The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't know where to start, here. I haven't been here for awhile, but my local face2face meeting has closed and I can't get to meetings in another town. It's just too far to drive.
My son is struggling. I think maybe with a bit of depression, or just being overwhelmed by being 18 and having to become an adult. He has become moody, angry, stubborn, etc. This is not really new, but it is more pronounced than in the past. He seems to want to sit on his butt and do nothing all day besides chat with friends and watch videos, or listen to music. He won't do anything to help out around. I have to constantly nag him to do tiny chores, and he refuses to do most of the school work he has agreed to do instead of looking for a job, this year. He won't study for his drivers licence test, so he can't go look for a job. We live in the woods an hour from town, so walking in winter is not really an option.
Honestly, he is living in fear of life and I am at a loss as to what to do. I don't want to fight with him, but he makes everything a challenge. Our house is very small and we do not really have separate bedrooms, just furniture to separate spaces, and he will sit in here chatting on the internet and not go out to his cabin to bed until all hours of the night. I started turning off the internet at night, but he makes it a challenge every night. I need to get a timer so I can set it an not fight about it.(off at 10pm, on at 7 am, or something like that)
I am trying hard to be kind and understanding. He has some issues, like we all do. He spent too much time when he was little with my husband who was an active addict. Being left in the car by himself at drug houses, etc. These things are coming up for him and paralyzing him.
I could really use some esh and encouragement right now. Thanks for listening.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
(((Jen))) - I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. I know that it just really taxes my brain and my heart when my children are struggling/hurting. We've had some challenges similar and my experience here is that when mine are depressed or active in using, they have no use for me, my words, my experience, my requests, etc. I am not sure how or why, but it feels as if I am viewed as the enemy.
What my sponsor has had me do is to sit and journal why it's really, really affecting my life and recovery. We drill down to find what it is about me that thinks I have any control over what they are/are not doing. For me, each time, it comes back to fear. Society suggests that we (parents) are to keep them alive to adulthood, and teach them how to survive in the real world. Of course, this is super simplified, but these are the 2 primary goals. We hope they learn compassion, kindness, honesty, etc. along the way....
I did set rules for mine when they turned 18. They did have to work or go to school, much like you've got. If they failed school, dropped out or opted out, they did have to work. This was not optional as they had to pay for their own mobile phone, car insurance, gas, spending money and some rent. I set these up well before 18 so they could make informed choices.
It took me a while to find the words to speak my story to my boys. At the end of the day, it really wasn't about them, it was about me. I was full of fear that I would leave this earth and they would not be self-sufficient. They both have mental health and addiction issues, so it was fair for me to say something like, "I am your mother and love you unconditionally. I am worried about you, your health and your future. I am sorry for pushing you towards life skills and responsibilities, but I want to be sure that when you leave here, you are ready and when I leave this Earth, you are able."
It was true, simple, heart-felt and full of I statements. I remind them both when they get snippy, moody, etc. that, "I am not the enemy." I have also quietly said, "I did not raise you this way." on several occasions.
Use your program as best you can and sponsor to feel your feelings, find your facts and speak your truth. My fear often came across as frustration or anger, so I really had to retool myself and make amends for that. Take what you like and leave the rest! (((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hello Jen I am so sorry that your are facing this painful challenge. I have faced something similar with my son and it does pass . Remember we are powerless over others and trust HP Sending prayers and positive thoughts your way
Jen, I'm in a similar boat but my son is very agreeable and helps out around the house without being asked, etc. He does drive and works part time teaching tennis. He makes enough to pay for his gas, fix his car, pay for his copay for counseling and doctor visits, and buys his own groceries. But, other than that, I find that he is directionless and frozen with anxiety. He just turned 20. I am debating over what kinds of 'pushing' I need to do to get him to take steps towards independence. His anxiety had been so bad and he was quite depressed for much of the fall that I constantly waffled over whether I would push him over the edge or if my saying anything was making a difference. He would nod along like he heard me but there was never any follow through so I learned to just love him where he's at right now before I decide what the next step may be.
My exah really isn't any help and I think he feeds the problem because he's unemployed and my son can hide at his house. They both sit around and do nothing. Unfortunately, I can't control my son nor my ex. I work hard, I expect him to pitch in around here and he does, and I try my best to pray before I speak because sometimes I'm losing patience and I'm ready to have him move out and then other times I'm truly grateful he's around. I blame my hormones, lol.
Know you are not alone. Hang in there and just take small steps towards helping him find his independence. Maybe set some consequences for him to get his license. Although, there are plenty of jobs he could do ( like taking surveys, etc) online from home. My son was lucky because his dad gave him a car and it's been running great for the past 3 years that he's been driving. The only thing I helped pay for was new tires last year and my ex paid for new brakes. My son pays for oil changes, small repairs, and keeps it running by getting the tires rotated, etc. He's actually very responsible.......he's just directionless and frozen by anxiety a lot of the time. I keep reminding myself that 'this too shall pass.' Sometimes it's the only thing keeping me sane.
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Thank you all so much for the support and ESH. I am doing better today. Still not sure what to do about the job, school, etc, but I have started to stand up to the nasty attitude. I do not deserve to be constantly anxious about his attitude in my own home. He can be civil, or he can go spend more of his time in his cabin by himself. And I will not repeat myself or wring my hands about it. I am done worrying about how he will react to anything I say. That is his business, not mine. No more guilt trips, and poor me's. I will try to stay calm and not react. I cannot force him to be happy, but I don't have to let him drag me down in his funk with him.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
(((Jen))) - sounds like a great program effort and boundary to me! So glad to hear that you are feeling a bit better. I too am sending more positive energy, thoughts and prayers your way...
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
