The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm wondering what level of contact you've maintained with your SO while they (and you) were going through recovery, and whether you've left it open-ended in terms of eventual outcome while still remaining in contact.
My ABF entered AA right after we broke up due to his drinking and has been sober ever since (about a month). He is a high functioning alcoholic and everything else in our relationship was really wonderful. He's been wanting to get back together or at least stay in touch. He keeps reaching out to me, which I find painful, but also a relief because I miss him, too. I'm glad AA's going well for him and it gives me hope. It's made me rethink the break-up. That said, I'm far from ready to reconcile. I'm seriously shaken by all of this and not sure I can or should see a future with him. None of my friends think I should be talking to him, except the one who went through AA himself. I feel like no one can understand the situation because they haven't experienced it, but even saying that makes me feel codependent. I'm so confused right now.
I know I have work to do on myself, and he does too. I think we should both be doing that work separately and then see what happens when we're on firmer footing as individuals. We've gotten together a few times to talk, and it's been tense. The last time, I felt like we should either cut contact completely and move on, or set some ground rules so we could be in loose contact without having resentment build up. We talked about it and decided that for the next few months, we would not date other people but will have only intermittent, platonic contact---mostly in-person talks. We have our next date set and he's been leaving me alone so far.
I'm feeling okay with it, but the whole thing does seem strange and I wonder if it's just delaying the inevitable. I'm in no rush to date anyone else ... that's for sure ... but being in a holding pattern with him is not helping me move in that direction if that's how this all turns out. He does not love this arrangement and can't understand why we don't just reconcile. He's finding sobriety easy to maintain and doesn't think any of it is a big deal. I believe he thinks I'm overreacting but is willing to humor me. This reads as denial to me. I don't know ... is any of this healthy? How have others navigated this space? I'd really appreciate your ESH on this.
{{{Ophelia}}}. The best policy is honesty and it sounds like you are doing that. No one should be telling you what you must doonly you can decide that for yourself.
I have been through hell and back with my A spouse. I have nearly 6 years in alanon. My A has been sober about two years but not embracing recovery the way I want it to happen. We are still together nearly 28 years. I cant tell you how many times I thought we should split.
The best thing that has happened to me is my dedication to my own recovery. Im a calmer, happier person. I was a sinking ship prior to alanon. I hope you will get involved in your recovery and in that process you will decide what you want to do. Best, Lyne
Thanks Lyne ... I've been attending F2F meetings and working the steps, not only because of my current situation, but also the realization that I am an adult child of two alcoholics (my dad and step-dad), and the survivor of a physically abusive relationship with an alcoholic BF years ago. It's been nothing short of a revelation for me. I can't tell you how much I've appreciated the warm welcome I've received at the two groups I attend regularly. One drawback has been that the groups are large and I usually don't speak ... I'm shy anyway, but if there are already people speaking, I tend to hang back and listen. I guess I should seek out a sponsor, huh? Is that common in Al Anon?
In life, there is risk no matter what we do. But its ultimately all the same. Eventually we are confronted with our powerlessness to change the inevitable. We can stay in limbo, waiting, or we can enter into limbo one day at a time without committing to anything other than a personal evaluation of how the arrangement is suiting or not suiting us. We then ask ourselves what in the arrangement we have the power to change and if we are ready to make that change. For myself from my own experience, I found that even the smallest amounts of letting go proved immensely rewarding personally and in marriage. We took out options on each other and separated. Today we are still married, but live in different countries and perform acts of service to the marriage. I think this is the third (?)year of this seperated arrangement and it suits me today. It could all change tomorrow. I guess I would say look for the opportunities in whatever situation you choose. In option taking is the opportunity to work on self, to get to know how to cope without another even if you feel that you love them. Sometimes we are not ready to let go completely and sometimes we are. Use this time productively to continue with recovery for yourself, learning to shift focus off The Relationship by remembering you. My breakthrough came after finding women's support services which housed me and my children in lovely accommodation in a trendy neighbourhood. I wrote an epic piece and remembered my passionate interests before taking on another concrete project which is finally concluding some two years later. It was so lovely to get a glimpse of who I could be in that time, I don't think I looked back. My loved one remains part of my life but is no longer the be all and end all of it. I don't feel like I want an intimate relationship with anyone at this stage of my life and see enough progress and benefits in this one to not end the option entirely. Whatever works for you dear,so long as it is actually working for you. do keep coming back!
Ophelia... every group varies a little in its approach- with in the traditions and guidelines.
I live outside of the home of Alanon, the USA. I always believed it better to do steps one, two and three inside of a group [or groups] that we go to. Here we learn to chill out- to relax and to trust... a good catch-up, in other words.
Approaching steps 4 and 5 needs a trusted someone- most often a sponsor. One day at a time- one step at a time. You are doing well! ...
I have different thoughts on this. For me, my experience, when I was in recovery -- getting better, working on myself, trying to regain a normal, happy and healthy life, that was all I did. Period. It was not just a priority, but the most important thing in the world for me. Because the alternative was disastrous -- the ongoing pain, unhealthy behavior and life that I found myself in. My recovery was mine -- just mine, it was time for me to work on myself. When I was done, I would be happy and healthy, and whatever that meant for the relationship -- it meant, and it didn't matter whether it was still on, off, in limbo, or whatever -- why? Because I was OK!!! I was healthy!!! I could THEN decide and create the life I wanted, and that meant either be in that relationship or not. It was ONLY through recovery that I was able to decide, determine, and really truly see whether or not the relationship was a healthy one for me to be in!!! That is where I think most people make their mistake. They allow the other person, the other person's wants, desires, will, influence, to infiltrate what should be my unencumbered and untainted recovery! My recovery was not just the focus -- it was the only focus. I did NOT let the tail wag the dog so to speak!
My wife had to view her recovery the same. She unfortunately didn't and that added to the problem. One month sobriety is not clean and sober. It is the beginning of recovery. Recovery...for both people...is not a destination...it is a journey!!! It doesn't matter if the alcoholic is a a high functioning alcoholic, or any other type. It didn't matter if everything in my relationship was the most wonderful place on earth. Two people were sick. My recovery could not be tainted by me missing her. I had to let that go and get better...and then be in a healthy place so I could make decisions, what was best and healthiest for me, and I could do so in a place of intellect, strength, being healthy, and stable...not because I missed her, duress, pressure from her, what she wanted, and so on. There is tons of codependency in this!!!
Yes, in my experience, both of you have to be doing the work -- on yourselves, individually, as a person, separate people -- separately, and that has zero to do with a relationship and being a couple, and especially zero to do with a relationship and future! Cutting contact doesn't mean breaking up. But it also doesn't mean "making a deal" so to speak.
It is not about dating anyone else. It is about YOU and ONLY YOU...just for today. Period. That's my experience. Your holding pattern is not only causing you some anxiety, but you are letting it be an ingredient in the recipe. That's my experience. The holding pattern also interferes with recovery -- and I experienced that first-hand! I've long heard, of course the alcoholic wants to reconcile, LOL. I get it. Sobriety is not easy. It's easy to say it is, especially after one month. I've always felt that based upon my experience, the alcoholic wanting what they want often wreaks of denial!
I went through this -- three times. It's like anything. It works if you work it. Do the work. That means YOU. Recovery -- your recovery -- is about YOU. When an alcoholic is in rehab, they don't focus on the relationship or the marriage. They focus on one thing and one thing only. Period. Why should our recovery be any different in that context...take what you like and leave the rest.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Dear Ophella i so understand your concerns. Thee are no guarantees when it comes to the disease of alcoholism however I found by attending alanon meetings (for myself) I developed healthy constructive tools to live by that have served me well. The Spiritual principles are universal and the support from like minded members invaluable Keep coming back
(((ophelia))) - Great share and lovely honesty. Like Betty, leaning into the program, and working recovery just for me, one day at a time, has helped me best determine what is healthy for me. I believe that taking care of self is healthy always. When I am uncertain about boundaries I've established, my sponsor is helpful in determining if they are in need of change. Protecting ourselves is important always! I just have to make sure I am not limiting my life and love experiences by closing myself off.
I do not know what the God of my understanding has planned for me or anyone else. I do not close people out of my life, but do take necessary breaks. It's a bit different for me as my main A(s) are my husband and my sons. Through recovery, I have found my way to accepting them as they are, one day at a time, and loving them unconditionally - even when the disease is active and they are 'not my people'...
Keep coming back - you are worth it and are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Sending you huge hugs b/c I have been there and had all those doubts you have! Yes it's healthy. Yes, a sponsor would help greatly when you get stuck with your own ruminations. My ExH went through rehab twice. The first time was for drugs, not alcohol... but it doesn't matter. Addiction is the disease. "High functioning" is just one phase of the disease - it doesn't last long term. My ExH did a 90 day rehab, with about 2 months living with his parents when he got out. He bugged and cajoled me the whole time about "getting the family back together." So I went against that tiny voice within myself and took him back. Within 6 months he stopped his meetings, and within the year he was secretly drinking. That was the beginning of his alcoholism. MY PROBLEM? I did not initially ACCEPT him as he was. I thought rehab made him "back to the way he used to be." And because I wanted this to be true so badly, I began to accept unacceptable behaviors. I lived a miserable life, and subjected my son to a miserable father-figure for 7 years before I had hit MY BOTTOM, & we had to flee from our home due to uncontrolled/raging addiction/alcoholism.
The point here is that I did not listen to myself. What I wanted, what I believed. Nor did I do the work long-term to get myself healthy. I did not realize I had become so sick myself! Listen to that tiny voice within you. Begin to embrace ACCEPTANCE.
Just some food for thought: My ExH's second rehab ended up being 1 year (including Sober Living)! It took that long for his brain to begin functioning "normally." I think this is very important, as AA and Al-Anon counsel "No big changes that first year." Now I can understand why. I was NC (no contact) for 6 months of that year. During that year, I worked hard on myself. One of the things I learned, was that I did not want to live the next 30 years of my life wondering when the next relapse would happen. I just could not do it. I was too damaged from the last 25 years! I could not ACCEPT him as he was - believe me, that was very hard to admit to myself, b/c I had always strived to be the "perfect partner/wife." I filed for divorce. To his credit, my Ex was/is working his program hard for HIM. No more cajoling me, blaming me, guilting me. He was sad, to be sure... but he accepted the outcome, and he is working on being a friend to me, and a good dad to his kid. He now proclaims, "Actions speak louder than words." This was/is a complete 180 from how he used to act!!!
Currently, I am still working on myself... b/c I don't want to live with resentment and be a bitter person. So I work on accepting my decision for the marriage, and where my Ex and I are TODAY as human beings. It is not always easy for me, b/c in all honesty, there are times that I see him now and say to myself, "Why, oh why could you not do this while we were married????" "Why wasn't I enough for you?" When I sit with those thoughts, it is hard to accept my Ex as a friend, and I feel the resentment creeping in. So I am a daily work-in-progress for sure.
This was/is just my experience... but not that uncommon, sadly. Please take what you want, and leave the rest, as they say. Stay strong in your convictions. Learn what you really want, not merely what you can live with. Be true to yourself... peel back that onion (you being the onion LOL!).
You are so worth it!!!
Peace!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Like most things in our respective recoveries, the answer is most likely neither black nor white. That being said, I'm afraid my belief systems are a lot more aligned with Bo's reply on here....
One month of sobriety for your bf is an awesome start, but it IS just a start, and he still has a very long way to go..... My experience is that many/most active alcoholics (or those extremely early in recovery) are looking for 'safe landings' and wanting reassurances (ie past girlfriends) that everything can stay somewhat the same.... You asked if the communications with him are 'healthy', and I would answer that they are common and/or normal, but "healthy" would be a lot more along the lines of both of you working on your own respective recoveries for a suitable period of time - perhaps 6mos or so - and reassess at that time. That keeps it so the door is not closed, but it is not necessarily open either. In my opinion, this is a key point, as alcoholics - in their disease - will often manipulate/misread anything else as 'commitment' to each other in those early stages, and I would suggest that neither of you are in the position to commit to anything (including each other) at this time....
Hugs
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I was having a conversation the other day with my sponsor where I was wondering about some behaviors I was seeing in someone else but wasn't too sure if I was seeing the picture clearly. She told me to go with my gut feelings.
Gut feelings are often difficult to follow - especially in the realm of where they're contradicting self-will. My head will dream up many excuses and justifications to ignore my gut feelings about something if those gut feelings mean I may have to not get something I want or lose something I have.
What does your gut tell you?
I can say my experience with newly recovering alcoholics is that they're often seeking the quick fix. They don't have their alcohol anymore to mask their reality and cope with their feelings. They're very new to using their recovery tools that AA is providing them - they forget to use their recovery tools or fumble with them. It's difficult at first. They want solutions and relief NOW. So what do they do? They do what us Al-Anons do... they try to make other people their solution instead.
I have to remember always that God is my solution. Period. God is other people's solution, too. Ultimately I have to put my faith into my HP and know that I'm going to be okay no matter what. I have to remember that God's looking out for everyone else, too. So it's never up to me to be someone else's solution to their problems.
I love what you're doing. Live in the questions for right now. You don't have to make any decisions right NOW (even if the A is telling you otherwise.) Take your questions to your HP. Chat with your sponsor. Get to meetings, read the literature. I find that when I ask a question, God usually throws some answers at me pretty quickly.
Thanks everyone, for your wonderful insights and support. You've given me a lot to think about. I had a small victory today using my Al Anon tools in a work situation, so I know my own recovery is the most important focus right now and I'm encouraged to see some positive changes. Tom, I agree. Six months feels about right as a start. Honestly, it also feels good to have some time without my ex contacting me, to clear my head. That said, it also feels good to know I'll see him in a few weeks. I guess I will keep the loose contact going until my gut tells me to stop. And I will think more about the situation as it is right now and what I can and cannot accept. Big hugs to all of you.
I've also found that that advice about going one year without any big changes is a really useful thing. From everything I've seen, alcoholics are pretty crazy that first year - learning from scratch how to live without alcohol. And sadly, many of them relapse during that first year. Sometimes just for a while, often permanently. So waiting for a year to see if there's a better chance the recovery will last is a good self-protective thing to do. It also takes some time for us to get our heads clear after being involved with an alcoholic for a while.
From what I've seen, one sign of a person whose recovery is not very far along (if at all) is that they feel a huge sense of urgency to get into relationships. Part of it, I think, is that they want to deny that their drinking was so bad, and if we've separated from them because of the drinking, that fact is hanging before them all the time. Another part of it is that relationship are nice and distracting. And it can be hard being alone with your head, having to do the work that recovery requires.
So paradoxically, I think him pressuring you to wade back into that relationship, because now he's "recovered," shows that he hasn't recovered very much.
If he were to say, "You know, we've both suffered a lot of pain, and our relationship got very complicated, and I have to figure this recovery thing out. Let's work on ourselves and see where we are down the road" - if he said that, it would reflect some maturity. After all, what's the hurry? If he's going to be sober and more mature in a year's time, it will be obvious. If not, it will be obvious then too. Trying to guess before it's happened is kind of jumping the gun. That's my experience.
(((ophelia))) - yay for you and using the tools for a work outcome! It does work when we work it - thanks for the share. Simple things such as this were a huge part of what kept me coming back and finding the value for me in recovery. Keep coming back and keep sharing!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I've also found that that advice about going one year without any big changes is a really useful thing. From everything I've seen, alcoholics are pretty crazy that first year - learning from scratch how to live without alcohol. And sadly, many of them relapse during that first year. Sometimes just for a while, often permanently. So waiting for a year to see if there's a better chance the recovery will last is a good self-protective thing to do. It also takes some time for us to get our heads clear after being involved with an alcoholic for a while.
From what I've seen, one sign of a person whose recovery is not very far along (if at all) is that they feel a huge sense of urgency to get into relationships. Part of it, I think, is that they want to deny that their drinking was so bad, and if we've separated from them because of the drinking, that fact is hanging before them all the time. Another part of it is that relationship are nice and distracting. And it can be hard being alone with your head, having to do the work that recovery requires.
So paradoxically, I think him pressuring you to wade back into that relationship, because now he's "recovered," shows that he hasn't recovered very much.
If he were to say, "You know, we've both suffered a lot of pain, and our relationship got very complicated, and I have to figure this recovery thing out. Let's work on ourselves and see where we are down the road" - if he said that, it would reflect some maturity. After all, what's the hurry? If he's going to be sober and more mature in a year's time, it will be obvious. If not, it will be obvious then too. Trying to guess before it's happened is kind of jumping the gun. That's my experience.
Excellent points -- and with excellent clarity!!! Thanks Mattie!!! I've printed this out to a pdf and saved it to my "sticky" file. Thank you very much!
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
I was talking with a friend of mine yesterday...he is struggling with a variety of issues, all surrounding an "on again-off again" yet ongoing relationship. Very similar to what was portrayed here.
At one point my friend said...IS THIS HEALTHY?
I thought about it. I asked him, what do you think? What do you feel? After he talked, I also said to him...is this an appropriate question for your sponsor? He got with his sponsor, immediately. 24 hours later...he is better. Better than he was.
Progress not perfection.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Short answer to your question, Ophelia, [just my humble opinion 
] Yes. 
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