The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's reading from Courage to Change is about Step 8 (Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.)
The author begins by sharing that many of us who have lived with the effects of alcoholism have come to see ourselves as innocent victims of other people's abuse, and that it can be shocking to realize that we have harmed other people. Making a list of the people we have harmed can help us to develop a more realistic sense of responsibility.
For the author, however, step 8 was an exercise in letting go of their over-exaggerated sense of responsibility. At first, the author thought that everyone they knew belonged on their list, but with time, the author realized that they are not responsible for other people's unfulfilled desires. People who are unhappy with or disappointed by the author's choices do not belong on the list of people the author has harmed. Through this step, the author realized that names needed to come off their 8th step list, because other people's emotions are their own responsibility.
Today's Reminder: Certainly I make choices that harm others and call for making amends. But sometimes a choice that is right for me may be uncomfortable or even unacceptable to others. Other people's expectations are not my responsibility unless I have helped to create them. I can remind myself that conflict is part of life.
Today's Quote: "With this Step we sort out our part, taking responsibility for our actions but also releasing ourselves ... from the burden of falsely-held responsibilities." In All Our Affairs
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Like today's author, when I first came to Al-Anon and started working the steps, I feared that I owed amends to everyone for everything I'd done that had disappointed them. With time, I realized that I was projecting my feelings of disappointment in myself onto other people, and I didn't actually know how they felt about my decisions. I did know that I wasn't happy with myself and the choices I was making. This helped me to understand that the first person on my amends list should be myself. Then, I was able to make amends to those close to me as needed. The thing I most needed to make amends for was neglecting my relationships with people I cared about because of the chaos of living with the disease of alcoholism. I had withdrawn from people and relationships that mattered because I couldn't control or predict what the addict was going to do, and it felt safer to isolate myself than deal with my wife showing up late, drunk, or just cancelling plans once everyone else was waiting for us. I had tried to keep the secret of her addiction and had taken on responsibility for her actions that was not mine to take on. As a result, I lost many friendships and I placed distance between myself and my family and support system. This damage to the relationship was what I needed to make amends for, not the hundreds of little things I was feeling guilty about.
Today, I am especially grateful that I took this step - as intimidating as it was to me at first - and that I have been able to repair important relationships in my life.
I hope you make today a great day!
__________________
Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Good Morning Skorpi thanks for sharing on tiis important topic. I too felt like a victim when i arrived at alanon. That is because I never inventoried my thoughts or actions, as I was too busy judging others.
the slogans, the Steps and a sponsor all helped me to view my behavior ,past and present and learn to change. So pleased I found the courage to look within and examine my motives with honesty Thanks for your service
Thank you Skorpi for your service!
This couldn't come at a better time! I am in the transition of having done Step 8, but not quite ready to do Step 9, but not sure why.
Having read what you posted, and then absorbed what Betty posted (especially the 'courage to look within'), I think that maybe I need myself on the top of my list (I am not on there at all), and I need to examine exactly what that means.
Make it a great Hump Day y'all!!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Good morning MIP! Thank you Skorpi for your service and the daily! Thank you and Betty for your shares & ESH. This page is way better written than what I could do, but really summarizes much of 'me'! I arrived broken with many fairy-tale expectations, distorted definitions and only one emotion - anger. I could go on and on and on - not the point! Step 8 for me really helped me see the patterns of my behavior and reactions and to release them and be a much better version of me.
Today, my thoughts are much clearer and I don't get caught up in what was said, who was right, who was wrong, why I said.................................Instead, I look for my part, make amends as necessary, revisit my boundaries just in case a change would help lead to a different outcome and then let it all go. I believe in my heart and soul that the God of my understanding doesn't want me 'stuck' on who I used to be, how I used to be or what I perceive about past events to include people, places and things! I believe that same God truly wants me to be happy, joyous and free, one day at a time.
I truly am profoundly grateful for all who came before me and were willing to teach me how to let go of self-will and ego and practice humility. Because of this program, steps, sponsor, tools, etc. I am able to invest in relationships that are healthy, constructive and full of joy.
Make it a great day all - sun is shining and life is great in my small piece of the world.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you for that share and the reminder that I need to be on my amends list. I also had an over exaggerated sense of responsibility for my family members.
I tried to protect and hide what was happening and then isolated myself when things got worse instead of asking for help.
Through working the steps, and letting go of my self will, I was able to free myself from the prison I had put myself in. It took some time for me to see the damage that I had caused to others by my choices and behaviours. When I was able to see clearly and accept it, I was then able to make amends for my part and it was so freeing.
Thank you Skorpi for today's message and all the shares. Oh boy, I certainly need to be on the top of my amends list. I grew up believing I was responsible for others' feelings and behavior. If someone was in a bad mood, it MUST have been something I did or said to cause it. I definitely had an exaggerated sense of responsibility. While I know I have harmed others, I do know that the list I originally made has been altered as I have grown and can see more of what is mine and what isn't. I do need to be on top of that list though.
