyne I too can so identify. My self hatred was buried deep within that i did not know it existed, until I worked the steps and finally became honest with myself. Thanks to program, self acceptance allowed me to really embrace change and grow Thanks or your continued service
I actually didn't grow up in a family that did their best to make me feel worthless. This was one of the reasons why I found my need for Al-Anon and my attraction to addicts/alcoholics so confusing.
I did learn early in my recovery, however, that my mother drank and used until I was 2 years old. She then got sober, but actually her addiction switched over to food. She was the child of a violent alcoholic, as well, so her coping mechanisms were passed down to me regardless that I otherwise felt like I grew up in a safe and loving environment. My father is an untreated Al-Anon, so I learned many of the fearful, controlling behaviors from him.
I think where I was made to feel worthless was in school - specifically grade- and middle-school. The children there alienated me because I was quiet and shy and I also carried extra weight. Some children went out of their way to bully me and say hurtful things to me.
Unfortunately in my home life my parents never taught me how to stand up for myself. I witnessed a lot of "I'm garbage" self-hatred in my mother - lots of shrinking back and avoidance of confrontation. She always seemed ready to shatter at any given moment.
So the mix of my mother's self-esteem issues and my father's insecurity helped create my early behaviors. One of the worst forms of self-abuse I suffer from is perfectionism. It comes in different forms - part of it is wanting to make sure no one can find anything negative to say about me so I don't feel torn down by peers. The other is my creating catastrophically high expectations of myself and becoming devastated when I don't live up to those expectations.
Thanks to Al-Anon, I've been able to start recognizing those traits in myself and then taking loving care of myself in the form of standing up for myself - both against external bullies and my internal bully. I really only can do it because I have a loving relationship with a Higher Power. Knowing my HP loves and accepts and forgives me no matter what makes my mistakes so much easier to forgive.
Thank you Lyne for your service, and good morning my MIP comrades above!
Aloha - You actually wrote my first line of my ESH!! Now that I look back, I think that was the biggest reason I did not embrace Al-Anon AFTER my spouse got clean the first time... I mean, why would I need to? MY childhood was almost idyllic... I don't have any real issues to work on.... bwhahahahahaha! Fast forward, I am still here b/c I learned of my part in the disease my Ex has and I have accepted that I do indeed need to work on ME.
I am currently exploring why I grew up with such self-blame, fear and perfectionism. " part of it is wanting to make sure no one can find anything negative to say about me so I don't feel torn down by peers. The other is my creating catastrophically high expectations of myself and becoming devastated when I don't live up to those expectations."
I could've wrote that about myself! I am trying to learn how to move forward without carrying this baggage along with me. I had become so good at burying and compartmentalizing my self-hatred that I actually believed that I was a confident person! But you know, that "negative voice" was always there in my head to berate me.
Today, I am sticking around. Mostly because this program helps me to live without resentment of my Ex, or bitterness regarding my circumstances, but also b/c I need to check that baggage and hopefully move on in my life without it for good!
Got some rain overnight... I love waking up to the sound & smell of rain, and looking at the world all "fresh." Make it the Monday you want it to be!!
Peace
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Good morning MIP! Thank you Lyne for your service and the daily. Thank you all for your shares and ESH. I too thought I grew up in a reasonably 'normal' family....but always, always felt different (and acted on those feelings). We were a family of secrets, perfection and outward appearances!
It wasn't for years that I learned that both my grand-fathers were alcoholic - completely different stories and stages of their lives. It wasn't for more years that I learned I had an uncle that committed suicide as a drunk. And, I suspect there are more secrets, denials, etc. Both of my parents are untreated ACoA(s) so what I learned came from them! They are truly lovely people doing the best they can - but expectations have always been well above human capacity.
What I know today is that I and all others were designed to be imperfect. We are human in form, thought, action and deed. I feel best when I am working to be selfless and open. Allowing me to grow, change, and learning to love myself has given me the courage to unconditionally accept others around me who are different, ill or acting out.
It took me years to understand that self-love is truly at the center of all that circles around me. If I don't accept and love myself as I am, I struggle to accept and loves exactly as they are. Al-Anon has given me the ability to honor, love and respect every/any one I encounter and to look for similarities and learning experiences vs. judging or questioning.
It's a great way to be and to live....I am grateful I got here and have a better awareness of how powerless I really am. I am a work in progress, and will always be and I choose today to keep my joy each day, all day, in spite of 'life' events! Happy Monday all - we had rain overnight too - loud, boisterous storms - my dog was up pacing and panting all night! She's resting easy now and I'm getting stuff done at home. Tacos tonight with gal pals and we are celebrating release from jail one of my sponsees (other program) as well as her one year sobriety! I'm so grateful to witness the miracle of recovery.....lifts my mood and makes my heart smile!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
