The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had a parent from the school call me to talk to me about how her daughter was upset by my daughter's name calling. My first reaction was to do whatever I could to improve my daughter's behaviour (they are both six) and to protect her daughter from further upset. My daughter is quite full on and, I believe, both our girls are 'alpha girls'.
I quickly felt a feeling that I didn't like and I sat on it at first. I am now realising that it is the feeling I had when I was romantically rejected and also of when my mother was drinking in my childhood home. I found myself remembering the time that my school friends said 'we don't want you to be our friend' and I recognise the feeling as deep rejection and hurt.
I have been amazed at how deep and strong this feeling is and also amazed at my primal feelings of wanting to tell the other mum where to go. That said, I do understand the primitive nature of the mamma bear! We have been to eachothers houses etc but I wouldn't describe us as especially friendly which is ok. For now I am keeping distance, doing my research about friendships and conflict and also talking to my girls about name-calling etc. I will be seeing a parenting counsellor this week and will talk to the girls' school teacher later in the week or next week (as agreed with the other mum).
Since I first met this mum about 18 months ago I have, on a few occasions, felt that we inhabit different worlds: she once described to me that she had a very serious eating disorder; at a later point I told her that I go to AlAnon and she actually named a person from my group; I notice that there is often much attention paid to the emotionally bad days of her children. This is all ok and I'm happy to live separate lives etc although we have a couple of shared mum/child friends which I am worried that I will loose. After school today a couple of them headed off to this mum's house and as we were left there I could almost feel the tumbleweed roll past.
Today I feel like we are the second class citizens. I'm very amazed to feel like this and it has caught me by surprise. I feel alone and rejected. Is that a deep unconscious or subconscious thing? It is up to me to learn to find comfort in something that will support my family. My husband is away at the moment so I can see that we might be a bit more vulnerable in some ways. thank you for listening. I'm not sure that this mum has the best grasp on her own daughters part in this but I do know that she is calling the shots at the moment. So I want to work on me taking back a bit of what I've lost. Thanks for listening. X
(((FF))) - I am sorry that you're struggling with this situation. All I can offer is that Al-Anon suggests I look at self and my motives and my part. Before I came to recovery, I had a ton of black/white thinking - right/wrong, fault/fault-free, etc. Al-Anon gave me the tools to learn and accept that not every situation is clear cut and what I can control is me and how I respond to 'life'.
Many of us arrive at recovery with distorted thinking and low self-esteem. This was true for me. My sponsor was a 'golden gift' in showing me that I took much too much personally. I also tended to beat myself up when 'life' happened as I still thought I had some power to control things. In order for me to honestly see my part, I did have to work this program and the steps so I could find 'facts' instead of projections, perceptions and distorted views.
You are not a second class citizen, and neither are your kids! Raising children has been the hardest thing I ever did, and from the outside looking in, most would say I am a complete failure. I have 2 kids, and they are both addicts/alcoholics. I wore this 'hat' for a long while, and really had to take it off and burn it. I had to surround myself with like-mined people who understood how this disease affects us, and how we are are also sick - mentally, spiritually, emotionally, etc. For me, I could not get well until I accepted I was affected/sick.
I encourage you to take a break from 'this' long enough to consider a gratitude list and an asset list. Be gentle with yourself - I see some blame for other actions. See if you can just identify the facts, determine actions necessary and let go of the rest. Remember that we really are powerless over other people, places and things. Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you. I am always amazed that you find such eloquence in your replies. Such wisdom and experience - I am very grateful that you reply with these insights. I have read your sharing carefully and I am finding a great deal in it.
I am meeting with this mum and the class teacher in the morning so I am being very careful to take a step back, to listen as much as possible and be mindful of my 'motives and my part'. My instinct is saying not to speak up, as it were, for now and to just deal with the facts that have been presented.
I have also done what you suggested and made a gratitude and asset list - I found this calming! Thank you so much again.
(((FF))) - one more thought - I was told to put a Q-Tip in my pocket in early recovery. It was to be a reminder to not take things personally. It was very helpful and still to this day, I do it when I am headed to a family function. It still helps just as much.
In situations like this, I felt inferior/insecure often. I also had this (distorted) idea that I needed to have answers on the spot or others would see me as weak, dumb, slow, etc. Recovery has taught me that it's perfectly fine to pause, and even ask for some time to ponder other ideas/solutions. Knowing these strategies helps me stay calmer in uncomfortable settings.
You got this! We all want to raise our children well and protect them. Consider what we say in meetings - take what you like and leave the rest!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I most certainly can feel vulnerable in certain situations. What you are describing is both a present and past situation. In other words you were triggered. I have heard descriptions of being triggered as 90/10 That is 90% of it is from the past and 10% of it is in the present Of course some of the other parties in this incident most certainly sound like they are triggered as well.
Sorting out what is what is pretty uphill but in the sorting out we gain knowledge, self esteem and feel far more confident as a result.
Boundaries are the work of childhood. How fortunate your children are that you know that there is work ahead and are willing to work on then They are truly blessed to be able to work on those issues. Many adults never get to do that
For me personally these days I tend to share less about the issues I have from my childhood in a general way They are not something I blurt out to others. At one time when I was consumed with then I tended to overshare those issues. Now I am rather more contained
Al anon is a great vehicle for learning boundaries. Learning how to detach not take things personally and to take care of ourselves One of the core issues I did not get in my childhood was to be on my own side One thing you can do for yourself despite the pressure you are under is to be on your side Take care of yourself rest, do meditation. Share in safe places. Be kind to yourself Take time to regroup and give yourself space.
The other of course us to model a less reactive way of being to your child Boundaries are so difficult for those of us who grew up in dysfunctional families We retreat, we defend, we get super sensitive Detaching is such a powerful tool to get outside of that compulsive reactiveness. No one is perfect and detaching takes a lot of practice
Life brings all of is challenges every day WIth good self esteem you can look at this incident as something dropping into a pool of water when you have a big pool the ripples are containable
Today I had an incident happen that in the past I would have considered a disaster in the past. By working on myself that incident is containable today I no longer veer from one disaster to another as I once did. That doesn't mean I dont have disasters I certainly do Al anon is a big part of that for me.
