The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been doing so much thinking lately. I have been reevaluating my life and my marriage. I have had more time to think, as I have had to rest more after I ran myself into the ground. Now that I am better, the Doctor has me on rest and extra vitamins to build me back up.
I had to deal with the guilt of resting. It is something I am not used to,napping in the afternoon and going to bed earlier is a concept I always considered lazy (for me). I got over the guilt quickly, doing things wipes me out these days. Just washing a floor means I need to lay down for a half hour. I feel stronger every day adn keep having to remind myself it takes time to get back on my feet and if I push it, I will end up sick again.
A year ago, the school system gave me the "Parent of the Year" award. They described me saying that this mother of six has endless energy and likened me to the "energizer bunny". Well the energizer bunny's batteries died. I hate feeling so tired, I keep feeling that my body betrayed me, when in reality, by not taking care of myself, I betrayed my body.
I keep thinking about my life. I love my children, but I have begun to realize that raising 6 children is a lot of work, and raising 6 children alone and working full time is almost impossible. I'm not supermom and cannot do it all alone. My job increased my income, but that is because I took on more hours. Now they are talking about summer work. Last year I worked 7 days a week. I know I can't do that again this year, it was too much.
The kids are very helpful, but they are kids, they have responsibilities here, but they also have lives of their own, and thay deserve that.
I look around my house. It is neat and some would say clean, I know it could be a lot cleaner. I prefer it a certain way, but I admitt that for now it has to wait, I have to settle for the way it is. Before I got pregnant with our 4th child, my husband had said we would have a cleaning service come in once a week to help me, we had also decided I would only work part time. Well the cleaning service didn't happen, and I work full time plus, since he kept getting fired and now seems not to care if he works or not. Only now we have six children.
I'm not sure how I am going to do it, but I know I need to make my life more manageable. I cannot keep adding additional hours, in fact, it is time to cut back. I look at the spring being here and yard work needs to be done, my daughters work, and my oldest son will be trveling with teh college tennis team. The little ones are too young, so it leaves me, or I can hire someone to take care of the yard.
I have my daughters softball games, my little guys play little league, my son has a few tennis matches that are close enough to go to, and Joey plays tennis for the Highschool. Watching them play is a part of being a Mom I love and will not give up.
So I need to cut back on my hours which will cut back on my pay, and I want to hire someone to help here. Less income more spending. Funny, I don't feel guilty about it. It is not something I just want, it is what I need, and deserve.
I have not spoken to my husband in well over a month. I did take someones advice and drop him a quick note letting him know that I was ill, have been taking care of myself, do not want to fight and will not deal with things right now unitl I am back on my feet. I don't think he ever read the note, he still asks the kids nightly to put me on the phone, and has never enquired about my health. But I made sure it got to him, so I did my part, if he chose not to read it, I can't help that. I think it is time that I speak to him. I don't want to discuss our marriage right now. I think I need to speak to him on a practical level. I need to let him know that I will not and cannot continue to work these hours and I will not be taking everything on myslef any longer. He needs to know that I wil be scaling back my income and increasing my spending. This has to happen and he is expected to pick up the slack. I don't really care how. He can get one job or five, that is his business. I am no longer willing to put my health and sanity in jeapardy so he can lay on his butt over at his Mothers and feed of my hard work at our childrens expense. I will not set myslef up, by asking him to help with the yardwork or the housework, I know he will not, he has shown me that and I end up doing dumb things like mowing the yard in the dark by flashlight. I will not allow my children to take on yet more responsibility robbing them of theri teen years and a social life so he can have one, and no responsibility. I have to tell him that he will either find a way to do this voluntarily or I will have to involve the courts and maybe they will force him to work. I accept that I cannot do anything about his drinking, I accept that I cannot make him responsible, but the courts do have some authority and the alternative will be jail or Mommy paying his expenses. How it gets paid is not my problem. He is 44 years old and his only responsibility legally is not just to himslef and his mother. He can no longer sit on his butt and have me pick up the slack.
I have begged and pleaded and bargained with him, and it never worked, for the first time I am ready to let the courts make him do his share. I have alwasy said I have six children and need to provide for them. Well, he has six children too, and it is about time he started helping. I know it will not be easy or go well. I am willing to accept my parents offer of an attorney. I hope it doesn't come to that, but I have a feeling it will.
It has taken me a long time, but I admitt I am not supermom and cannot do it alone. The price is way too high. I don't know how I am going to appraoch this yet, but I am going to do it and probably this weekend.
Jeannie I have been where you are being Superwoman but with only two children. Eventually your body says well you are not stopping so I will do it for you. I had to have a breakdown before I realised what a perfectionist I was. Out of the darkness comes the light and the only way you do get better is to change the way you do things. The cleaning service I totally agree with. I still clean before the cleaner (can't help it). I have a two storey house and live in a country town where everything except the beach is red dust. It is like cleaning two houses. I don't get the support so I pay for my cleaner to come in once a week. I have just reduced my hours voluntarily at work by one half afternoon. I was working 4 full days now only work 3 and a half. Financially I have found the more you earn the more you spend. I have adjusted already to the drop in income and still manage quite well. Personally I don't know how you have managed to this point - I can see why you won Parent of the Year award. Bet you would give anything though to have your health and the support of your A instead of the award. Yes it is time for you to get tough. Whatever it takes for you to improve your life do it. Your Mum and Dad will always back you their love is unconditional where you are concerned. Let them help they have watched you struggle for a long time now. Keep having your granny naps you deserve them and little steps back to get well again. (((())) Luv Leo xx
WOW!!!!! Jeannie--what a huge step you are making! You should be proud of all the work you have done and accomplished. You also need to know that where you are now is where you are supposed to be, slowing down. I know this had to be so hard for you to come to terms with. I have always been kind of jealous of perfectionists!! I am far from one---so far--- that I look at all they do and how well they do it with envy, although it never makes me feel guilty enough to take something else on. I used to have a friend who was like the energizer bunny--shoot she even came to my house to clean my house when I was pregnant and brought her 4 kids with her. She was fantastic, but I couldn't understand how/ why she never slowed down for even a minute just to enjoy life! Now smell some roses, love your kids without worrying what all needs to be thouroughly cleaned! I hope you are able to find someone to help with the work around the house so it still looks like you want it to without you having to kill yourself to get it that way!
I was trying to be superwomen with only two kids, but it all came crashing down for me too. After years and years of working full-time, going to college, and trying to be perfect mother and wife, the straw that broke the camels back was when my mom died 11 years ago. I left my job and quit school. I stayed home for about six months. I would wake up morning and say, “What are we going to do today God?” I would end up doing a lot of grief work, not only from my mom passing away, but also for my lost childhood. Each day I would cry in the morning and sleep in the afternoon. Before the kids and hubby came home, I would rush to get supper cooked, the house cleaned and start the process over the next day. Never would I have thought that God would have me take six months off to grieve – I thought God was into productivity. Still, to this day, I don’t have nearly as much “get up and go” as a used to.
Jeannie you gotta know sometimes I'll be driving my car, thoughts blank, and then the image of you mowing the lawn by flashlight comes into my mind. I love you! What do you mean you can't continue to be supermom? You already have a trophy showing you're Super Mom. Does Miss America need to compete once she has the crown? nooooo she's Miss America always. Now you'll be supermom in another way. Don't doubt that your kids have a GREAT mom. I'm so glad you are caring for yourself, too. How else can you continue being present for yourself and for them? --Jill
Wow Jeannie, good for you. I just loved your post.
One thing I have found I needed to do was to make some choices about what is important to me. For me, it's things like keeping the house tidy, but not necessarily 'clean' - I don't worry at all anymore about what's behind the stove, but the dishes always get done. Thefloor gets a sweep and the spots wiped up with a rag, instead of down on my knees washing - that kind of thing. You don't have to feel guilty that you are not working like a slave - I see it is important to you that your kids have a social life, some fun, some downtime - you are just as worthy of love and caring as your kids are, you deserve it too.
I think that allowing the courts if necessry to intervene with your husband financially is doing the right thing - it is not good for him to have you protecting him from the affects of his actions. One thing I always remember, when I feel guilty about standing the line with my A - by sheltering him, I may be preventing the very crisis he needs to get the help he needs. I may be keepig him from recovery.
