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So last night was rough. Had one of my nightmares involving my Ex-husband. I find it odd that when things are going especially good - I am peaceful, no fires to put out, Ex and I are actually meeting and talking like adults - that I have one of these dreams.
This one involved a scenario in which I was at my own place that I had established, but Ex was there (showed up unexpectedly in active addiction/alcoholism). I had found out that he had stolen all my keys and had made copies of them... but b/c he was drunk, he left them out and I found them. So, in the dream I thwarted his plan, but all the fear of having to hide things, or keep them on my actual person, flooded back. I was unsafe in my safe space!! I awoke in a sweat! I always calm myself down by repeating, "It's not like that anymore, you're OK now."
Now, like I said, things are really good right now. Kid and I have actually met and had a meal out with Ex 3X this past month. Ex is working his program hard. He is now able to sponsor people... he tries very hard to work actions around me, not words. As for myself, I have figured out how to live without bitterness and resentment. I think because I know that we are divorced and I don't have to engage with him at all if I don't want to. My choice, my control.
I see the dreams as "Lack of control" dreams. In the larger picture, I only have them about once a month, but I don't even want that.
Has anyone else experienced this? Did the dreams eventually die off?
Thanks in advance!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Hi PnP -- For me, the dreams have become very rare now. Just like you, I work my program diligently and that helps. It's literally like healing a wound. The wound doesn't disappear all at once, but it fades and eventually there is just a slight scar.
I believe that we dream every night- and that most of the time they are healing...
...losing sleep is one of the symptoms of anxiety. I dreamed up a storm last night- but for the life of me cannot remember any of the details.
When they do wake me up- it is because of a disturbance. Old stuff surfacing. I suppose being able to face this stuff is a sign of growth and maturity...
Oh my gosh, yes, I have nightmares about exes. Specifically about a particular ex that I dated before I met my exAH. This particular man was scary and was on the verge of physical abuse. He was an addict/alcoholic. I was stressed out the entire time I lived with him. I was scared.
We went our separate ways, thank goodness, but I often have dreams where for whatever reason I've moved back in with the guy. I always wake feeling relieved to realize it was just a dream.
I think, for me, that the dreams indicate that I've not had proper closure around the situation. I rarely, if ever, dream about any of my other past relationships. One would think I'd have loads of dreams about my exAH, but I actually don't, and I think it's because by the time we'd divorced, I had worked through all my anger, pain, guilt, fears, etc. with the help of Al-Anon. We had an amicable divorce. I even made my 9th step amends with him a few years ago. It feels like closure to me.
I didn't have the help of Al-Anon with this other guy. I met and left him pre Al-Anon.
I'm speaking only for myself, but I do wonder if I should write an amends letter to him. I'm NOT going to contact him - even with the letter. My sponsor and I agreed a long time ago that contacting this particular person would be unsafe. But, I'm thinking I didn't actually write something to own up to my own part in a way that would sound like I was speaking to him. I put him on my 8th step so long ago that I just can't remember beyond the conversation my sponsor and I had that this needed to be more an amends to myself and a living amends. Hmmm (sorry, I'm just rattling on about my own stuff)
I'm glad you posted this as it got me thinking about the above.
I hope you find some peace with your dreams.
Other recurring nightmares: I dream that I'm back in High School and it's my last week before graduation and I find out that I'm failing a class that I didn't even know I was supposed to have been taking!
PnP - I am like Freetime where I rarely have those kinds of dreams any longer. I didn't have a bunch but a few and they are 'jarring'....They will pass with time and distance between the last 'event'. I don't exactly know why, but I tend to dream way more in the daytime than at night. I have read that dreams are part of the lighter sleep time vs. deep sleep time, and that would make sense based on my more recent experiences.
I dont' have any that recur and for that, I'm grateful. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks all for responding. Some good ESH to chew on for me!
Freetime - I guess you are right... I have an old wound that is "healing from second intention" - to speak in vet tech terms - it has to heal from the inside out, and can be a long process, but WILL eventually heal over leaving a scar.
Thank you David, for your insight! I am perhaps dealing with some anxiety, and I am trying hard to "hand it over," thus giving up CONTROL. I thought I was doing pretty good. LOL!
Aloha - You know, what you posted has got me to thinking... I did put my Ex on my Step 8 list, and I am currently sitting on Step 9. Not sure why I haven't moved forward. I guess I am not ready. Maybe my dream is letting me know that? Maybe I am not as healthy in regards to the bitterness that I had originally thought I was? Hmmmm, some things to ponder for sure! I think I would write that letter too, Aloha... but like you said, not send it. Maybe ceremoniously burn it - I like that kind of stuff!
Iamhere - good to hear that I am not alone in this, and that these dreams will lose their impact in time. Thank you!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
My experience with those kinds of dreams is that they center around something still unresolved within myself. Although I no longer get them about my ex, they can center around some other unresolved fear. For me, they involve having one foot in the past and one in the future and not being fully present in my waking hours. I think I'm present but something is ruminating in my subconscious. Other times, it can be a person, place or thing that triggers something without my even realizing. Often for me, it's the spiritual part of my program that is lacking - having times when I'm almost incapable of letting go and trusting that I'm being taken care of by my higher power. Saying the Serenity Prayer to let go and resume peaceful sleep can help. Overall, the catastrophizing dreams happen much less often these days because I have evidence that recovery works and time in the program has helped me to know what tool might help me in a given situation.
As far as resentments, we're told in Alanon that they are based on expectations. The more work I do in daylight, the more peaceful my sleep. I've found if I don't work on this stuff, I sleep on it and rob myself of serenity. Team work with a gentle and loving sponsor along with a higher power that loves me unconditionally has helped with feeling, dealing and healing the past and living abundantly in the present. Today, my go to slogan concerning others is Keep an Open Mind. I can be cautiously optimistic about positive changes I see in them because after all, I've changed in positive ways so why not them? I know it's possible for them to be as much a child of a loving hp as I am of mine.
I wish you sweet dreams. Thank you for sharing. I'm glad we're recovering with one another here :) (((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I watched a dream last night. Like you, Aloha I often dream I am going to a test- and I have socks on, but no shoes! Forty years ago our valley floor was flooded to make hydro-electricity. When the construction crews arrived they bought along AA, and with it, Alanon.
We had land here- part flooded, and part above the new lake. I grew fruit and had a few sheep. I keep dreaming that I am farming my sheep- but the land now belongs to other people... and this actually happened. So this is unfinished business- and unfinishable... :(
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