The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My spirit is so tired of trying hard. Of trying hard not to be angry, trying hard to let go and let consequences fall as they will, trying to pretend to the world that everything is So Great.
Yesterday was so hard. I dragged myself into work and fantasized about telling everyone the truth, "I have an AH. Yesterday was bad. I slept for 3 hrs."
My AH keeps saying that everything "is overwhelming". (Adulting is hard for him.) Well, because it is, I have to take up the slack. He doesn't get that you can't just not do things because you don't feel like it. I tried to tell him that I no longer feel like being in this family, so I would like out. He begged me to stay. But I don't want to. We didn't finish the conversation because my adult work activities required that I show up to work. (Ah doesn't have a real job, so he just went to back to booze sleep.)
It is 2am now. I'm cleaning the kitchen, and then I'm going to get dressed and go to work in my office. Sleeping is not happening tonight, although my spirit is so, so tired.
Hi Fedora, Im sorry you are walking this path, its a hard one but it drives change in us like nothing else can in my own experience.
I would strongly recommend Al Anon meetings because the change I needed was within myself and Alanon gave me tools to begin looking at me and who I was and how the change I wanted and needed had to begin with me.
I learned about unacceptable behaviour and how I kept accepting it and it was effecting my health, my relationships, my view of the world and its people and I was sinking into self pity and resentment.
Lack of sleep was a common occurrence while I was living with active alcoholism and I learned its totally unacceptable in the most basic level. Its like a very basic human right to get enough sleep. For me, I had to insist on a nights sleep and use whatever I could to make sure this was a major priority in my life. There are choices. I learned I could leave the house while my alcoholic was active and it looked like my sleep was going to be compromised. I left and stayed at a friends. I began having very little conversations with a drunk person in the nicest way possible, I would just say, I'm sorry I cant talk about this right now, lets talk tomorrow or Im sorry its almost time for bed and I want to relax and read a little so lets talk another time. Over and over I just said no and meant it.
Listening to the self indulgent rants of an active drinker can be enabling, the disease thrives and progresses under these conditions. Its like setting yourself up for more and more. Its okay to chose not to listen. Its okay to insist the conversation ends and you pick it up at a time that suits you. Its kind and loving to not offer a never ending ear to their misery, it keeps it alive and kicking doing no-one any good.
I recommend you study the leaflet called 'Detachment' and the Merrygoround called denial. Your living with a cunning and baffling disease and the only power you have is to change you and so if you want change then you have to put in the work to get it. Meetings, reading, studying the literature, talking to Alanon members, sponsor and steps. Best of luck to you.
Like el-cee, Ive recently figured out that I dont have to engage in every conversation someone else wants to have. Its ok for me to say nows not a good time, we can talk later. Not only is it ok, but where my AH is concerned, its the healthiest choice for both of us. Trying to talk to him when hes drinking is pointless unless the point is to create more chaos within my own heart while allowing him to wallow in whatever it is hes wallowing in at the moment. It was hard. I was so used to getting pulled into it and it felt foreign to simply refuse to engage. But I did it. There were times that meant that I had to say no to the conversation and then simply walk away while he was still talking. At first hed follow me after Id declined to engage and keep trying to draw me in. But Ive stuck to my guns and hes starting to learn. I cant tell you the amount of peace doing this has brought to me! I realized that every word I spoke, every moment I lent my ear, was just adding fuel to a fire that I really just wanted to put out. Refusing to participate sucked all the oxygen out of the situation and allowed me to go about my day as I saw fit. Im working the program, finding my boundaries, and focusing on what will bring me peace. Hopefully youll start finding some peace too as you grow and learn through the program.
Fedora, I can relate to your exhaustion and stress. My situation is not as grave as yours, but the last couple days have been filled with useless discussion, frustration, and lack of sleep. Im using my alanon tools to help me get through this rough time. I know that this too shall pass, and by staying close to program and program friends, I will regain my sense of well being. Ive found that this program has only worked for me by having daily contact in some way. tonight is my F2F meeting and I know that by just showing up, I will leave in a better frame of mind. I encourage you to surround yourself with as many alanon resources as you can fit in your schedule. Help happens, but we have to do the work. Lyne
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Fedora, I so hear you. I agree with the previous responses and send you prayers and strength and hope. Send it up to your HP......when I am in complete despair, I send it on up and rest my mind for a bit knowing the situation is in better hands than whatever I could possibly do about it on my own.
(((Fedora))) - I too hear you and am sending positive thoughts, energy and prayers your way. This disease is exhausting in every way possible - mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I know today that I had to experience each/every 'life event' to get to the doors of Al-Anon, and then rejected it, and endured more. Once I finally surrendered and admitted I was powerless, my recovery journey began.
Be gentle with you and know you are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Fedora Welcome to the family and thank you for opening this discussion that helps us all. Reading the responses to your post is very supportive even to us who have been in program a while. Al-Anon is progressive recovery as you will experience as you keep coming back. Thanks again. (((((Hugs)))))
Knowing those feelings you were having when writing is progress, expressing them is progress, being responded to and listening is progress. I so agree with what everyone else shared.
Keep on coming, get to f2f, chat or phone-bridge meetings when and if you can. I needed to hear what other people did for self care etc. and boundaries that made them feel like they were capably in charge of their own well being and were not so shaken by the actions or in-actions of the AH. I have seen it happen for them and believe it will for you too.
PS: Phone meeting schedule is found at 712-432-8733 pin # is the word TIMES. The pin number for the actually phone bridge meetings will be 52639
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Wishing all the best on your recovery journey, Luv
