The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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level.
I guess I am only human and I do suffer from depression. It is a blessing for me to have a message board to vent and talk about my real feelings. So much has happened in my life this past week that was stressful and extremely overwhelming. I am not going to share it with you now. Tonight I was feeling like not wanting to be alive anymore. I hung in minute by minute until I was able to talk to a dear friend. I do not feel like I am on a pity pot. I am just a "feeling human being." I did take a look at the things in my life to be grateful for but it is hard to fight feelings of worthlessness and pain too. It is so hard to watch my parent's health failing and my mom's mind dying. I need to stay alive for them. I wish I had a reason to stay alive for me, but I do have trouble with being disabled and all and not earning an income along with all my medical costs and medications. That is fact. The other fact too is this feeling will ease off and tomorrow is a new day. It does help to get this out and not keep it in. Let's face it. Life is hard for all of us. One day at a time, Keep it Simple and just plain hang in. Thanks for listening. cdb
Definately in the same boat here myself I guess. Weekend has brought the walls off my progress in the program tumblin down. Scariest part is that I dont know why, or how. Fighting feelings of worthlessness....big one for me lately too, I have worked on, continue to, and will continue to work on myself; but nuthing else changes nothing! Still have the same struggles of getting out there and metting new people, and having enough "blind trust" to make that leap from just talking at a meeting to havin coffee w/a program friend, heck, even asking for a sponsor. I have an online one, grateful for em, but still, I cant help but think, isnt there more to life than sitting @ a puter screen whenever I have free time? Yall are really all I have, that I can even call friends. Werent for this room....I honestly dont even know.
((((( cdb )))) You know I understand the feelings of worthlessness & hopelessness, it was all I felt for such a very long time. You have to get really bad in depression & low to contemplate, let alone atttempt it twice... & u know cdb, u are right, tomorrow is another day & I know that for me when I sink down, the next day I am usually better, even if it is only a tiny bit.
I think part of my problem was just facing the fact that I am getting older, wasn't loving myself & didn't want to face myself or my life. Since September '05 & I have been loving myself a little more each day, it really is getting better ODAT.
I still have anxiety attacks & fits of hysterical crying times but I feel better after a good cry... good to get it out. Also I am noticing the negative "thoughts - old tapes" ~ like a script goes off in my head, I start beating myself up... I think it is these old habits of this old thinking that makes me feel depressed. I have signs around the condo, that say positive things, so I can SEE them.
I think it is wonderful that you were able to have a 'gratitude list' when u were low, I tend to only do it when I am feeling good.
I know logically I have so much wonderful things about me but still my mind fights believing it, this is where I am at, but maybe this is part of it, that we learn to pick ourselves up & not let what other ppl's word or actions make us react.
I want to act positively for myself. I too am grateful for the Board & being able to vent where other's can understand. I do know the 2 times I was so dark that I tried to carry out my demise, the very next day I was grateful to still be alive.
At least we do have one thing we can count on, that everything changes, if we get depressed, it will pass. I think I actually had to greive some for my life, all the years I wasted being angry, it only hurt me, I understand that depression is anger turned inward ~ I seem to have to forgive myself every other day just for being human & having sensitive feelings.
IMHO, I think that a lot of the times too I get depressed & it is related to my hormones. I guess it's just hard to be a human whether you're female or male. It is known that women statistically are more depressed than men.
Hang in there (((cdb))), u have a lot on your plate... I think you are handling it all really well!
"Yall are really all I have, that I can even call friends. Werent for this room....I honestly dont even know." -BF
I feel this exact same way. My mother has even attacked me for the time I spend in the chat room & on the Boards in the past.
with love, -K
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I am sorry to hear how you are feeling. Yes, you are normal to feel down when undergoing adversity. Just try to remember that things often get better, sometimes when you are least hopeful they will.
I know one thing that helps me is to befriend older people who have learned to live through lifes ups and downs. Probably my best friend in the whole world is twenty years older than I am. Most of my friends are at least ten years older.
When I think about what some people I know have been through, wars, sickness, death, etc. I know they have much wisdom to share about how to get through it and take the lumps and bumps life throws at us.
Yesterday I ran into the Mom of an old friend from high school and we talked for more than an hour. This woman has been through so much. Her oldest daughter was a drug addict and died from AIDS. The one I went to school with also got into drugs and dumped her children on her Mom. This was after she raised her oldest drug addicted daughter's children. So, this woman has raised her one daughter from a previous marriage, THEN her grandchildren from this daugther. Got married and had a menopause baby with her new husband, and ended up raising THOSE grandchildren from this daughter as well. She has been through so much tragedy and heartache, yet she still manages a smile...I learned a lot from just that one conversation with her. She is still raising children...for over fifty years now. Her second set of grandchildren are 17 and 14. Her hair has fallen out, and she wears a wig, her teeth have fallen out and she has dentures, she has arthritis and is in her eighties and still keeps going on and still manages to enjoy life and smile...I know I can learn a lot from her.
I wish I knew what to say to take your pain away, but I don't. I can just share my E, S, and H and what has worked for me.
Feelings of depression and worthlessness are so hard to over come.
Yes you need to be there for your parents, but you also have to live for you.
You are not worthless. You are warm, kind and compassionate. Think good things about yourself, they are real and true. if you can't get through it day to day, try hour to hour.
You don't have to wait for tomorrow to start fresh, you can start the day over anytime you like. Keep coming here and venting. We care.
You are always kind to others, be kind to yourself, you are definately worth it!
This post immediately reminded me a song by a group called Crossfade, It's called "No Giving Up" here's the lyrics.
So you found out today your life's not the same Not quite as perfect as it was yesterday but When you were just getting in the groove Now you're faced with something new And I know it hurts and I know you feel torn But you never gave up this easily before So why do you choose today to give it all away
Well it's not so bad y'all Together we all fall Just as long we get up we'll stand tall We shouldn't waste another day Thinking 'bout the things that we forgot to say
I'm hittin' back y'all Kickin' these four walls Just as hard as I can til I can't crawl I won't waste another day With all these silly things Swimmin' in my brain
[Chorus] There's no giving up now Do you really want to give this all away Can't you ever see things in a different way Somedays No giving up now Such a beautiful thing to throw away You should think things through Over and over again All over again
So your scars fade away You soaked up the pain A better person 'cause you lived through those days And now you know what it's like to prove You can overcome anything that gets to you Well it's alright We're sayin' our goodbyes To the past and everything that ain't right We won't waste another day With all these silly things in our way
[Chorus]
I know we have given All that we can give When there's nothing to lean on Well, I remember this All we make of this lifetime Is always here within And remembering that's why We should never give in
[Chorus]
There's no giving up now
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Thanks for posting this CDB, as it summarizes a lot of what I have been feeling lately as well... Many times I am thankful for my two precious kids in my life, as they are often the main reason I want to live, and work through some of the internal pains that I can't always seem to shake... I know that a "healthier space" will be when I want to live for myself, but am not quite there yet... I don't consider myself suicidal, per se, but sometimes the pain of life just feels a little overwhelming... I'm more accepting than I used to be, of allowing myself to feel down once in awhile, and try not to let it carry on for too many days on end...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Nobody works this perfectly or is perfect. I do love how even though you were really low, you realized that you could fall back on some program tools and the people here.
keep the focus on you and you'll find that worth and the reasons. We see them but that will only go so far, you gotta see them.
Hope and prayers that this shall pass quickly for you. {{{cdb}}}
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
hi dear, oh it is horrrrrible to watch our loved ones die. You really need to rest. I know it is hard, I bet when you come home and feel a tad better, you want to go back to your moms place.
Right now you are totally exausted. Are you drinking water? eating simple? getting rest?
WE all need anti stressors. You may need to sleep more, take naps. Is anyone spending time with your parents besides you?
If you don't feel relief from the meds you are on, maybe call your doctor. I upped my anti depressants, it did help.
Not everyone feels suicidal when they get depressed. I do however, sadly. I hate that I get that feeling. I am so proud of you for sharing that. Tis not easy! Thank goodness I have not felt that way for awhile.
I guess I want to ask you, what can you do to make you happy? What do you like to do?
I know your daughters aism is a contant ache for you. Of course it is. Do your best to surrender it to hp.
yes you need to get it out. My experience is to get rid of all the poison you hold inside.
you know where I am if you need to get the rest out. love,debilyn
Hang on ,get yourself to doc or therapist to tweak those medications, the time change screwed me up I know. I spent the weekend signing up for Medicare D since I will be losing my health insurance, what an eye opener! Wow, even the few I get from drug plan and not from hospital pharmacy are hundreds a month, it's gonna be tight. I am gonna have to get myself to Medicaid office I am afraid. They will probably tell me I make too much money working my 7 days a month.. I will work it out some how, some way. Not going to dwell on it. My HP will provide what I need.
Just because we are disabled does not mean we are not able to contribute to society in some way. On the days we are able we do, when we can't we can't. HP knows the truth.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
I am so sorry you are feeling so bad today! I have at times felt like giving up myself as many others here have said! THank goodness we have friends here who will listen and suppport us! Please do what you can to take care of you. You are wonderful!
Thank you all for your understanding and support. I have read the replies several times and hope to let them sink in. I can see how the time change may have been a problem,, good thinking Debilyn. I am still working on these taxes... sigh... which will be at the CPA's tomorrow. Then it will be off to my parents place. My problem could be too much medications now too. All I know is it helps to have support and to let it out and not keep it in. I went and got my daughter's puppy/mixed lab that was run over by a car because he makes me feel loved. I didn't get out of bed until 2pm today either. It is unusual for me to be at a loss for words, but I am now. Thanks again for your replies. cdb xoxoxoxoxo PS, Thanks for the prayers!!!!!
I can definitely relate to really struggling with disability issues. I have to break lots of stuff down to one day at a time, even one minute at a time stuff and do what I need to do today to take care of me. I can also relate to not getting up and feeling cocooned in misery and solitude and that no longer feeling good. I had to reach out to others and get help.
For me counselling helped over time and reaching out for support helped. I can also understand the whole issue of not being able to afford to be ill which I think is such a tragedy. For me it is years and years of taking care of others instead of me. The A is not working at the moment he hardly does much but sit around and feel sorry for himself. I am not joining in. I am focusing on me and my issues. A friend of mine has stopped speaking to me because he is angry at the way I deal with the A. Of course he has his control issues. And I do not take it personally. Everyone has their opinion and I do not have to do what others tell me but what I need to take care of me.
Sometimes getting back to basics really helps, getting the food I need, getting the rest I need, getting the tasks done I need to today, making small lists, keeping it very very simple.
For me I had to almost totally collapse under the weight of caring for the A to take care of me. That is the case for many of us. There is no limit what I can do for others but for me it feels very very difficult to do the simple stuff. Just being able to get the time to come to this group is huge for me.
I am so so glad that you can talk about how you are feeling and what you are doing and be honest. I think that takes such courage. I love being able to be honest here. I love the acceptance, the love and the understanding. That goes so so far for me in neutralising the A.
Haven't been on for a few days and only just read this. If you are the primary caregiver for your parents then you are going to suffer burn out. Both physically and emotionally. Warning signs here to slow down a little. Taking on a bit too much and need to step back a little. Think about all the people you are worrying about around you - is there any CDB time amongst it all. I think not. I want you to put a sign on your fridge that says TIME FOR ME. Every time you open that door it will remind you. If you won't do it for yourself do it for your parents because if you are sick then you can't visit them. Tell us how hard it is for you to watch your Mum suffer let it out that is what we are here for. I find it really hard to ask people for help. I am so independent and you know that has a negative affect because people won't offer they know you are too stubborn to take them up on it. (((((())))Thinking of you. Luv Leo xxx
. I will work it out some how, some way. Not going to dwell on it. My HP will provide what I need.