The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A brother and I had the most intense, and very satisfying chat today...I told him about my deeeep and intense step 4 work of late and how I felt about me, my program and my progress and how this program has been my saving grace......and HE jumped in and we kinda did a step 4 together...burned half my cell phone battery with him but it was WORTH it...we did some "going back" (He attended AA for a while so very familiar with the steps) in time to remember and reflect on why we feel/act this way, etc., and I filled in some blanks for him and HE filled in some blanks for me....he told me I was his little hero from day one and why and especially when we were older......it really melted my heart.........
he shared with me the memory of He and our other brother were outside playing and I am in the house, and I hear this awful SCREAMING....a youngster, screaming...I was 20, I think, back from my grandad's visit in Oklahoma and this was Boston and I was living, again with the creep...and my beloved younger brothers...Whom I really wanted to make life easier for.....
I run outside and the monster has a stiff rake, not the floppy kind, but a STIFF one and hes trying to beat one of my lil brothers with it...he hit him a few times as I saw bloody "holes" in his legs and I went NUTS!!!!
I ran out of the house and I jumped on the beast's back and I am clutching his throat and I bit into his lower neck....I wanted to get the Jugular vein, but he was sweating and shirtless so I kept sliding down his back and had to hang on with my teeth and claws....I clawed his face, I bit a hole in his neck and upper shoulder to get him off my brother....he bellowed in anger and in pain and hes running all over the driveway, dropped the rake and hes trying to get me off him, but I was clawing him and biting into his flesh....blood spurted on my face and down his chest....my A brother recalled this vividly and he related it to me today.....finally the enemy slammed me into the side of the house to get me off him and yea, I let go of my grip, the wind knocked out of me a bit, but the message I gave him was CLEAR!!!!
DO NOT touch my brothers or I am coming at you with fangs and claws and I'm gonna hurt you....He looked afraid of me, as he was standing there, bleeding from his bleeding, ugly wound I gave him ..and then he trundled into the house to get medical care for the hole i bit into him.......
I had forgotten this incident until today when my brother "R" told me I was his hero from then on...I was little, I'm only like 5"2 or so and weigh MAYBE 105#, and really I am a live and let live person , but don't mess with my loved ones and don't hurt my pets.....I had to laugh as "R" recounted HIS take on this melee with the small me, biting and scaring the hell out of this monster who was maybe 5"11 to 6' and weighed at least 180#....
I told "R" when I saw him go after "C" (the other brother) with the rake and was hitting him with it, I was gonna tear him to pieces.....and damned near did!!!!!
we talked alot about the family dysfunction, trading theories about why we feel/do this and that and the others why they behaved the way they did
AND....the good news (not holding my breath) but "R" asked me if we could work the steps together....Nothing said about his drinking, in fact he confessed that he was drinking at the end of our convo, he waited until we were nearly done to pour that first drink, BUT he said he was gonna do two and then eat his grilled pork chop...he was waiting for the coals to get hot on the grill.......
so it would be good to work steps with him....I Don't have much expectations about his drinking, but maybe working through all the stuck grief et al with him, maybe I can help him release HIMself from the anger, grief, etc....
he sees the changes coming about in me and he told me today that he really loved me all the time, but NOW, he is even more proud of me...It felt good to hear that as I love this gentle, good hearted soul who 99% of the time, is honest as can be and tries to do what is right..This gentle spirit who is my brother
I hold no high expectations, but as long as there is life, there is always hope
(((((((((Betty))))))))))) thanks...and BOY what a surprise...Here I am in the deeepest step 4 I have done to date and guess who is ready at my beck adn call to help me with it???? Go figure!!!! HP works in mysterious ways....I do hope we work step 4 together real soon....he was great with me today.....I can't believe he remembered that "beastie" I did on the offender....I went absolutely nuts when i saw him hurting my buddies!!! my brothers were my best mates...now the youngest one is lost due to heroine and "C" is now dead...so its "R" and me...hanging in there together....
Where there is breath, there is hope. Like you said, perhaps working the Steps together will heal some of his hurt. I know you know not to have any expectations on the drinking.
Asking my HP to talk with your HP on giving you a smooth road to travel with this!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Sending a prayer Rose for you and your brother and your Hp's to help you both heal in whatever form it needs to take. Great that he gets to see your example and you get to shine on. Seems hopeful at least for today possibly more too. HP knows.
I am cautious; sometimes I have gotten my hopes up when I have had great spiritual conversations with a sibling only for it to have been just a temporary respite from disease...but it was something at least. I have to be careful with my heart. It is precious real estate. When I have gotten hopes dashed I was reminded that HP has given me multiple siblings in the ala-rooms and for me not to get too attached to the form that brother or sister love energy comes in because it is ALL God's love coming through many different channels.
all the best,
luv123
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Wishing all the best on your recovery journey, Luv
That's exciting Rose and hold on to your awareness about how our side of the disease works with everything we do. My brothers reacted to the changes in my behaviors, thoughts, feelings and spirit when I got into recovery not even knowing I was in recovery. They were reacting to the changes and at times had comments that for me were expected and didn't cause me to react negatively. I knew they were who they chose to be and it wasn't my choice or opportunity to challenge it. There were times when they challenged me and times when their children mentioned they were planning to change also (I didn't react). I did once have a smart assed response to a niece when she asked me why I changed and then that was it. I have directed other family members to the programs and even taken them to meetings if they agreed. I don't know how those events have affected their lives while I know how the disease has. I tell them how it worked for me and then turn them over. Prayers and good wishes to you and your brother. ((((hugs))))
