The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's been a few weeks since I updated. There have been so many positives changes. I've been seeing a therapist, and we gave our first couples therapy session a try just last night.
I learned something vital. You cannot be a true team if you and your partner are not completely open, honest, and compassionate with one another. Although it really was so painful for me to learn what he did by cheating on me, I wouldn't have it any other way. I am glad to know. I feel that I was dating a version of my partner; not the true person. I understand the shame, but to make a decision to lie to me for so long, takes away my own individual rights in the relationship. I should be allowed to make a decision whether I want to be with that person or not. It is painful, but I deserve the truth!! Everyone deserves the truth! It allows us to grow!! Infidelity is so common, and how can we grow as people, if we don't talk about it.
Keeping secrets (specifically hiding affairs)... I think is reprehensible, and it is certainly not healthy for either person. For 5 years, he gave me a version of himself that wasn't honest and it wasn't who he really is. Outright lying about whether he has cheated in the past... Lying to avoid the topic at all so I wouldn't have suspicions. If I'm going to give my life to someone, then I expect the full person. I give myself fully, and I expect the same. I want a true team. We are on the same side, and we see the world together. We support each other; we build each other up when one of us feels low. I want to have a healthy marriage. I want to have a healthy family.
My individual therapy has been going wonderfully. I was lucky to find someone who I am really getting along with and someone who helps me. She cares about our relationship, and is supportive. She tells me that I am so strong for trying to make this work and willing to learn why this happened and face my pain. She is a positive influence for sure.
Our first couples therapy session was not good. I didn't like our therapist at all, and neither did my partner. She was insensitive to my partner, she made very reactive faces, she had a lot of entrapping and leading questions, and she dived into some really traumatic events in my partners life. On the first day!! She also made assumptions about him. She said, "You are on recreational drugs. Which ones?" There were no open-questions. All on the first day. I know how a first session should be, and she did not feel like the right fit at all. I felt like she was doing more damage. Mainly I am concerned as to how this effects my partner, because he has had such significant trauma in his past, and I definitely don't want it to get worse. I want him to heal in the best way possible too. Truly. These first few months here are critical for growth, and he nor I deserve the opposite. So I called him once I got home last night and let him know how I felt about her, and fortunately, he agreed with me. When he filled out the intake form, he couldn't even write that he had an affair. Then she was very pushy. Her insensitivity to him is really what made him decide that she isn't the right for us.
So now I'm looking for someone different who will be a better fit. It can be frustrating just getting this ball rolling and finding the right couples therapist, but I have faith. Every day gets better. I am doing pretty well considering. Some really hard days in the past, but honestly, I feel closer to him than ever. I feel like I'm really getting to know the real man who I've been with, and that is all I've ever wanted. Honesty, compassion, openness, willingness to learn.
Gloves, what a wonderful update. I see you working so hard on your recovery. I think it takes a lot of courage to "fire" a therapist that is not right for you -- courage to change -- and so cool that you and partner both agree on this. Thank you for sharing your progress with us!
Hey there (((gloves))) - great to see you. Love your new avatar photo! I too really appreciate your update and your honest share. How cool that your first therapist for self was a great fit - that's awesome. I also find it great that you and your guy both think the other therapist is not a good fit. Unity in finding support as a couple will help you find the right person, of that I have faith!
We struggled to find a family therapist and we were not aligned. It was like herding cats and not a successful experience. It did not surprise me as I was the only one of four that really had an interest in working on our issues. My AH and A sons preferred the status quo, especially before I got to Al-Anon. As I began to work on my sanity, serenity, self, they realized a new normal. The all rebelled in different ways but got to acceptance in their own time frame and their own way.
I applaud you for staying committed to your relationship. It's not always easy but when we consider One Day at a Time, it does seems to make more 'things' possible. Keep coming back - recovery looks good on you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I am happy for you that you have the foresight to realize that this couples therapist is not a good fit. That sounds like a terrible first session. Glad you are both on the same page and can look for someone more patient, kind, and detached. That is what I look for in a good counselor, not someone who will practically go on the attack of one partner. I had one of those once, and it turned my ex-fiance completely off of therapy. He would not go back. It was sad. I am glad your partner is willing to give this another go to find a good fit.
Keep coming back.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
So glad to hear that youre both on the same page. Finding a good fit is critical. It can be tough but its worth it to keep looking for the right person to help you both sort things out in an open and loving way.
