The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been silent for a while and away from this board. Still going to meetings and working with my sponsor, but I'm finding that I've managed to jump off a cliff recently so wanted to come in and absorb and also reason things out.
I was relating to Pinkchip in his post about needing to find the neutral ground between "I am garbage" and "I am perfection". I feel those kind of thoughts are partially how I've landed in the spot that in which currently find myself.
I've been very focused the last few months on living my life fearlessly. The opposite of fear for me is faith. So this is a big exercise in trusting God while I make decisions around my life. I've been jumping on my desires and just going for it. From accepting last-minute invitations, to meeting new people and doing things like learning Spanish and taking salsa lessons.
I had a recent boost in self confidence in the last few months, as well, and I think part of what that was my going through life trusting that God's going to handle things and I'm going to be okay. But what also happened with that boost in self confidence was the emergence of my ego in a huge, huge way. And I didn't recognize it for what it was until I was in free-fall off that cliff, and while plummeting, I'm looking at that ego, saying "you sly bastard."
I've found myself back to step one, because I've been in self-will big-time lately and suddenly deciding I have power over other people - ie: they're behaving the way they are because of something I did. And then shame around the self-will because I "should" know better. I knew I had my Al-Anon tools available but I shoved them aside and tried playing with some self-made tools that are apparently questionable. I've managed to confound my sponsor with my sick behaviors. Keeping secrets (out of shame and self-will), and I've altered a long-standing friendship in a way that has the potential to either be damaged beyond repair, or could possibly turn into something amazing and beautiful because it's going to require some real self-less and heavy-duty work, honesty, and change on my part.
I celebrated 11 years in the program back in January. So maybe this can be a precautionary tale for those who, like pinkchip, sometimes assume that the longer you are in the program the further you're supposed to get away from making mistakes.
Here's the punchline at the end of that joke. We're human. Tada! We WILL mess up. It's just a matter of time.
But that's not to say it's all doom and gloom when that mistake happens. Oh, depending on the mistake, it could be excruciatingly painful, but I do know, at least for me, that God will use this to help me in the long run. I'm seeing also that it's time for me to grow and change some more and usually the best motivation to make a change comes through pain. I wish it didn't have to be that way, but there it is.
So what am I fearful of? Well, when the obsession/ego takes full control of my mind, it tells me that my sponsor's going to be so disappointed in me that she's going to tell me she can't help me anymore and I need to find a new sponsor. This brings FEAR back to the forefront and sometimes when I get fearful I get DEFENSIVE and I find myself or rather my ego getting ready to put boxing gloves on in the form of taking my sponsor's inventory and going on the offensive (yes defensiveness can turn into offensiveness with me.)
My obsession and ego is also telling me I'm going to lose my long-time friend over this, too. Because I didn't reason things out with my sponsor over this. Because I was being selfish and self-serving I encouraged this friend of mine to test the waters with me more intimately. Had I paused before this, and used my tools beforehand - reasoned things out with my sponsor, I might not have gone this route. I may have determined it wasn't a good idea. I may have even been able to have a clear discussion around what held me back from making this change in the relationship with my friend for so many years and come to find out that he's a very insecure person. And his insecurity comes out as emotional blackmail and gas-lighting.
So that's where I am this morning. I have a scheduled call with my sponsor on Sunday. And even doing this confessional here on the board is helping me out. I've done a LOT of writing around this the past couple weeks and was thinking of reading her what I wrote separate from this share here, but this share really summarizes it all and may be the best starting off point for me.
I could use your prayers. It's quite the ride swinging between "OMG I'm going to lose these important people!" to "It's okay, Kelly. God loves you and will take care of you." - and I mean I'm swinging around these emotions constantly all day.
Love you and missed you and still here you are with program that I can relate to. Seems to me that you are still quite NORMAL!! and doing what needs to be done to stay that way. I find similarities with your current condition and to how it is expressed and mine and I know that I am NORMAL also. Off to a meeting now to practice listening listening listening next to my Higher Power and getting clues on how to get better. Stay out of the cold. My daughter and grandson are up there also and ready to come back home to Hilo. Yay! ((((hugs))))
I so applaud your courage! I've heard it said that a life without self-analysis (learning lessons) is not a life worth living. Very few have the courage and some would rather die than change so... go YOU!
(keep in mind... self-analysis is a good thing, but stop short of self-mutilation.)
If your sponsor is sincerely working a program herself, she has never taken you on as a personal project but rather, she is practicing the principles.... including DETACHMENT in all her affairs... detachment from all people, including sponcees.
Nor is she wanting to BE your Higher Power (my sponsor had to tell me that often. "You can thank GOD," she would humbly say.)
So I chime in simply to express my hope that while you are waiting to meet with your sponsor, you might turn over the fear and negative thinking... and begin some nurturing self-care... self-compassion... and self-love. For me, that usually looks like a walk outside, God is so visible in nature.. But whatever the most nurturing thing YOU can do for yourself ... do that.
If you believe nothing in God's world nothing happens by "mistake" then you are actually on the right track at precisely the right time.
-- Edited by 2HP on Friday 1st of March 2019 03:24:15 PM
-- Edited by 2HP on Friday 1st of March 2019 05:49:17 PM
Thank you everyone. I appreciate the outside perspective. I didnt even think about the fact that Im being really hard and unforgiving on myself. An old defect that I thought Id left behind. Perfectionism is a really brutal beast and I can get crushed beneath it very easily.
(((Aloha))) - good to see you again - so glad you stopped by. What I think at times and what I know at times are different. I tend to be my own worst critic at times of uncertainty - that's part of my 'thinking'. What I know, to my core, is I am a kind, loving, tolerant person who would never intentionally cause harm to self or others. Recovery has given me an opportunity to pause and realize that my thinking can be faulty resulting in actions that are 'LTP' - Less Than Perfect. Add to that, what you've discovered - we are designed to be imperfect and voila - we stumble, fall, learn and grow.
I am going to suggest something Jerry says often - reread what you wrote and see what I see....that you are working a solid recovery program, and trying all kinds of new things! Pride in progress led to some return of ego. I see the self-awareness as a much greater positive than the return of some ego. We are human, we are going to act human - what we get by working recovery is Awareness, Acceptance and Action.
Your share is honest, healing and helpful. I do believe nothing happens by mistake and each step I take is part of my journey - even when it's painful, uncomfortable. Embracing my imperfection has not changed me zest for life, or my daily intent to do the next right thing. It has helped me develop better thinking, which includes shades of gray instead of black/white thinking which I arrived with. It is also in recovery that I've gotten better at being gentle with myself - I had to learn to treat myself with the level of respect and empathy I willingly gave to others, and still do - now I just include me too!
Keep doing you, keep trying/doing new things! Know that you are not alone! And - keep coming back....you've been missed!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Good to see you again ((aloha))) and glad you shared and that you feel releasing some of these feelings helped. Fear of abandonment is painful and in relation to Alanon, how some of us are affected by another's disappearance into the disease of alcoholism.
I could use your prayers. It's quite the ride swinging between "OMG I'm going to lose these important people!" to "It's okay, Kelly. God loves you and will take care of you." - and I mean I'm swinging around these emotions constantly
Prayers for Kelly, of course! Your sponsor can really be of help with working toward positive changes that honor you - day to day practices of loving yourself unconditionally as we are taught in this program our hp loves us. With program work and time, the journey from head to heart is shorter. In my experience, the panicky feeling lessened when I began to risk to be vulnerable with another person and my higher power. When I came to realize that I wasn't terminally unique in behaviors, thoughts, actions and feelings. A sponsor that is working a program will mutually share their own experience and display vulnerability as well. In my humble opinion, if one has a sponsor that won't open up to a sponsee as well, a person needs a new sponsor who will is willing to share. Nothing is worse than having a sponsor who listens and suggests a few readings, step questions but offers nothing of themself personally. We all know how to open Paths to Recovery and answer chapter questions. But with that said, when I feared to trust someone new I've trust to trust them with a little at a time to see how it was received.
This is a gentle program that I have complicated at times through my own projections and ruminations. We are never going to run out of people in this world aloha who are willing and able to love us. Just my experience but I've formed more bonds through honestly openness and willingness in communication than I've lost people through it. Expressing myself with courtesy and respect for myself and the other is a good starting point for me.
It is a tiresome and unrealistic expectation that basically throws ME under the bus to try to be likeable, lovable, acceptable to everyone I desire. To reach a point of acceptance that my higher power is loving and caring for me as you stated has been great progress for me. The transition from dependency on other humans for happiness, validation and love to accepting those gifts from my loving hp has with time removed abandonment feelings. We don't have to hold ourselves up to the light of other people to measure our own worth, hide the imperfect people we are nor try to perfect ourselves to keep people in our lives. We're enough in our hp's eyes and that is enough. I think hp continues to care for us by bringing people into our lives for lessons. Some are for the other person. If we stay open, keep communicating there's greater clarity and we progress. People leave because hp wants us to turn the page to the next chapter, we're ready. I also grew to find the courage to let some people go with love. Sometimes I felt they were unhealthy. Other times I didn't feel healthy enough. Both were self care and self love. I hope something here was of help to you. This is simply a piece of personal experience. Take what you liked if anything and leave the rest. Wishing you the best as you discover what works best for you with the help of our program. ((hugs)) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Saturday 2nd of March 2019 10:44:53 AM
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Everyone above gave you wonderful ESH. I don't have much to add except I agree with your analysis that Perfection and the Ego are absolute beasts!
Personally, I read your post as you feeling regretful and almost beating yourself up, while I saw huge growth... both personal and program. IMHO, you posting this here, for all of us to see, is HUGE.
Peace to you,
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
"I could use your prayers. It's quite the ride swinging between "OMG I'm going to lose these important people!" to "It's okay, Kelly. God loves you and will take care of you." - and I mean I'm swinging around these emotions constantly all day."
So how are you seeing it and feeling it now sister? I'm glad you brought it home to family. (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by JerryF on Saturday 2nd of March 2019 09:45:02 PM
The program has a slogan...Keep it simple...and I can lean into my program, and do one thing at a time. I can focus on me and do the next right thing in front of me...the next immediate, called upon action, the next thing in front of me.
All the best.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
(((Aloha))) I thought of YOU and smiled while reading my meditation page this morning. (Take what you like and leave the rest)
"Think of Me. Look at Me often and unconsciously you will grow like Me.
You may never see it. The nearer you get to Me, the more will you see your unlikeness to Me. So be comforted.
Your very deep sense of failure is a sure sign that you are growing nearer to Me
Remember too, it is only struggle that hurts. In sloth (spiritual, mental or physical) there is no sense of failure or discomfort. But with action, with effort, you are conscious NOT of strength but of weakness -- at least, at first.
That again is a sign of Life, of spiritual growth.
And remember, My strength is made perfect in weakness.
Praise for your willingness! Stay strong!
-- Edited by 2HP on Monday 4th of March 2019 09:22:02 AM
Thank you all so much for your support. Again, it was helpful to come back and read your thoughtful responses and realize that I was being incredibly hard on myself. I sincerely appreciated your outside perspective on that.
Part of my disease is I get real tunnel-vision and can only see my perceived problems in exaggerated scale and then turn them into huge catastrophes. That's that ego, again. Or my spiritual disease.
You are right - a great sponsor doesn't judge. They listen and they guide and they relate. And that's just what my sponsor did for me when we spoke Sunday. I read her what I wrote here since it summarized all that was going on for me. She was moved to tears herself and thanked and congratulated me on my honesty. Then she punctured a huge hole in my ego's fearful premonition that I'd caused her so much frustration that she'd tell me she can't work with me anymore - she instead told me she loves me and she's not going anywhere. I mean gosh - after 11 years - that's how sick my thinking became. That someone who's worked the steps with me and loved and accepted me through all that time would just say "see ya" after a mistake.
We chatted for a while, and it really did come down to my feeling pretty floored and flabbergasted by this fear, because I will say with sincere honesty that I've been continually improving my conscious contact with God and growing closer and closer and putting more and more into God's hands - especially in these last few months. I can't live my life fearlessly if I'm not willing to have faith. So this fear and self-will and shame I had crop up in the middle of all of this really confused me.
While my sponsor and I spoke, I had an inspired thought that what I need to do is sit down and write a letter to God and talk about my fears and my confusion. I think that will at least be a starting point for me to getting to the bottom of my recent behaviors.
I know I could just summarize it all into: "I've been affected by the disease of alcoholism." But I want to understand more how that makes me tick. I still continually find myself confused as to why I'm drawn to partners who are insecure. And that insecurity has ranged from guys who constantly complain about feeling like they're not enough to being with completely narcissistic men (narcissism just masks insecurity.) I know my mother has been the closest alcoholic in my life. Though she's been sober the majority of my life (since I was 2) she's always been insecure. She's what's familiar to me so I gravitate towards what is familiar, even if I generally feel repelled by that behavior at the same time.
I also had another realization that I found helpful where my friend is concerned. Insecurity=fear. When I vocalized it to myself "He's just scared." that took so much fear out of ME. I could instead have empathy for him knowing deep down he's just as scared as me. And now I get to approach the situation with a new pair of glasses - with compassion for both of us and then remembering once again that God's got this. God's got him, God's got me. We're both going to be okay.
So, thank you again so much. I absolutely love my face-to-face meetings, but the special thing about here is that I really get to take time to write out what I'm thinking and let it sink in. This feels like another form of journaling for me, to be honest, and it is incredibly helpful. And then to know that those reading this and sharing their ESH can relate and are safe people with whom to communicate. That's gold. You are all such a blessing to me. Thank you.
Aloha the realization about the blessing(s) here are mutual. Your response is powerful and I agree with what you feel and see. Mahalo for expressing your ESH...((((hugs))))
"So, thank you again so much. I absolutely love my face-to-face meetings, but the special thing about here is that I really get to take time to write out what I'm thinking and let it sink in. This feels like another form of journaling for me, to be honest, and it is incredibly helpful. And then to know that those reading this and sharing their ESH can relate and are safe people with whom to communicate. That's gold. You are all such a blessing to me. Thank you."
Aloha, I highlighted this part of your post b/c I couldn't agree more!! In my F2F meetings, there is no cross-talk... which serves it purpose. But here I can not only take the time to write out exactly what I am feeling, but I can come back to it and look at it with "new" eyes. Then add to that, others that have walked this path adding their ESH to it. It is indeed gold!
Blessings to you along your journey... you are doing it, and it it looking good on you!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
But with that said, when I feared to trust someone new I've trust to trust them with a little at a time to see how it was received.