The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
That was a question that was ask today in church. Answers came such as.... A tradgedy, a miracle, a small child said when my Mommy spanks me, and a teenager said, you have to WANT to change.
I thought about that all day and at first I thought about my husband who is an alcoholic. Then thanks to alanon i started thinking about ME. The old me would have said what will it take to change my husband... Make him STOP drinking.. The new me.. Says how can i change ME.. What will it take to make me change.. May not seem big to some but that is HUGE for me..
I am looking deep inside my heart looking for the courage to move forward with my life. I use to beat myself up for staying with my alcoholic husband and allowing him to say hurtful things to me and my son ( really doesnt say mean things to my daughter ). I use to replay each hurtful thing he said over and over in my mind feeling worse each time it replayed in my head. I use to resent my husband for not taking responsibility with the kids.. He never, took them to practice, attended a honor roll assembly, watched my daughter in cheerleading competitions or helped with homework..
Now, I am so thankful... My children and I have a bond like NO OTHER.. We are closer than any three could be..I look at him and feel sorry for him, he is miserable when he isnt drinking and becomes angry when he is .. He rarely smiles and the kids go for DAYS without even speaking to him although we all live in the same house. Yet still he just doesnt GET IT ..
Sad... I use to be SAD for me. Now, i am SAD for HIM. He has missed it, he has traded so much of our childrens life for a drink... Time he can NEVER get back..
Thanks for allowing me to share, i have learned so much from alanon and this board..
We are here because we have a desire, a drive to take the powerlessness out of our lives.
We have Hope and ESH through finding the program, but we can't drive anyone else's life. The steps lead us on the right on path to recovery, but we can't make anyone take the first step, even if they go to a meeting.
Leave it to a teenager to have the answer....and we thought they didn't listen.
Josey
-- Edited by jrtjosey at 22:31, 2006-04-09
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
You can never go back, and children get older so fast. Every assembly, play, game, concert, award ceremony, camping trip and competition is a gift and a memory, one he will never have.
I look back at pictures taken over the years and my husband is hardly ever in them. He is there when they are born, and makes sure he is there for christenings and graduations, but all the times in between he is missing, he too traded beer for them and will never get them back.
I think he realizes he missed so much of the older kids lives and wants to be there for the younger ones, but he never seems to make it, there is always an excuse. The older kids no longer want him at their functions he gets drunk and embarrases them. At a football game two years ago he was drunk and stood next to the quarterbacks father and called his son horrible names. There was an argument that almost got physical and he was asked to leave by a police officer. Our son was mortified. The other man told my son it was not his fault, nor his responsibility to apologize.
My son no longer wnats him at anything. It is his loss, he blew it, not our son.
Good question. I too would have asked how can I change my alcoholic husband. Now I think of what I can do for me. I too feel sad for him. He misses out on a lot of life because he's drunk. We have no children together, thank goodness for that. But we each have kids from previous relationships. He got custody of his daughter from the mom, but then lost it to his parents when she was 6 years old. There was no real reason, no abuse, neglect, nothing brought up about his drinking. But, he did not fight for her. I see now why, he really couldn't. At the time, this was in 1992, I thought he didn't care enough. He wasn't able to stand up to his mother.
She is 21 now & had lived in the same state as us since she was 17, never with us though. Another good thing. I have problems with her as far as respect goes, she has NONE! That is another story. lol. The point is, I think he regrets what happened. You can not bring back what you missed in your kids life. I missed a lot in my own son's life being too caught up in the lives of others. He is 28 now. Has 2 kids of his own. Another saga. lol.
I am glad you were able to get the help you needed in time to spend quality time with your kids, I did not. All we can do is look out for ourselves, make changes in our lives, and be as happy as we can. My husband is an active alcoholic too. Will he ever change, I don't know,maybe yes, maybe no, but that is not for me to worry over.
i am very grateful for Alanon, for my friends here & at my f2f meetings. Also for my best friend, Cindy, who suggested I go! She is in recovery 17 years I think!
WOW what profound statements. I slipped during the weekend with old thoughts and actions and words. I promised myself this morning that I will get back on track. Thanks for sharing it makes me feel as if I am not alone. That it is my thought process that needs to change, I need to change.
