The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Here I am trying to set up boundaries to protect me from my family and other addicts taking advantage of me. And yet I find myself feeling all alone and unneeded. I called a friend this evening and she was telling me about the great day she had. I ended up feeling jealous and left out. I spend a great deal of my down time alone. I have friends but spending time with them generally means spending money. I can't afford that right now. So for my Saturday, I ran errands, took a nap, and ran up to my parents to pick up some mail that was sent to them.
While friends are out living life, I feel that I am being left behind. I feel like I am being outgrown. I realize that, in truth, real friends want me in their lives. For some reason though, today that is just not enough. I want to be needed - to fill a part in someone's life.
Likely, I should have posted this on the ACOA board instead but oh well. I am not looking for lectures on being less enabling. I am simply looking for support and ideas that work for others when they are feeling this way.
Today, I was feeling kind of lonely and blue in the way you described. I was obsessing a little bit about a relationship that had ended fairly recently, and I just felt down.
I find that what helped me today was to recognize what was happening--in my case, I just said gently to myself--I'm obsessing and I am feeling down. Then, I asked myself, what would help me feel good right now? For me, what helps me feel good is to do something physical, something that requires me to get out of my head and into my body more.
Today, I went home, and first I had a snack because I was feeling hungry. Then, because I like to cook, I made a new dish. I put on music, I started dicing onions, and started sauteeing the pork, and guess what? Suddenly, I wasn't obsessing anymore, and I was feeling good. I spent several hours making a fairly simply but very satifisying dish that will be the center-piece of my take-to-work-lunches this week.
I find that my own thinking often perpetuates my bad, sad, mad, lonely feelings. I certainly want to feel my feelings and acknowledge them, and I do do that, but I find that there are certain kinds of thinking that make me feel worse. For example, I often compare myself/situation to other people's--when I compare my insides to other people's outsides--without a doubt I feel worse. I now try to gently interrupt this type of thinking.
The things that I have found that help me move out of my head and into my body and the present moment include: swimming, listening to music, cooking, reading a good book, going somewhere (cafe, wonderful downtown library), exploring, etc.
I find that what helps me is to just try to nurture myself as much as possible, and then my mood often lifts. There are times too, when I just realize that the reality is that I am feeling what I am feeling and if one of my normal pick-me-ups doesn't help me, I just acknowledge my mood to myself and allow myself to move gently through my day.
Hope this helps some! Take what you like, leave the rest! Hope you feel better soon.
(((angelinme))))) Your post really hit home with me, because I am an ACOA also, but I always just come to this site, so am glad you posted here.
So many of us in Al-Anon are ACOA's anyway, because it affected who we pick as partners. At least that's the way it seems to me.
My husband just returned 2 weeks ago after being gone for 5 weeks due to anger/alcoholism. During the time he was gone, he was wanting a divorce, and I missed him terribly and wanted him home. I was spending 99% of my downtime when I wasn't at work, alone. I didin't know at that point that he was even planning on someday coming home and was facing spending the rest of my life alone. I decided (after much crying and self-pity) that I could either spend those days unhappy and wishing I was dead, or I could do something constructive with them, and maybe, just maybe things would start looking up. It took everything I had to get up on weekends, facing them alone.
But, little by little, I started doing things I usually did not do when husband was here, for one reason or another. I turned up the stereo as loud as I wanted, listened to what I wanted to hear. Watched the movies I wanted to watch, took hours long baths, walked around with deep-conditioner on my hair, or mud mask on my face. I realized that even tho I was alone, I could come into this board, or into chat and talk with others about my feelings. This was very life-saving for me. I felt loved and cared for by the people I met here.
After a while, husband did come home, and we are taking it day by day. But, I had decided before he even came home, that I had to keep breathing, and living. I exercised, so I would feel better. I shopped and made a special meal just for me (because I had been living on frozen microwave meals only
I made a gratitude list. It was very short at first. Like, I was grateful for air. Period. My list got longer as time went on. It sounds silly, but it does help.
Wish I was there with you, we would go to a park and fly kites, turn up the stereo and dance crazy, dig in the dirt, go to the library and get some videos to watch and some great books to curl up with. I don't have much $$$ either, and what I do have has to really stretch!
Hope you are feeling better soon. You are needed! There are people all around who need you, (not just people who use you up). Just look for them. There are people you don't need to change your boundaries for, either !Maybe take an elderly neighbor a plate of cookies......You will make a difference in someone's life just by being you, and keeping those boundaries in place. You have gifts to offer, that is why HP put you here. Sometimes when I'm lonely, I try to sit and listen to what HP is telling me. Maybe I just need to rest.
Keep posting, and let us know how you are. (((((angelinme)))).
I used to think and feel that I had nothing to do, that the world was "out there" and I was alone as my A was practically living at the bar. When he did come home he went to sleep. Your sentence: I want to be needed - to fill a part in someone's life. reminded me of that time. Finally I came to the realization that I only thought that is what I needed. No matter how much we are a part of someone elses life, or how much we feel needed, the truth is we must find happiness within ourselves and then we don't feel as if we have to be needed to feel whole or worthy.
I used to feel so bad for me that I was alone so much. My frame of mind was that I was married, I had children, bills and a home to maintain. My husband just was not here to help beyond his paycheck. My job was to take care of these things because he is an alcoholic and if I didn't do it no one would.
When I started Alanon steps, I was better able to sort this attitude and see it for what it was. I was sitting on the pity pot at home playing the martyr. I was even somewhat jealous that he had friends at the bar, spent his time laughing and having a good time. I felt totally UN-needed and more like a maid.
Alanon opened my eyes to CHOICE. Who said I had to stay home and make sure everything ran smoothly? Who said I had to sit here alone? I also thought that I needed money to have fun with my friends..but I found out that I was just using that as an excuse to stay in my bubble.
I'd hear Alanon members say how they really like themselves and that how they not only detached from alcoholism but replaced the feelings of "less then" with "I can". I thought it was a bunch of crap..lol They needed to walk in my shoes and say that!!!
I can't say that when I started forcing myself to do things for me,it was really for me, it was more to get back at my husband in the beginning. I purposely would be gone when he came home so he would come home to an empty house, no dinner, no wife.
What actually did happen is that I learned to get a life. I did all kinds of things that didn't cost a lot of money. I started investigating parks in the area that I had never been to. I explored paths not taken and made it an adventure. I sometimes journaled in the park. I went to the library and got Wayne Dyer books. My understanding of spirituality has taken a different path, so I got books about that too. I met with Alanon friends for coffee or a coke. One friend had a son in high school hockey, I went to a few of his games. I took my grandson to the play area in the park and then for ice cream. I went to visit a cousin 3 hrs away that has 20 beautiful acres.. Sometimes I was alone, sometimes not. But you know what? As I spent time with me I found that my happiness didn't really depend on anyone needing me. In fact, now I shy away from needy people.
My happiness had to come from within, no one else could MAKE me happy. I really don't need to feel needed anymore because I am enough and I always have been, I just had to discover it.
love Christy
-- Edited by Christy at 10:46, 2006-04-09
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Angel - Boy do I know how you feel. I live over 300 miles from my family and although I have lived inthis town since 1990 , I don't have many people I would call friends. The ones I have had have moved. It is a strange area where everyone is related some how and I am an outsider. I know everyone, but I just haven't clicked with this community that lives here for generations. Before my recent prolems with my A I was very active in my church and bible studies. We used a book that had us look at something each day in a differnt way. One day we were to hug a tree, lol. So I packed up the kids and drove 20 miles to a park we didn't usually go to and I spent some time with the tree, when the kids weren't looking of course.
The book took me away for some time to concentrate on all the wonderful things my HP has put in front of us each day and we take for granted. Each day the book had something new for me to appreciate, man do I need to dig that book back out and get my butt in gear again.
I am now alone with me and the boys, don't have the stress of an A in the house and need to put that focus and time on me. There are times I wish I had a friends house to drop by. But I am better off spending the time working on me. The better I feel, the better Mom I will be, the better person I will be.
Be happy for friends and their good days, you will find them too. They may not be as interesting of a story, but if you learn to feel good about yourself, you will find more things that interest you and you will more fulfilled. Your eyes will open up to the whole world out there, just waiting for us to explore, a little or no cost, with much higher rewards than spending thousands of dollars.
If I have my choice of going out in this town, I will take a meeting or MIP anyday. I still have a lot of healing and character development to work on.
Keep you head up and in the program and with us. We will get you through this...
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
Hi... First of all, I think pretty much every one of us can relate to that feeling, and it is those feelings of "lonely and unneeded" that keep us sick and stuck at times... My sponsor helped me through a process where I could accept those feelings as what they are - they are how I feel. Then the question, the more rational one, is "what am I gonna do about that?" In our sickness, we often turn back to our A's and other unhealthy people, in an attempt to have them fix these feelings for us... Of course, in almost every circumstance, this ends up in disaster...
The reality is that the solutions to loneliness and unneeded feelings come from within, from our own self-esteem, and from building ourselves up to be both comfortable with ourselves and our circumstances... THis takes a lot of effort, a lot of support, but it can be done, and our program of recovery (Al-Anon) etc., is a wonderful foundation to get that positive move happening... We CAN satisfy those feelings, with supportive people, and good things in our lives... It all boils down to making healthy choices..
Hope that makes sense.
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thank you so much for your precious responses. It helps to know that I am not the only one feeling this. The ideas given do help. Sometimes I just get so bogged down in my loneliness and last night after posting I realized that a big part of my mood was feeling insignificant. That feeling of being unneeded is just part of a feeling of insignificance.
Through your responses, I heard and felt that I am significant to myself. While I surely make a difference to others, I don't always know it. But I can always find a way that I am important to myself.
I am still feeling down but am accepting it and working with it. Each step I take today is in its own time. For example, it was an hour after I got up that I finally had my shower. But it is Sunday, so that is okay. I am doing a load of laundry now so I can go on a motorcycle ride later. I only own one pair of jeans and they needed to be washed. I am hoping that the ride will also help in blowing some of the cobwebs out of my mind. The motorcycle is a new hobby and an economical change in my life giving the continuing rise in gas prices. I love my bike so it is a little something to look forward to that is of little cost.
Another hobby that I am using to get my mind off of obsessing is crochet. I picked it up for about an hour last night and it did help some.
Again, thank you all for sharing your experiences and ideas. I appreciate it so much. You let me know that I am not all alone here.
Oops, sorry I was working on this reply for a bit, came back to post it and see you have responded already. LOL, the story of my life, a tad late as always.
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(((((Angelina))))))
edited again for my silly typos - LOL! -- Edited by tea2 at 16:46, 2006-04-09
