The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
(An alternate version of this story was printed in the AA Grapevine, May 2010, under the title Just Friends. That version was later reprinted in a collection of Grapevine stories called Forming True Partnerships.)
It was Monday and I had to go to the bank. I had just started a new job and I needed to set up an account for direct deposit. I wasnt too happy about missing my weekly Al-Anon meeting. The bank opened at 10 and the meeting started at 10. The whole process took about 20 minutes. The meeting was about a 20 minute walk from where I was and that would only leave me 20 minutes of a meeting.
Id been looking forward to the meeting because I had a story I wanted to share with them, about something that had happened to me the previous week. I mentioned that I had just started a new job. It was actually a return to my previous place of employment. I was a clerk at the main branch of the library. My first shift had been on a Thursday. That meant I had to miss my Thursday night AA meeting also. I don't like to miss meetings, but sometimes it can't be avoided.
Just before my first break, I spotted another member of the Thursday night group at one of the tables in the library. I said hello and we chatted for a bit. She was writing a term paper and it was due Friday so she had no choice but to miss the meeting as well. I suggested we take a coffee break and we had our own mini-meeting. She told me about a slogan she had read on the wall at a meeting in the Valley.
If you want something you never had before, do something you never did before. I liked that saying. I had tried for years to sober up, but I never could. It was because I always ended up doing the same things over and over, expecting different results. But this last time I was doing things I had never done and as a result I was getting something I never had, sobriety.
And thats the story I wanted to share at the meeting. So, even though I was going to be late, I went to the meeting anyway. Maybe I could help someone through the next 24 hours by sharing what had helped me through the last 24 hours. Little did I know the immense change my life was about to take simply by going to that meeting.
The meeting was in the basement of the Lutheran church on the corner of Portland and Hawthorne Street. I often attended an AA meeting there on Saturday nights. To avoid further confusion, I am a member of both AA and Al-Anon. For the most part, I tried to keep the two separate but every one at the Al-Anon group knew I was in AA. There was one woman who had escorted her husband to the AA meeting on Saturday and she also went to the Al-Anon meeting. Her name was Nancy. I never mentioned that I remembered her because I did not want her to be uncomfortable, but sometimes she would smile conspiratorially at me so I figured she remembered too.
I generally kept my distance from the Al-Anon ladies. I figured they had suffered enough from the drinking of their own spouses or relatives and they didnt need to get to know me too well. So, when the meeting was over I would avoid the hugging and the meeting after the meeting, duck out and head to Tims for a coffee before taking in a noon AA meeting.
Life is seldom so uncomplicated.
Nancy stopped me after the meeting was over and asked me a question. She actually said she was going to do something shed
never done before and talk to me. Immediately my ego kicked in and I wondered what does she want that shes never had? She asked me a very simple straightforward question.
She said, Can you tell me what its like to be an alcoholic? My husband never talks to me about it. I knew from hearing bits and pieces of her story that their marriage was on the rocks, he left or she kicked him out, the usual story.
Attempting to be humble, I replied, Why dont you attend an open AA meeting, preferably a speaker meeting. Then, you can hear a recovered alcoholic tell his complete story.
I wouldnt mind hearing your story from start to finish. She replied.
Well if I ever manage to stay sober long enough to tell it, Ill let you hear it. But, seriously, theres an open speaker meeting at the Club tonight at 8 pm. You could go to that one. I suggested.
Oh I dont know. Im no good around strangers and I hear a lot of people go to that meeting. She said timidly.
Jim Dandy to the rescue. Well Ill be there with some friends. You can sit with us.
Oh? Well, if youre going, maybe I can drive you to the meeting. We could go for coffee first. It sounded harmless enough. So I agreed. Thats when I told her I lived in a transition house, that I had a curfew and that if she didnt have me home by midnight Id have to move in with her. We both laughed.
The meeting was at 8. Nancy picked me up at 6. Some of the guys were razzing me about it. I assured them it wasnt what they were thinking. Its not like that. We were just friends. The interesting part is that we were just friends.
We had a few hours to kill so we went for coffee. We had some polite conversation and some kidding around. I told her what the guys had said and she laughed. I felt very relaxed in her presence. One of us made a comment that we should get to the meeting because this was starting to feel like a date, but it wasnt a date, or was it?
The meeting was powerful in a spiritual sense. The place was packed. The speaker was very moving. There was lots of laughter, lots of tears, lots of love. Nancy was floored by the whole thing. After it was over, she remarked to me that she felt like she had been hit in the stomach with a 2x4. She didnt know whether to laugh, cry, or throw up.
The meeting was over at 9. I still had 3 hours till my curfew and since we were having such a great time just being friends we decided to have another coffee and a drive along the coast. Maybe that part was a bit romantic, but it was her idea. I chuckle when I think about that because one of my shortcomings is to pretend I am the pursued and not the pursuer; that way, if things go south, I don't have to accept responsibility for my actions. Oh well, I was a work in progress. I still am.
At this point in my recovery program, I had completed my personal inventory step, which is a self-examination of my behaviour and conduct during my years of active alcoholism. I was shopping around for someone to share my story with. Suddenly, I had a great idea! I could ask Nancy. She had lots of Al-anon time in and shed just been exposed to an AA talk. I trusted her and I felt comfortable around her, so she was a perfect choice. Besides, once she found out the types of things I had done in my downward spiral, she would think twice about getting romantically involved with me.
I asked Nancy and she agreed and so I told her my personal story. My story took about 2 hours. When I was finished, she thanked me. She said no man had ever been so open and honest with her. There were tears in her eyes and a few in mine too. It was an experience I will not soon forget. And then she told me her story.
Nancys story was not as long as mine but it was similar in many ways. We had grown up in the same neighborhoods, we knew a lot of the same people, we drank in the same places, we felt the same feelings, we liked the same types of food and the same music, we both liked dancing. I never realized how much in common we actually had. But, it was because I never really taken the time to get to know her because of my fear of screwing it up.
As her story unfolded, something magical happened. I realized that I was in love with Nancy. I figured I was probably in love with her since the day I laid eyes on her and that no matter what happened next, I would always be in love with her. So, I kissed her. I figured this could go two ways. Either, she would kiss me back or she would throw me out of her truck while it was still moving and maybe run over me as I tried to get away. Well, obviously she didnt throw me out of her truck.
Later that night, I took Step 6, 7 and 8. They dont take very long if you do them right. The following day, Nancy and I went to a noon meeting. After the meeting, I told her why I kissed her and after I got up from being down on one knee, we decided we would walk this road together. My sponsor wasnt crazy about the idea but he liked the fact that I was on step 9 when I proposed, and not step 1 like I usually was. And I truly believe that is why we were so successful in what we set out to do. We had solid programs.
I have always believed that without God in my life and without the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and all that it entails, I would have nothing and I would be nothing, so my program takes precedence over everything else. I was very clear about that. I told Nancy that if she ever got in between me and my program, there would be a battle and she would lose. Thats when she told me about her black belt in Al-Anon. She later became a member of our Fellowship and celebrated 17 years in September.
I remember I said, I can't promise you the moon or the stars, or that I'll love you until the end of time, because I don't know what I'll be doing at the end of time. I only know what I'm doing today. So I can only offer you that one day. Today.
That was March 24, 1998. One day at a time has been working just fine.
-- Edited by Wolfie55 on Saturday 23rd of March 2019 01:19:15 PM
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Not all my days are priceless, but none of them are worthless, anymore.
& again... yes... in my early years in Alanon- I was told this rule of thumb. That 10% of wives leave their alcoholic husbands, and 10% of husbands stay with their alcoholic wives. I expect the ratios have changed somewhat since those earlier days.
Over the years I have been propositioned a number of times inside of Alanon. In friendly gentle ways. And I have responded, in turn, with some friendly gentle boundaries.
I think that is okay- chuffed at being asked, most times.
But I have not needed to proposition other members myself- and I haven't.
Having said that in one I have gotten to know people inside of Alanon in a deep and privileged way. Each case and situation is different and none of us are in any position to judge.
It is the 24th March here in New Zealand Bernie- so I wish you a happy anniversary, and many more to come...!!! ...
(((((((((((((((((((((((((Nancy and Bernie)))))))))))))))))))))))))
After reading your share, I must confess I have been seeing an alanon member for the past 30 years and it works because we work it every day. Just moved in together last July and although it was a challenge for me we are successful. I love both programs for living. :) Great to see you posting again -- have missed you
Congratulations Bernie and what a lovely story! It made my heart smile! Our meeting this morning talked about the first part of Step 12 - Having had a spiritual awakening... - as many shares were focused on how HP led each of us to our spiritual awakening and a host of spiritual experiences. I met and married someone in AA and while he did not stay sober, that doesn't change our love - it just adds new opportunities each day for growth and change. Next month, we will celebrate 28 years of marriage - for me, one day at a time.
I know many success stories of recovery relationships. I believe that when we truly surrender and work our recovery, we are led where we are meant to be - you and Nancy are shining examples of Miracles in Progress! (((Hugs))) to ya both!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Happy Anniversary ((((Bernie&Nancy))) Thanks for sharing your story. Wishing you many many more sober and sane years together. I especially related to the part of your story when you told one another your programs would always come first. Although my life partner and I didn't meet in the rooms, he was newly sober again when we met. It was one of the first things he told me along with understanding if I felt I wanted to walk away because he is an alcoholic. With ten years in Alanon, I agreed to be a "lady friend" to him and we could see where it goes. He could "date" others. He was just a few months sober and felt what I could be to him would be enough. Almost nine years later, we share a home and recovery life with one another. We look back on our first meeting as stranger and smile about how hp brought a couple of recovery people together to be a couple. We joke with recovery friends that we are one another's sponsor. We're grateful for every day.
I hope you have a beautiful day with one another. Keep coming back. I know you will. ((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I did not realize this story was about you!! LOL!
Thank you for sharing your story. Happy Anniversary!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thank you for sharing, Wolfie... And congratulations on your anniversary! When I got to the part of you getting to step 9 and proposing I felt sure the story was about to take a sad turn, because things just don't work that way in life, but this is recovery and a miracle... I have already seen some of what HP can do when I'm open, this is one of those hope stories for me.
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