The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
"Fear of intimacy is at the heart of codependency. We have a fear of intimacy because we have a fear of abandonment, betrayal, and rejection. We have a these fears because we were wounded in early childhood - we experienced feeling emotionally abandoned, rejected, and betrayed by our parents because they were wounded. They did not have healthy relationship with self - they were codependents who abandoned and betrayed themselves - and their behavior caused us to feel unworthy and unlovable."
"As children we were incapable of seeing ourselves as separate from our families - of knowing we had worth as individuals apart from our families. The reality we grew up in was the only reality that we knew. We thought our parents behavior reflected our worth - the same way that our codependent parents thought our behavior was a factor in rather they had worth."
"The simplest and most understandable way I have ever heard intimacy described is by breaking the word down: in to me see. That is what intimacy is about - allowing another person to see into us, sharing who we are with another person.
Sharing who we are is a problem for codependents because at the core of our relationship with ourselves is the feeling that we are somehow defective, unlovable and unworthy - because of our childhood emotional trauma. Codependency is rooted in our ego programming from early childhood. That programming is a defense that the ego adapted to help us survive. It is based upon the feeling that we are shameful, that we are defective, unworthy, and unlovable. Our codependent defense system is an attempt to protect us from being rejected, betrayed, and abandoned because of our unworthy, shameful being.
We have a fear of intimacy because we were wounded, emotionally traumatized, in early childhood - felt rejected and abandoned - and then grew up in emotional dishonest societies that did not provide tools for healing, or healthy role models to teach us how to overcome that fear. Our wounding in early childhood caused us to feel that something was wrong with our being - toxic shame - and our societal and parental role models taught us to keep up appearances, to hide our shamefulness from others."
"As long as we are reacting unconsciously to our childhood emotional wounds and intellectual programming, we keep repeating the patterns. We keep getting involved with unavailable people. We keep setting ourselves up to be abandoned, betrayed and rejected. We keep looking for love in all the wrong places, in all the wrong faces. Is it any wonder we have a fear of intimacy?" by Robert Burney
I wrote in a post that sometimes I feel like the word “Reject” was printed on my forehead, but I was the only one who could not see it. Really now, who gets rejected by their own family?
In your post you said, "...we experienced feeling emotionally abandoned, rejected, and betrayed by our parents because they were wounded."
It is powerful to know that just because I felt rejected, abandoned, and unworthy of love does not make it true. I battle with this all the time. Because I felt rejected by my family, I thought everyone would do the same. Therefore, I keep “repeating the patterns.” I repeat this “come close, no stay away” message all the time. My favorite thing to do is to get real close to people and then run away when problems arises – I can’t take the chance that they may reject me, so I reject them.
You also said that, “We keep getting involved with unavailable people. We keep setting ourselves up to be abandoned, betrayed and rejected.” I can see me doing this, but can’t stop doing it. They say that awareness is part of the battle.
It is nice to know that my family didn’t reject me because I was bad or unlovable. It is also nice to know that my A doesn’t reject for the same reasons. The people in my life do not “have healthy relationship with self - they were codependents who abandoned and betrayed themselves - and their behavior caused us to feel unworthy and unlovable…and then grew up in emotional dishonest societies that did not provide tools for healing, or healthy role models to teach us how to overcome that fear.”
