Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

WendyP · Senior Member

Courage to Change / Courage to Be Me.

Lyne · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Wendy. My spouse, a dry drunk, thinks that alanon has ruined me. She resents my attendance and my new friends. She dislikes the way our life is turning out. I can no longer put her needs first for several years now. That's what she really hates, that she has lost control over me. Alanon has also given me the courage to change, and the courage to be me. You can't please everyone, but now I'm going to please myself.

My son and dtr in law, do not speak or interact with my A, going on 2 years now. Thank God I have not lost my granddaughter. I can't imagine how painful this would be. You sound strong and determined. I wish you continued courage to change and to be yourself, Lyne

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey Wendy! Thanks for your honesty and your share. My oldest has 2 children and we've had many issues over the years - including the babies being held 'hostage' from me. My sponsor helped me put together my words so that I could have time with the babies no matter if my son and I were talking or not. It's been an interesting journey - today (which is what I focus on), we are all doing much, much better. I was reflecting this morning that last night, my entire family was together celebrating my other son's birthday last evening and it was a 'success'....please know this does not mean we were all cozy, comfy, laughing, etc. What this means is we ate together, had some conversations, and some awkward moments of silence. The less than 2 hours we were all together felt like 10, and the best part of all - there were no fights - which hasn't happened in more than 10 years.

We've been estrange, we've tried to mend fences - and again, just for today, things are reasonably well - maybe as good as it's been since this disease rose up in one child and the other shortly after. I have a friend who's going through similar with her son/partner/child too. What helped me greatly (and helped my friend) was to build a relationship directly with the partner vs. my offspring. I began seeing my little people by offering to give them a free night each week where they would come and spend the night. It was win/win - they got a break and I got to see the littles. It did fall apart when there was a huge disagreement and again when my son relapsed and moved out but I view my child and his partner as separate people and as separate relationships. I don't talk about my son to his partner and vice versa. I also don't ever offer advice/input unless asked. I also don't ASSume anything (candy, cookies, snacks, etc.), I get approval first. For me, I was willing to strictly adhere to their boundaries to build a relationship with my grandkids.

I don't like how my child talks to his children at times. However, if I get honest, he gets it from me and his father. We were not exactly the poster children for good parenting. We had high expectations, dysfunctional marriage, many fights/arguments over drinking, money, etc. I am more inclined to say, "You sound more and more like me every day." - which plants a seed as he's been very free with his perceptions of me, my parenting, etc. over the years.

I too admire your Courage to say what you mean, mean what you say and not say it mean. Recovery helps us change, grow, heal...I share what I share to give you hope - how things are today may/may not be how they are tomorrow or the next day! We all have a loving HP who has the master plan....and he's not shared mine with me just yet...ha.ha.

Keep coming back - you are not alone!

WendyP · Senior Member

Hi Its Wendy P,

Thank you so much for your sharings, I have to admit, it took me Courage to get back online, and see if anyone answered my Topic, I was so scared that someone would tell me that it was all my fault. I know that I am still trying each day to deal with the Guilt of all of it. As I was told by one of My Daughters that I would be breaking up the Family, and I did. But she wanted me to not make waves, and to just shut up. I couldn't do it. When I was in the relationship with My Son and His Partner, I tried so hard and long to work my Programme, with all of it. Detach, etc, etc,. I could see what I was dealing with and with whom. There was just so many in the Play. I knew that my Son and His Partner, were just waiting for the opportunity to remove me from the Children's lives, they knew how I felt, waiting me for me to say something, or bring it out in the open. I never did. Between both of them, they tried everything to get me to react. I just hung onto My Programme until, I just couldn't do it anymore.

After I challenged them, I got cranky at myself, as I felt that I should have been able to hang on, and that I gave them both exactly what they were looking for. A reason. So they could all blame me. Even though at times, I did try to speak to my Son about things I was being accused of, he wouldn't believe me. The door was shut, so I stopped. It didn't matter what I did, all the Blame was laid at my Door. Over the time, I have tried to reach out to him to try to sort it out. I get nothing. What makes it harder is that they live in the same Town as I do. When I go up Town, I look around to see if I can see my Grand Children, I don't know what I would do if I did see them, burst out crying I suppose. I have seen my Youngest Grand Daughter once, and I was able to give her a wave. But I know that the Parents keep them away from me as much as possible. I pray that that will remember that I still love them, that is my Fear, that they will think that I don't love them anymore.

Before it all broke out, I could see the Direction is was all going, and I was at a School Function for MY Eldest Grand Daughter. All 3 of My Grand Children were with me, I said to them, that if at anytime I can't come to see you at a School Function, or see you, I want you to listen to me, that I will always Love you and will always Be Proud of you. "Now did you hear what I said?" She said she did, So that is what I hang onto, that they will remember the times we were all together, the good times, with fun and Laughter.

Even though it is so really tough to deal with, I am proud of myself, for standing up for what I believe in, especially for Children. Even though it turned out the way it did, those Children were worth all the risk, and the Pain.

Thank You for being there for me, it really means a lot to me.

Love, Wendy P.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Wendy))) - keep coming back - I've missed you!

WendyP · Senior Member

Hi, I Am Here, Just read your reply, and you put a Smile on My Face. you sound so Lovely. I can not say how much reaching out has changed my Life. Having some one like you in my Life, has given me Hope, I don't feel so alone in this Journey. After sharing with you, I have thought a lot about how I feel about what I did, and the fall out of all of it, and I have realised for a long time that I am carrying the guilt of all of it, and I know that I need to forgive myself.

I am the type of person, if I hurt people, I hurt myself. That is why I haven't had the Inner Peace since I did what I did. Underneath, I am punishing myself. But I am aware, and it will take time to get where I want to be. I have shared my Pain with you, but next time I speak to you, I want to share some Joy. I won't today, as I went up Town this morning, and my poor Body is hurting, so I am going to have a rest, and become a Lounge Lizard.

Lovely to speak to you again, and Hope that all is well with you, and Hope you have a Great day.

My Love, WendyP.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

(((WendyP))) - Lounge Lizard is part of self-care ... at least in my program when I need it!!! All is well - you too have a great day, better yet - Make it a great day!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Wendy so glad that you had the 'COURAGE' to share Please do keep coming back

WendyP · Senior Member

Hi Lynne, Just wanted to check in with you and say "Hi". was lovely to meet you. I hope your Day is going well, mine is all over the place. I am going to stop now and start my Day all over again, isn't that great that we know that we can do that at anytime.

Love to You,

Wendy P.

WendyP · Senior Member

Hi I am Here, haven't forgotten about my Good News, will have time to send it tomorrow. Hope you are having a good Day, and thinking about you, in my Prayers, and Heart.

Love Wendy P.

WendyP · Senior Member

Hi I am Here, now I want to share my Good Story, Here Goes, I say it wasn't the Doctor's Hands that delivered me, it was God, as He knew what I was coming into and would need, lots, of Help. I grew up with 3 Brothers, 2 Sisters, I always knew that I was different, from them, In everyway, I didn't look like them, they all seemed to blend, where I never. I couldn't work it out, but I knew there was something. Whenever I went any where, people said to me, "Oh, you don't look like a Brother, or Sister", and I didn't. It was like Water, and Oil. I think I was the Water, very Fair skinned, Irish coloured Hair. That went on until I was a Teenager. I was even treated differently that the others.

It was one Christmas Eve, when some of us were decorating the Christmas Tree, I went out the front to ask Mum if she wanted the Star on top of the tree. They were both Drunk, the first time I had ever seen My Mother drunk, he was, but I never took any notice of him, as I had seen him like that before. I just got the words out, and next thing I knew that he started saying to me that I was a "B....D" that I didn't belong to him, that I was a nothing, a nobody. I felt as he was whipping me. I just recoiled, didn't answer, and just went back inside and finished decorating the Christmas tree.

But after that, on thinking about what he said, in some way, I felt relief, as for so long for what I was feeling was answered. It all made sense. But everytime he came Home with Alcohol in him, where ever I was, he would give it to me, saying all the things,again, throwing it up in my face. As young as I was, I started to feel guilty, as if it was all my fault. I also started to try to prove to him and every one else, that I was loveable, and some one. The first one didn't take long for me to believe that I wasn't guilty, I didn't ask to be born, the second took a lot longer, for me to stop trying to prove to him, that he was wrong. That however, has remained with me. I still have to work on that.

I took the abuse,for along time, until, I think I was about 16, and one night after coping it again, I had had enough, and confronted both of them about it. I wanted the truth, I never got it, he never said anything. When I put it to my Mother, well, I can't repeat what she said. So I lived with that all of my life, not knowing who I was, I had half a story, Family. I knew I had a Family from my Grand Parents side, but not the other. It had such a huge bearing on me, inside. When I had my Children, I would look at them and wonder, how much of My other missing Family did they look like, the same goes for my Grand Children, Great Grand Children. A Total Blank.

During the years, it never left me, was always there, I did get in contact to see if there was anyway, I could find out, but nothing. So I tried to live with it. But I started to see ADs on out TV here about Ancestry DNA, about people finding there Family. I had thought about it, but because of what I had been through before, I was too scared to do it. But last year, my Eldest Daughter knew of how it affected me, and sent away for a Ancestry DNA test for me, when she gave it to me, I told her, that I was too Scared for me to go through with it, I wasn't ready, that I mightn't find out who my real Father was. She went ahead with hers, and when the results came back for her, she shared it with me, I was overwhelmed by what she discovered. Until someone said to me, her being My Eldest,your Father would belong in her results.

So I started thinking about all of it, I felt that I was so close to finding out, who I belonged to, who my Father was. Oh was I scared,I had to do a lot of self talk, but I said to myself, if I just tick one box, then it was going to be worth it. She sent away for one for me, but I told her that I wanted her to be with me, I couldn't do, wouldn't do it by myself. When the kit came back, it was so funny, as I had to spit into this vial, I was so nervous, I couldn't get enough spit to put in it. I had to have a couple of tries. But away it did go. I was on an Emotional roller Coaster, I really can't put into words of how I felt inside. So after awhile, I got a message online to say, my results were back.

Well, here we go, we both looked at them, unbelievable, when you see the results, to see a chart, of where my people came from. Then I had 26 Pages of people who had the same DNA as me. My Family. There was some one who sent me an Email, saying, "Hi,Wendy, we are Family" I couldn't believe all of it. My Daughter told me that because these people were my 2nd Cousins, that was where My Father Family was. We got in touch with them, and to cut a extra long story as short as I can, we got all of the Family, there was only 2 men that could have been my Father. My Daughter, sent away for their War Records, we ruled one out, and looked at the other.

My Daughter, sent away for more details of his War Records, unbeknown to me. One Sunday, she came to see me, and showed me a Photo, and said to me "Mum, here is your Dad". I took one look at it, and burst out crying, as even though it was a Black and While photo, as I could see me. I have the same coloured eyes, Fair Skin. Also,I could see My Daughter,and Son in him. My eldest Grand Daughter, shares his coloured eyes. On reading his War Records, we could tell that he was a really nice man. We could also prove that he was here, at the time. He came from another State but is no longer alive. But I know that I have Twin Brothers and a Sister, and last count 302 Cousins. I am trying to see if I can contact my other Family, but the Family of my Father, don't want to get to know me, which I can accept, I would love it to be different, but not to be.

I will save the best for last, when I found out his name, I just laughed, as I have been called many names in my life, and have never liked the ones that I was given, by other people, I was even thinking about cutting up the Alphabet, and putting them in a Hat, and making up one that I liked. But I really like this one, I am a Darling. That was his name. I always, related to the story of Peter Pan and Wendy, and of course Wendy's name in that, was of course Wendy Darling. So, there, that is my Happy News Story, I never ever, thought that I would find out, who I belonged to, now I do. After 72 years, I can finally say, that I am a Darling, and I ticked the main box.

Love to all,

Wendy P. {Darling}

DavidG · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh, lovely how you found out who you were, Wendy... from the day of birth, even from the day of conception we never do cease trying... smile ...

DavidG · ~*Service Worker*~

Wendy- I think about the hammer-blows. Like hearing about your origins at Christmas time.

This is not nearly so bad. But I had worked for this place for 16 years. And I had worked hard. I was off going on our "trip of a lifetime" to the USA.

And just before I was told to leave they told me they were sacking me. So I had to take that one over the trip. The sacking was around a father-son thing with my employers. And the son saw me as a threat.

And when got back they did sack me. And I won an out of court settlement.

I would love to have a world here there was lots of empathy. biggrin ...

WendyP · Senior Member

Hi David,

Thank you for your Sharing, and must say how wonderful that some one talks about Threats. I know when people have to get rid on me when I become a Threat. I have lost a lot of people and loved one in my life because I became a Threat. Some times I didn't have to do anything, say anything, I just was.

For me to know that there someone else out there who knows exactly what it feels like is good for me. Also, good on you for getting justice for yourself. The journey of that mustn't have been easy for you, but you did it.

Regards Wendy P. smile

DavidG · ~*Service Worker*~

smile Thanks Wendy... after helping lots of others- and trying to mend all the cracks- it is really lovely to see you so a Step 4 and 5 to make amends to yourself!

JM Barrie. Delightful! biggrin ... I love Pinnochio... especially about that Jonah scene- in the belly of the whale!

Hans Christian Anderson- and the story of The Ugly Duckling ring true too! biggrin ... Welcome to my world!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OGlFUxDuowM

WendyP · Senior Member

Hi David, well, they say that when the Pupil is ready, the Teacher appears. I can't thank you enough by what you said about making amends to myself. When I thought about it, a light went off in my head, and I realized that for nearly 5 years, I have been carrying the guilt, and all of the responsibility, when I challenged my Son and His Partner, for how they were treating my 3 Grand Children. It had been so awful, I have felt half alive, for all of that time.

I felt as if others found out what I did, they would think that I am a horrible person. Since coming into Alanon, when I realized that is one of my imperfections, taking all of the responsibility, I have worked hard on keeping it manageable,but this one got me. My mother could even see it, before Alanon, she use to say to others, "Look at Wendy, she has the World on her shoulders." After I came into Alanon, I use to say that I had the Moon, Stars,as well as the Moon, that is why, I am only 5ft 1.

So after looking at things, and getting them in perspective, I have put the whip, away, and said that I am going to accept, 50% of it, not 100% likeI have been doing. So I thank God, for you being my messenger, and of course yourself as well, for being here. You have helped me so much.

Many Thanks,

Wendy P.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Wendy Thank you for sharing your important life story wtih such courage and honesty. You are indeed a brave courageous woman and I am pleased to know you. keep on sharing as this is how we grow and change.
I am so sorry thta you experienced such pain in your life.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene