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Just sitting here needing to vent a little, so I thought what better place.....lol. Today I have made some decisions and have been doing so much soul searching lately. How did I get myself so lost in this crazy wolrd of addiction. It sucks the life right out of everyone it touches. There has to be a day when we just get off of the merry-go-round. Enough has to be enough.
I live in a small town so everyone knows all....My husband and I have always been avtive, respectable members of the community.
So I am starting to be embarrassed. So there for my kids are starting to feel the same way. I must reach inside myself find the strength and take the actions of my own life. I must admit that aspect is looking brighter every day.
I use to worry about financially how would we get buy. When I think of the expenses of me and the kids, heck we could get buy just fine.
Life will take a few turns but they will be ok, they will be peaceful. I have to find the strength inside of me to make the move.
Everytime I try and get a little stach I have to use it for a bill because of what he blew. Threre must be an ending to this madness.
The good thing for me is that I am going out again, I am living. And now my eyes are wide open. I can see everything so clearly. It's just getting there.As much as I wish for my hub to get clean and sober it doesn't look like he wishes it for himself and that is all his. He can own that alone.
Anyway just needed to vent a little....Thank you all for the support and strength.
Hello, Andrea, It sounds as if you are looking at your life in a different way. That is powerful, and also very scary. The best thing I know to say to you is to take care of yourself. Go to face to face meetings, get a sponsor who can help you work the steps and can be a real source of strength for you as you discern your next moves in your life. Take it one step at a time, one day at a time, on moment at a time. We are all glad you are here. Stay in touch! And pray to that HP! Blessings, mebjk
I remember sitting at a really nice company dinner, I'd been going to alanon for a while and was actually enjoying myself. (I had quit going to those things because of the A, I couldn't stand the embarassment) I'd found my balance until he announced to the table in very colorful language his opinion of someone else, augh, I thought I'd choke on my food. My first reaction was to say his name like I can't believe you. But I got it together enough to remember that he is only embarassing himself, then HP had me notice the desert table LOL, I got up, smiled and left him to do his own thing. That night I got so many compliments on how I looked -- but the best one was when someone asked me if I had a "program" -- if they only knew I believe that it had nothing to do with how I looked but how I carried myself, with dignity and without shame. I was able to enjoy myself without feeling like I had to hide because of him.
I guess what I'm getting at is that I know the anxiety of being embarassed, or waiting for it to come. The fact is that their actions are theirs to deal with. Hold your head high, he's your husband, but you are not his keeper or responsible for what he does. I found that I could have respect from people, even if my A didn't. He isn't a reflection of me, nor I him.
It is hard on the children and I only wish I had words that could help with their pain. But, they too can learn to hold their heads up, be strong in who they are.
You go girl! Yes this is a crazy merry go round. I love my A very much, but there are days when I want to get off the ride. I'm a dizzy old woman as it is, don't need any extra in my life lol!
Glad you are being good to yourself. You such a strong woman, and I am very proud to know you and call you friend. I have learned a great deal from you.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn and Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
You and your family continue to be in my prayers. Good to get an update on the message board. I seem to keep missing you in chat. I wish I had an answer of how we get sucked into this craziness of addiction.....but I don't think there is an answer.....as my hubby says, "it is what it is". I also understand about living in a small community and people hearing things or knowing things. I'm at a point where all my pride is gone.....I know who cares and is supporting us and that is all that matters. It is probably harder on my kids, but they aren't hanging their heads. They too know who their true friends are,and we know that God has seen us through this ordeal so far and will continue to see us through.
I wish I could reach out and give you a big hug! Maybe someday..... Take care of yourself and be confident of my prayers. May God Bless.....
Love,
mel
P.S. my son is in a Teen Challenge program in Oregon...been there almost 2 weeks. We can talk to him next week and see him on Easter. Reports are he is making progress. We are so thankful!
I know you will decide what is best for you and the children. Let God/ HP guide you as you make any decisions. ....as you process these changes you are experiencing. Such growth, such progress. Love to You! ((((ANDREA)))
Andrea I live in a very small town and I truly know how hard it is to live in the goldfish bowl. My boys are 17 and 20 and have had to grow up with the embarrassment of their father drinking heavily, acting like a complete d. head and losing his licence. Often because it is a small town they will know his actions before I do. I have had people come up to me and say Oh so you have to the driving now do you? If those people truly cared about my feelings they would not direct that question in the first place. The other day a friend of my husband's asked me if my A had got his licence back that day. I said I didn't know I hadn't asked him. Truth was I was so detached from it all that I didn't know he was going for it and didn't care. If I had my time over I think I would have been open with my kids from a much younger age. I am now at the point that I can have great communication with them about it but I regret the lost years where they could have been given the understanding of the disease. Of course I didn't realize it myself until I came here last September. Everything is great in hindsight. Anyway hang in there Andrea and keep up the great work. You will get the strength to stand up to the small town gossips. While they are talking about you they are leaving someone else alone lol. Keep the focus on you and enjoy your kids. Luv Leo xx
Andrea I see such detachment and compassion in you and so little of the frustration and overwhelm you used to be on. I do not know when it is time to get off the merry go round either and also find myself having to pay bills I should not have to. I do not understand the A his thinking, his plans, his total self centeredness. At the same time he really had me fooled and puts on a phenomenal act to others at times. I know that now it was all an act in the beginning he was just wanting to ensnare me and then to become the real addict he always was. He hides things very very well. The odd thing is when I ask nothing I learn more. I just merely have to observe.
I do think there is a graceful, less traumatic, less melodramatic exit to the merry go round and I think you are on it. The fact you can enjoy life while the A stumbles is indeed phenomenal.
I believe that it had nothing to do with how I looked but how I carried myself, with dignity and without shame. I was able to enjoy myself without feeling like I had to hide because of him. 
Take care of yourself and be confident of my prayers. May God Bless.....
((((ANDREA)))