The material presented
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level.
I feel as if I am at the bottom of a well. Sound echoes. Can't see well, feel detached.
This is with present surroundings; feel more connected to posts and PMS.
I had some episodes when I was 12, maybe 13. I called it "being dizzy." I felt as if sound was coming from a long way away, and it seemed as if I were outside myself, observing me acting as I normally would, but it was as if I were watching a movie of myself.
These would not last long--a couple of minutes at most. I remember one in a crowd, downtown on Saturday--a merchant's festival of some kind. Thought it was related to excitement or stress, perhaps.
Maybe some of this is related to having Lasix pumped into my IV 4xday for a long time. Because it desiccated my mucus membranes. And I wonder what it did to my brain--supposed to be a bunch of water in there. I seem to function intellectually about as well as I ever did, but I don't like this feeling of being wrapped in cotton wool. Still can get blazing mad and also sentimental.
Hard to describe.
Anybody who has been diagnosed as disassociating--does any of this sound familiar?
It's more sensory than emotional. So that doesn't sound classic, does it?
Maybe it's just a central nervous system reaction to very bad juju (modern medicine as practiced in the Texas Hill Country.
As Melly would say--Gah! And I did have a good night. So maybe I should just be thankful and keep quiet. But I miss me.
Loves,
Temple
Too whiny to even think about cornbread.
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Hi Temple-I'm retired from the field of mental health. Yes, you are describing dissociation coming from stress usually. Besides for the abundance of help from Alanon, you might want to check out a counselor to talk through the source of such enourmous stress. Lyne
Lyne, I will do that as soon as I dare risk being around humans who haven't washed their clothes three times and air dried them/ washed their hair in Ivory liquid. Don't smoke or know anyone who does.
The last caregiver, who came on Dec. 23nd--and then wouldn't just leave when I begged her to--kept talking to husband about what she could do and it was driving me crazy to see him standing near her--really did a number on me. She was a smoker. That should have been written in red on my "chart." First thing husband stipulated--NO Smokers. Nobody who lives with a smoker. Nobody who has let a smoker into her car. Nobody who has ever used Fabreeze in home or car.
I think there may very well be a psychological component. There is also a large physical overload going on. And these people won't let me have Heparin to put 5 drops under my tongue. That has helped in the past. I have it in a book written by my ecology dr. Once an open-minded Osteopath saw the book and said, Yes, of course.
I've lived such a "pure" life for so long and people don't smoke everywhere, and I let myself get without. Have a lead for a Dr. in Austin. His office wouldn't call me back in hospital.
When I am well enough I don't need it, I will go seeking some.
Bless 'em all.
And bless you and Jerry for the work you have done.
And David for responding. I'm so sorry you went through all that.
Going to go take a few whiffs of pure Oxygen. That helps. Just not with the lack of touch feeling.
Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
((((((((((((((((((Temple)))))))))))))))) I suffer from somewhat of dissociative disorder (just add to my GAD, PTSD, OCD) anway, when I am under too much stress, I shut down...go away....fantasize, and its like I just "go away" I have to reeely work my program to get back into my body and feel...
like work stress..not enough...bills going up?? income not, if anything it has gone down.....then this back spasm....i find me just disconnecting....like big time in dream land, getting out of this pain......but I think with me the biggie is my shutting down adn not being able to feel anymore....like , its hard to describe, and I think there is this being detached from my emotions, except anger and even that is "spotty" BIG time amnesia re: my past b4 age 14...HUGE memory gaps where i dont' remember ANYthing!!! and what I DO remember , I wish I could hit delete on that too, can't cope with stress, like this lack of work AND my back, maybe I won't be healthy enough to work and , hence can't take care of me anymore., so I have kinda been shutting down, although today, I felt huge anger...at HP, at life, for seemingly thwarting my trying to take care of me....so I cycle between anger and then disconnecting from me and my emotions...like its too much to cope with....prgram helps me see it and manage it buts its very hard....depression, anxiety is worse, and its situational, never was diagnosed as clinically depressed...LIFE has me depressed...so I "tune out" "shut down"
when i was a child, I HAD to dissociate....it was my way of coping....and now??? its my "go to" thingy when things get to be too much....I have to reeeeeely go one day at a time...work my program and literally go hour to hour at times, to keep me "inside of me"
When things are not so bad, coming at me, i can be free of this and not be in this condition
but when life gets to be too much??? that is when I detach from me and life and isolate and have zero interest in anything..I have to MAKE me do what I gotta do......lately, with work so slow, and clients saying they want my services and when I follow up they don't return my calls/text...(Lots of BS;rs out there) then I get sick with this back, so I am wondering how long I am going to be able to support me/take care of me??? so its been of late, my dissociating from all this crap....its a coping mechanism for stress overload....when regular self care/self talk isn't enough to give me some peace....
If I did not have program, I would be dead by now by my own hand....but I keep trying , hoping I can make a better life...I am not ready to give up and let go yet, but I told my doctor, last time I saw her that IF they find cancer or any other life threatening conditionn, I will NOT do any treatment of any kind...Just make me comfortable...I mean what is the point of fighting for more hardship and struggle to make ends meet???? I have entered my 70's now and I am "ready" for nature to send me home.... I am just being pragmatic here, but lately I've had to really burn my candles and talk with my angels and spirit guides and universe as a whole, to fight off the depression of all this hardship and be willing to "go another day"....so yea, dissociation is something I have
I saw a therapist long ago, when I researched all my "issues" and told her what I suspected about having dissociative disorder....I suspected it when I would tell her my details of my abuse and have ZERO emotions about it...Like I showed more emotion talking about a horse race....so yea, I hope this rambling post helped you understand something....for a LOT of us it is just a S*** life that put us in depression/dissociation state.....I am FINE when life is not beating me into the ground...but I notice it is hard for me to REEEELY feel...not as bad, but still have to work at reeely being connected to me and my emotions....
I hope this helped, my friend..............sending you UNDERSTANDING and ACCEPTANCE and LOVE and ((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))
I just feel physically removed from sensory input. Lord I hope I get back to where I was. Where sounds and sights seem normal and I feel like me again.
I never went through the horrors so many of you did. Especially the ACAs. Didn't even have the experiences so many did with acting-out As. Never went through job loss, arrests,
all the craziness so many here have experienced.
I couldn't have taken it. I'm not as sturdy and tough as most of you are.
And a funny--I heard what my mother said about "not having enough milk for me" and taking her own sweet time about getting bottles and formula. And I cried a lot. (and I thought all the babies in our family were 6 pounds. But I had this big myth that I had been starved as a baby. She did say she finally broke down and started supplementing and I quit crying and thrived.
So I was looking at my baby book with granddaughter. I was born at 7 1/2 pounds, gained the first two weeks (and they lose the first week, if I remember), gained steadily, Weighed 21 pounds at 1 year. I think I had colic.
I think your little mind and body does what it needs to do to protect itself. I know you've said that naming six things you see, hear, feel, smell (that's hard to find as many, etc., helps you come back when you need to.
HP has kept you here this long and is not going to abandon you now. There are community resources--there are food stamps--they are there when you need them--you won't always. There are food pantries. There is even help with utilities for those that need them. When you are better, if things don't turn around soon, go check out what resources are available to you. And think about a Go Fund Me page. You can put it in the name of your rescue doggies--you always manage to get their vaccinations, etc., and you could use some help with them.
Get creative. You may be proud. This is not the time. Get help. Churches around here serve meals. I bet where you are there are lots of churches that either have help or can steer you to where you can find it.
And for today, just feel the warmth of your puppies and maybe think about going and getting a shot. Ask somebody to take you. If you need.
We love you and are so sorry you are hurting. This, too, shall pass. And I'd wish I could disassociate if I were in a lot of pain. Can't take it.
One good sign--in spite of all, you can reach out and give ESH and comfort to others. Somebody who can still give is not about to lose it--it just feels that way.
Bless you,
Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
hey ((((Temple))) I lost my pride a loooong time ago., as to resources here??? USED to be...NOw, they say my SS is too much..house paid for..car paid for...no help w/utilities, and I CAN "exist" ..I've been very frugal all my life so when i was able to work FT, I paid off stuff..I have some savings but not a whole lot...but to the human resources, its too much...anything over 5k in savings is too much..they want you to have ZERO...well I fought and scrimped adn saved to get some $$ in bank to cover me for a couple of months unemployed, maybe 6 months tops, if I lose my jobs or just cannot work b/c of this back....I managed to put a bit away because I am very creative with what I have...I've been frugal all my life......no food stamps either...since economy changed for us folks who have worked here all our lives, there isn't much help...I had to laugh at them when they said my SS is too much AND i am still fit to work..single...no dependents....oh yea, the list went on....so yea, I tried....didn't think of the go fund me page...that is one thing I didn't think of...my friend up the street tried that adn got nowhere, but maybe b/c I rescue, i could get some help....dunno....
thank you for caring...I'm going to burn my candles and just cast my burdens, up to , I don't know where, but cast em off me........your ESH, re: touching my back pain seems to be easing the pain, and Jerry's color changes helping, I think, too......i rub me and talk to my body....I was able to do light stuff today........so it is easing up.....all the stress I am sure brought this on..Those shots are only if I am desperate because it is hard on the liver...so use sparingly........
and yea, sometimes I think HP has a cruel sense of humour keeping me here on earth w/out a sign of relief....hell, if I could find a nice (I need TWO good mornings of work each WEEK..not scattered but every week--then my quarterly guy who treats me real good, I can fit in when he can see me on tues...but Wed. and Fri NEED to be filled...) I could make it with that....next week, my Wed.(wish he was more regular) client wants me so NEXT week I get to make some $$$....but really, I yelled at HP tonight, telling him/her/it that he/she/it has cruel sense of humour, like gigging frogs, keeping me in this struggle and I feel like I HAVE been abandoned, so i am trying to not abandon me, myself....and I won't let this take away my spirit....
If I can give comfort to another, i am gonna do it!!! Its just the RIGHT and HUMANE thing to do...I wont' let this make me hard and bitter tho its a struggle at times.....I just don't believe in any HP outside of me....I keep telling me I am a child of this universe adn universe has me covered, but w/out evidence it gets harder...I dont' believe in things unseen...I'm a Scientist...an agnostic in that I need to see evidence.......let me see a DEMONSTRATION and then I'll maybe believe.......so ODAT and sometimes OHAT (one hour at a time)
thank you for your kind note to me....You are a good spirit.....sending you hugs and love and prayers for what you are going through.......
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