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Hey all! Long time. Just dropping in to put my thoughts in perspective. My sponsor suggested journaling but I often found when seriously struggling I get some great feedback from here. This place is my roots. So why not go back, right?
So to catch up: I'm celebrating my 3rd year in recovery and I'm still a work in progress. Despite my education of the disease of addiction, my daughter has made the choice to enter that world. So I now have 3 children in active addiction and of course my husband. It took 2 hospitalizations for me to finally hit my rock bottom and really really work hard. After nearly killing himself drunk on a motorcycle almost a year ago my husband still continued to drink and finally achieved a brief sobriety after another round of rehab last fall. His sobriety ended this past weekend. 2 of my children addicts remain residents of this household. The month of March I didnt run to any of my children's rescue from arrest, concern myself in what they were doing, nor contribute financially in any way to their lifestyle. My husband decided to stop taking his antabuse because everything smelled like onions about the time he stopped therapy and meetings. On the day of his alleged "slip" his son came to me exclaiming he was about to ruin my day. Nope. I went on about my day hanging new curtains. Today when loading the dishwasher and emptying his lunch box I found the evidence that we are in a relapse. So sad.
My dilemma: I continue to stay on my side of the street and when cross immediately recover and apologize. (Even though my husband constantly is encouraging me to take control of my children's addiction). What I honestly crave is honesty and trust. Growing up in the disease I really don't know what an honest and trustworthy relationship is. I've been struggling with this for a few days now and wonder if I am being fair to my husband and my children because let's face it addicts lie. Am I really loving unconditionally? Is it fair to me to need something so badly and feel empty without it? Can I satisfy that myself? I've turned this over so many times and put it in my God box. Now I know it's in my higher powers time and not mine but I'm just wondering if these unsettling thoughts that continue is my encouragement to walk away and really focus on me. I daydream of the peace and serenity living in a small place with just my disabled son with whom I trust and couldn't tell a lie if his life depended on it. At almost 51 i have more years behind me than in front of me and i deserve happiness too.
No one would blame me for leaving my husband. I've come to far to worry what others think anyway. My baby, my daughter, at 19 would get a hard lesson in life if I left, is that creating a chaos I have no right to create? My sons 30 and 26, well as I have stated I love you and will give you a place to lie your head when it's cold but that's pretty much it. My 26 year old is "trying" and I can hope.
So if you have read this far thank you. It feels great just getting it out there.
Peace my friends!
Girl it is hard for me thinking I am giving feedback to a woman called "Fooled" after reading your post. By the way this post is right out of my own story. You have covered so much of my then thoughts and feeling which triggered the changes that came as a result of adding the program and the fellowship and my sponsorship and the dedication I felt with a brand new Higher Power.
I started to trust the feedback from the almost entirely female fellowship I was attending with and soon felt that phenomenon we know as "change". Even though the changes were not right on perfect they resulted in better outcomes that I could ever dream up.
My sponsor encourage me to move away from all things alcohol and drugs and I separated from my family; not in an angry resentful way mostly in the "I'm doing different things now way". I separated from my alcoholic/addict which was more traumatic for me because I discovered that my feelings of attachment went much deeper than I ever knew. One day I pictured me carrying her as a infant in a baby basket and walking out to a most heavily trafficked intersection, laying the basket down in the center of the intersection and walking away. I left her under the eyes of HP and of course I wept. She wasn't killed in traffic...later on she got clean and sober and my HP used her to teach me humility. I was raised metaphorically and used that culture to help me understand how I needed to make changes in my life. I still use it.
Actively trusting the God of my understanding on a daily basis and building the honest relationship of who is in control and who is here to help that puts me in perspective and I stay true to it. I start my day in conversation with my HP, "Place me where you want me...tell me what to do". There are no arguments and the results are miracles.
I hear your spirit talking and its willingness to be better than which was also where I was at when I learned to reach out and ask the fellowship, "Can you help me"? Listen to the responses to that request and then choose to do something different than the way you have been doing it which isn't working out quite well. You're ready. (((((Hugs)))))
((Fooled)) this disease is indeed relentless and I so understand the pain that you are experiencing. Glad that you returned and shared. Keep using your tools, take care of yourself, pray for your chiildren, as I will, and know you are not alone
Suzann - good to see you, so glad you came and shared your truth....I believe that 'more is revealed' when we are ready. At any point I am pondering the best next step, I also lean heavily towards the God of my understanding. I came to recovery reasonably impulsive and turned my back on difficult things often. I left one marriage without truly giving it a chance, so am mindful of my past patterns of 'all/nothing' thinking which lead me to fly in a fight/flight scenario.
Others who came before me just kept suggested I keep praying about it and the answers would come. My own style really struggled with this, yet I have found the plan HP has for me is far greater than anything I wanted for myself. I also learned early on the slogan, "When in doubt, don't."
I also encourage you to keep using the program, tools, sponsor, steps, etc. I look back now and often wonder how I survived living with active addiction in my two boys + my AH and the answer that comes is I didn't, God did. (((Hugs))) - keep coming back - you are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you for your share Suzann. I think you've summed up your feelings quite adequately. MIP is indeed a great place to come and just write things out that are on our minds. I have no ESH to provide, as it sounds like you're really processing it all really well, to be honest. As you know, your answers will come in time. My sponsor always told me that when the time is right, HP will make it abundantly clear.
I got to the part about the dishwasher and the thought that entered my head was the next paragraph regarding taking the disabled one and leaving them all to their chaos.
Families are difficult, addicted families more so IMHO, around the expectation of giving and sacrifice. I can't say for sure based on where I'm at, but if it should turn out in 20 more years time that I am still in the position of having to take care of everyone just because I'm the mother, I will be heading for the hills, no questions invited. I know I always need some physical space that is only mine unless by express invitation. I don't see that happens in family life tbh, kids grow up but still come home, everyone expects their lifestyles to be respected but no onus of reciprocation. Add in alcoholism, aka selfishism, and yup, extra good luck getting around that. But I do believe if it is possible this programmes the pathway. Sending support.
