I wasn't going to share here because it is maybe SOME alanon, lots of ACA, but thought I would share because it is a release for me...a breakthrough for me...

You all have read my posts enough to know that my mother from my birth acted as if she didn't want me...I never got hugs..baby pics had my sister and never me with her....She locked me in a cage so she could drink....she neglected me and even abused me physically

when the offender began sexually molesting me, she not only enabled him , but attacked ME for HIS crimes....She was as gulity as he was in many respect...Guilt by O_mission is as bad, sometimes as guilt by Co_mission...

yes, she was horrid, but I do remember AT TIMES her showing some affection for me...I remember her using the curling iron to do my hair....She enjoyed my acting on stage...I was a child actor at ages 9-10 and we did plays all over the NE coast...Children's classic....the papers wrote about my tour-de-force performance as the evil Stella in the play Great Expectations where poor little "Pip" who was in love with nasty Stella was repeatedly verbally abused by him, but also was tormented by her beauty and her using her wiles to confuse the poor lad...I got a standing ovation and "mom" loved it when people threw money and flowers at me.....A lady named Natalie Wilson, who discovered the very sucessful Natalie Wood, saw me and wanted to sponsor me as a real actor..She said my looks and talents were a "lock" for sucess...She wanted to take me to Pasedena playhouse in California to begin my training...my mother was all for it but the offender refused.....yea, we can guess why,  at age 10 I was already showing promise of being a very attractive young lady....and we all know his attraction for young, minor females

fast forward, after that opportunity got shot down, I began to lose interest in my piano and ballet....it just didn't seem to matter anymore....I went for long rides on my horses to get away

I don't know when her hate for me returned, but it did..She was horrid to me...I guess she was angry that I didn't get to go to CAL and be gone from her...I don't know, but I know my life was an even worse hell after the acting got shot down

the the abuse and you all know it lasted throughout my teens adn into my very early 20's until I could get far enough away from him to be free

but I drug my demons with me...Living in a small flat, downtown , I had the cellar apt. under some boys I knew whom I knew wold help me if I needed protection...I lived there, and was still working for the offender, desperately looking for a new job as I struggled to break free from him entirely...

In 1970, I was coming home from work and I remember nothing until I woke up in the Doctor's clinic, drugged up and connected to machines...apparently I had a breakdown...I don't remember it happening..I do sorta remember going down my small set of steps to reach my door to my flat and I couldn't feel a THING in my body...I was numb all over and hence fell down the stairs...My highschool friend found me lying at the bottom of the steps and he called my mother and SHE was the one who picked me up and took me to clinic

2 days i was there, being on a "drug holiday" to slow down my racing heart beat, and I sort of remember the doctor yelling at her that "if you don't want to bury this child, you BEST stop what is tormenting/driving her to this state...this is the worrst case of shell shock i've seen"

he prescribed me 10 mg, librium 4 times a day for the first month, then 3 a day there after

my mother took me to that house I was tormented in and into her bedroom which was my OLD room where my hell occurred...Apparently when I moved out, she moved in it and changed it all around...It didn't look like my old room, but it was still "that room where I died"  

anyway, she puts me to bed and he comes home from work, angry that there is no dinner and FINALLY she confronts him...She tells him  "I have dead children in the ground and I am not going to bury another so I suggest you move out until Rose is well enough to go to her own flat... so GET out NOW"  and so he packed his stuff and left, after tossing a few curse words at her

I was drugged pretty heavily, but I got that conversation as it was so stunning and surprised...was SHE defending ME???  was SHE protecting ME????  

She fed me, walked me, nurtured me for about 3 weeks I stayed there with her...I noticed that I wanted out of there....I wanted to go back to my own flat.....I didn't feel any "child to mother" love for her...I just didn't feel ANYthing for her....AT some point, my love for her passed on, like my trust and my hope and my dreams and my potential and my faith in anything...

I was too sick and weakened and drugged to really protest so I just rode it out till she got my brothers to "baby sit" me at my own flat where I rested until I was able to go back to work....I thought about my responses or lack thereoff to her and thought "well , they killed my ability to even attach to another human"  yet when i was at my flat, my brothers babysitting me, I felt glad to have their company....

my now next to me brother (the one a bit older then he died in 2000) got some weed and we would smoke weed together...him, me and your younger brother...yea, we got high alot and I was able to relax and yea, I enjoyed their compamy....This rest period lasted about 6 weeks, then i Had to get back to work...

AND I wanted to tell him to go "F*** himself"  and I got my chance like the 2nd day I was back to work

He began having a go at me about something I did at work that was wrong, I guess, and so I picked up this VERY heavy old adding machine and I tossed it right at his head....it barely missed him and it crashed through the big window that went to the office foyer....

He cursed me and I told him to come back...I found some more shit to throw at him...

Naturally.....he fired me...

I got UI benefits and got a new job that was OK till I could move up some more, but I was GONE from him

Meantime, Mother dearest is trying to be a "mom" to me...when she knew the freak was out of town or probably hunting young prey, she would invite me over for dinner...always had my favorite dishes and she was a great cook...so yea, i went and dined with her, chatted with her, it was as though my nearly beating her to death, 2 years prior never happend....

Oh yea, she came at me with a knife and I grabbed the hand which held the knife, smacked it on the kitchen table, and tossed her to the floor and beat adn strangled her, nearly killing her....I am not proud of this, but she had finally pushed me too far...

NOW, 2 years later, she is trying to be a mother to me...here we are in the same kitchen where I nearly killed her, eating our fine food, steak, salad, biscuits, home made, yea, she really put up a fine dinner....I politely did the dishes and tidied up as it was only fair and we would chat, and I would go home...

THEN she buys be a beeeutiful schwin bike, to die for and herself a smaller cruiser type bike and she wants to go bike riding....SURE, I say....Lets go!!!! and ride we did...20 mile treks and did I say ALL these visits and bike riding she was SOBER????

yea, amazing...No drinking...Just eating her great food and riding our bikes...I still was suspicious, like "whats she up to???"  "why is she being a mom to me NOW????"  whats her game?????  but She never asked me for anything...Just my company...so yea, I took advantage of her feeding me great food and it was pretty certain:  when he was for sure gone, I got fed a royal dinner....and weekend bike riding..it was fun...One time we rode from Boston down to the Cape Cod....on BIKES!!!!  it was fun...

It was a great 2 years with her...from the time of my breakdown in late summer 1970  to summer 1972...One day, (April 1972)  I go to the house to meet up with her on my bike and I see her cleaning blood from her anal area...I ask her about it and she dismisses it as her "time of the month"  I am thinking  "naaaw, shes in her 50's like she was just turned 56...I know we were extremly young for our ages as I took after her in looks, but naaw that CANT be menstrual blood"  but she insisted that she still got her "friend" once in a while....so yea, I let it go...but I didn't quite "buy" into it

Spring turned nto summer and we are riding our bikes,getting into fantastic shape and its time for her and the perp to go to the summer cottage in Cape Cod...yea, he wanted to hang out at cottage a lot because we had a yacht there and it was boating season full on!!!!  so she snuck me a key to the house and told me she wold make sure I had plenty to eat and to use the washer and dryer, to use /eat what I wanted...AND said she would call me when my brothers were there and I could come down and we would do a HUGE BBQ with seafood, quohogs, we could catch at our water front property that she had a great suffing recipe for....clam digging and boiled clams and tons of butter.....YES!!!  let the food begin....and Oh yea!!! Bring your little friends , she says,  lets have some fun this summer...

After that chat, They had to come back home to Boston because mom had a terrible cold and so shes in a hospital in Boston and will NOT let the docs treat her UNLESS her daughter, Rose is with her...My awful, shithead brother is angry because HE has to go get me at work adn take me to her...(My car was in shop)  so yea, we go to the hospital and the doctor said "oh you're Rose??? Thank goodness!!! She won't let us treat her w/out you there with her"  so I go into her room and I tell her "hey you gotta be good and let them clean out your lungs so we can go bike riding again"  so she brightens up when she sees and hears me and began to cooperate as a patient...3 days later, she is well enough to rest up at the cape....Its summer, early July...

she called me pretty regular on the phone, to chat me up and say she missed me...one call was about my SIL slagging me about not liking her all that much and mom said she told my now deceased former SIL to "lay off her daughter---don't slag my kid and we will be fine"  she tells me this and I said that "P" could be a bitch but really she was OK, just married to a bad person (my oldest bro)

anyway, our LAST phone call on this earth was on a late July evening, July 31st, to be exact , 1972, she's at the cottage an she is alone and I detect that she has gotten a "slight buzz" on some wine,  yep she said I was spot on,  but she was not gonna get drunk because she had some stuff to say to me

I said "OK" and she begins to tell me that inspite of all the hell I went through, I was one of the most decent human beings she ever knew and that she loved me and respected me and she told me I was drop dead gorgeous with an even prettier heart...that she was proud of me

I could NOT believe my ears....SHE is saying THIS to ME????  I asked her , You mean my sister, right????  she said  "no, I mean you...You have made me proud" and then she referred to my victories on stage and the beauty contests that I HATED but did it to please her....yea, she brought that up and said she was sorry she did that but "come on it was fun winning prizes hey????"  

We chatted into the evening and somehow I felt like she was saying maybe a "goodbye" speech....telling me she loved me...was proud of my looks and talents....my being a good/decent human being....and that this last 2 years have been great!!!!  its like she was, in her own way, making amends, I guess.

We chatted as I said, late into the evening, and then we hung up,  I went to sleep, worked that next day and then the freak calls me to tell me that "they found your mother, dead in the forward head, on the boat"  she died Aug 2, 1972

I was like "whaaaat the hell????"  I just talked to her Mon. night and this is Wed, am hes calling me....I dont' believe it....She went to the boat from the cottage to "read and relax" and he went later that am, to see whats up and she's not answering through the door when he calls her...He knows shes in the head, because the door is "bulging" a bit, so he takes OFF the door and there she is...so he gets baby bro to stay with the body while HE gets the police....why the hell did he leave my 16 year old bro to stay wtih the body????

Anyway, shes gone...My 2 year having a mother is gone...dead and cold in the bathroom of a boat...

I had mixed feelings...first disbelief..then anger that she had to go when we were STARTING to MAYBE be a mom and daughter...tho I was wary of her,  not sure of her, I was beginning to warm to her a little...Like I was beginning to CARE about her and here she is GONE!!!! 

the days up to her funeral were sort of a blur...i hung with my younger brothers, older sister clung to the oldest brother whom I loathed and avoided....My best girlfriend was with me so I had plenty of support....we had her funeral that Friday...first the wake...then the burial....I hardly remember the wake...I saw her in her casket, noting the tons of makeup they had to put on her face to cover the lividity   (blood seeps to lowest point and pools , causing skin to have red blotches)  anyway, it was later found out that she was on the loo, leaning forward so the blood settled on one side of her face...they did a decent job, making her up and the perp is there with his GIRLFRIEND!!! yea, burying the mother to his children with his latest sqeeze, eye candie.....

My friends and my younger brothers and I, after the wake adn funeral decided to stay at the boat because the freak and his "friend" were at the cottage....we all drank at the beach as we had our own dock and we were on and off teh boat, drinking and sorta just talking old times...I only wanted to remember the last 2 years....

we go to bed an the freak gets onto the boat and comes into the master stateroom and hes hitting up on my GF...she tells him to "F*** off and get outta her"  I begin yelling for the boys to wak up, and he leaves the boat....

the next day, I want to get the hell out of dodge as they say and so we leave....my GF is driving, my brothers staid at the cape, but my GF and my male pal whom I worked with, we all went back to Boston....We go to my flat..."H", my male friend goes home, so GF and I decide we are gonna  get "blitzed" at our favorite pub,  dance some and i'll spend the night at her flat.....

I told her over our beers that I was 1/2 angry that she left me after finally being a mother to me and 1/2 sorta worried where her soul is gonna go...Like did she make enough amends????  my GF, who was also Catholic says that it seems that she really tried to make things up to me, felt remourse and that , yea, maybe she is in a place where when YOU are released, perhaps you BOTH get released at the same time....

I don't know why I am remembering this...WHY now???  Am I seeing some good step 4 stuff about her???  she sure did love my acting and then the horrid years return, then I have my breakdown and she wants to be a real mom and I am NOT on teh stage,  NOT going recitals in the piano or ballet, NOT doing anythng but being a kid!!!! so there was nothing outside of my just being a kid an  she seems to want to love me.....

I am writing this and thinking, maybe there was some remourse, desire to make amends, even some love for me, and I do feel good when I remember those 2 years...yea, she was good to me when I was eye candy at beauty contests and on stage as actor, but this was DIFFERENT....I wasn't "performing" for her this time...I was just little,  messed up me!!!!  almost up to her death, I was wary,  i questioned her motives, I didn't trust her, but at the very end, I WAS starting to CARE for her...I enjoyed our dinners and our chats....I enjoyed sharing a joint with her...yea, me and my bro taught her how to smoke pot and she was a good lil "toker"..she didn't get all crazy like with the liquor....she was FUN when she was smoking...so yea, I would "share a joint" with her when I came over...we had FUN!!!  and the bike riding...she could ride that bike as well as I could ride mine....and we cruised all over the place....

I dont' know why I am #1, remembering this and #2, sharing this but it happend....I had to nearly be lost to mental breakdown for her to wake up and see me as a viable, lovable human being, but yea, she did, I think, love me....

Anyway, this is another step 4 "coming out party" for me...lying here in bed, thinking,  remembering, and yea, there and there, especially those last 2 years of her life, there WAS good...so why not just be gr8ful for what I HAD with her and I am willing to let all the pain with her GO!!!  CAST it onto my HP and LET IT GO......YES!!!  HP, I am willing....Can I forgive her???  I think so!!!  I think she was his victim too...I think he messed up her mind as bad as he did mine!!!  

Anyway, my bedtime story is over...Remembered....with gratitude towards my HP for bringing this, long buried, memory up...I was sooo focused on her bad, I almost blotted out the good we had....Now, to be fair, I need to remember both...and to remember that the LAST 2 years of her life , she WAS my mom!!!

Thanks for reading me!!!!!