The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I made it to my first f2f meeting last week. I was intimidated and nearly talked myself out of it. But I pushed through, took a deep breath, put one foot in front of the other, and made myself walk through the doors. It was a great decision. I felt welcomed and cared for and finally understood. But it also brought forth some really deep feelings from within me and has made me start to face some rather harsh realities and Ive been slightly depressed and on the verge of tears ever since. Im beginning to see just how lost I am and how wrapped up in this disease I have been. Im 46 years old and I have no clue who I really am outside of my AH and his alcoholism. Ive allowed the anger and resentment and fear and anxiety that comes with this disease to steal precious time from me and now Im tasked with figuring out what my life should look like without all of that. And its overwhelming. I feel like I dont know up from down right now, let alone what direction I should be headed as I try to find myself. The meeting opened the floodgates to years of bottled up emotions and while I know its healthy to finally start processing all of that, its proving to be difficult and frightening to face all of it. I dont do well with uncertainty and Im struggling with the idea of a reality that looks much different than what I had imagined for my life.
(((Twinkies))) - huge hugs! Your share truly could have been written by me when I came to Al-Anon. I actually had a couple panic attacks when the denial began to lift, and I hope you got phone numbers - reaching out to others with time in the program really helped me greatly.
I had to be told/reminded that it's a process, and all that is required is action for progress. I had to be reminded I was not bad/lost but rather sick and affected by this disease. I had to be reminded to just breathe, breathe, breathe and focus on one day at a time - not the past and not the future.
I also never did well with uncertainty, and had great fear of the unknown reality I was facing. Again, I was encouraged to not project an unknown but instead find gratitude and joy in the present. So, so happy to hear you found your courage and made it it! Also, so happy to hear you felt welcomed, care for and understood. Be gentle with you - you are worth it!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I just want to say that you are not alone in this feeling. I am so glad that you felt welcomed at that meeting! The being understood is probably the best part. Keep going. Those who have been there before you will do exactly what Iamhere was doing... keeping you focused on TODAY. Helping you to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I too was so overwhelmed. I thank my HP for those who helped me with a place to live, money for food, tuition to go back to school, and the daily positive reminders that I could really reinvent myself and succeed!
I found taking a moment to take 5 deep breaths when I felt the most overwhelmed helped. Constant reminding to stay focused on The Next Right Thing, also helped me through my roughest days. Most of all, be kind to yourself. Try hard at not letting the "negative voice" inside you gain a foothold. One thing that I at first found silly - but really helped me - was for every negative put-down or thought I had, I HAD TO follow it with something positive. It was hard at first, but I found that it had a huge impact on keeping me in a positive, "can-do" frame of mind.
Wishing you peace today!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Change can be scary. I know it was for me, too, when I went to my first Al-Anon meeting. I was blessed with knowledge before going into the meeting that Al-Anon was about me and taking care of myself, so I didn't go in with any delusions thinking it was going to show me how to get the A in my life to stop drinking and to be honest.
One of the things I learned in Al-Anon was that I had a tendency to future-cast. I'd start trying to predict my future or I'd think about how much stuff I was going to have to do and it would overwhelm and paralyze me. It definitely brought up lots of fear. But I learned that I didn't have to figure everything out right NOW. There would be plenty of time for changes to occur... all I had to do was focus on the present moment. One day at a time.
Did you get a newcomer's packet? If you did, there should be a lovely little bookmark in there that says "Just for Today". Take that out and read it. I know reading it frequently when I was first in the program helped me tremendously. It reminded me over and over again to take it easy, and that all I had to do was what was right in front of me right now. Nothing else.
Later on as you progress, I think you'll start looking forward to those big questions you have - that figuring out who you are and what you like is actually quite fun, as you get to experiment with new things that bring you happiness.
I look at this differently. Whether it was denial, love, being oblivious, whatever it was that kept you "not in reality" -- it is. It's done. Don't beat yourself up. Go gentle unto yourself. After the Titanic hit the iceberg...it didn't matter whose fault it was!!! All of the analysis, blame game, beating up yourself, wanting to be right, and so on...all it is...is just throwing lounge chairs off the deck of the Titanic...and it won't make a difference...the ship is still sinking!
Paralysis by analysis is common. Personally, in my experience, people look for answers, try to figure it out, analyze, discuss, rationalize, vacillate, justify...and more...as an excuse. It is more that they can do so that they don't have to look at reality and they don't have to take action!!!
That said...it's amazing that you felt welcomed and cared for and yes, you are finally understood!!! So many people have seen what you are seeing, have faced what you are facing and have been through what you are going through! And they gone through it...successfully and have come out the other side...they have gotten better, gotten healthy...and today live wonderful lives!!! Notice how I didn't say they are or are not still with the alcoholic in their lives! I am speaking about YOU. You can be happy, healthy, and live a wonderful life...whether or not you are with or not with the alcoholic!!!
Yes, sometimes people do face harsh realities. If you want to get better, and get ..no different than the alcoholic or addict...you have to come out of the denial!!! Yes, when we come out of the denial, we see and feel how lost we are, how focused and obsessed with the alcoholic we are. We see that there is no ME, and there's just the drama and chaos, and the havoc and turmoil created by this disease and the alcoholic. Now, this is very different than the alcoholic coming out of denial and their recovery. This is OUR denial and OUR recovery. That's why I believe the two programs, while based upon the same 12 steps minus one word, are different and have a different approach and a different way of looking at recovery. This is said in many openings of many meetings. So, if it were me, I wouldn't be looking at the alcoholic's approach or thinking here. I won't want someone in AA telling me how they recovered in AA, and their experience in alanon is going to be different than mine. To each their own. Everyone's recovery could be different and I feel the alanon recovery for someone is AA is different than the alanon recovery for someone not in AA. That's just my feelings and observations. Take what you like and leave the rest.
I too lost myself and had no idea or no clue who I was. I had no idea how my life had gotten to the point it was. Alanon does not get people to leave or stay with an alcoholic spouse. It doesn't get people to stay married or get divorced. I feel alanon can allow us to get better, to get healthy...and you can get to a point, healthy, happy, clear thinking and focused, where YOU can decide what you want you life to be and look like. For me, alanon didn't get me to divorce my wife. Alanon got me healthy so I was able to be in a place where I could make healthy, focused, clear, and quality decisions...and create the life I wanted! You can't do that if you are not healthy, under duress, have anxiety, are lost, are so deep in it you can't think straight.
We can struggle with a reality that looks very different than what we wanted, dreamed of, hoped for, even imagined, for our lives. Pain is inevitable...suffering is optional.
You don't have to suffer, and keep struggling. Work the program...and you will get better. You will get healthy. Do the work and you will arrive at a place where you will be able to decide what kind of life you want, and what you want it to be, look like, and be like. It's all about YOU and all for YOU.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Aloha Twinkie and congratulations on the courage to get to that first meeting (courage to change) and I will pray that your courage grows so that you make the next one. Don't worry or think about tomorrows...stay in today and go over what you have already learned today. If you got literature use it and keep it with you and phone numbers if you got them. I learned that the panic and fear was usual to the new comer when I was one which made me angry a lot and often. As I kept working the suggestions; "One day at a time", "Let go and let God", "Easy Does it" and the rest of the slogans my life got calmer and better.
Sending you love and care and pray for your keep coming back. ((((Hugs))))
Sounds like your meeting was a huge success, and those emotions - though painful and very real - are a terrific start to the overall recovery process for you.
I say - well done Twinkies, and keep coming back!
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
When I read your sharing, I could relate so much with you. With your feelings. I am a long time member, and it took me back so much to when I found Alanon. My heart always went out whenever we had a Newcomer walk through the doors of Alanon. I wasn't in a good place at the time, and had been talking to Alanon people a lot before, they suggested for me to come to a Meeting. Someone said that they would met me out the front, however when I got there, there was no one there, I was so scared to have to walk in there by myself, but I did. I could have turned around and went home, but I didn't.
When I went in there, I felt the person in charge was questioning me as to was he an Alcoholic. I couldn't wait for the meeting to be over, and I bolted out the door, knowing that I wasn't going to go back. I had recently separated from my Husband, and for 3 Months, it was awful, but all the time something kept telling me I had to go back, and I did. The second time, I got it, it started to work for me. I can remember when I first felt a tiny bit of Serenity, something I had never felt at all. It was so wonderful, and I wanted more of it. I held onto the Just For Today Card, lived it, ate it. I couldn't manage, One Day At A Time, it seemed to much for me, I had to have Just For Today. I still live by it many years since.
I can remember one of the members telling me, down the track, that when I came into Alanon, she looked at me, and thought that if she hugged me, I would be like Chrystal, I would shatter. Twinkies, I do hope you keep coming back, as You have some many people who care about you, can feel your pain, will hold your hand, when things get tough. Will cry with you, for you, laugh and Love you. I can say it isn't easy, but so much worth while. Alanon saved my life, and still is, and has given me so much. When you look inside yourself, Twinkies, that is when you will find all of your Rainbows. I will keep you in my Heart, and Prayers, and wish you well on your Journey.
