The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Had my first visit with the therapist today. Fortunate to meet with someone who I think I am going to stick with, so her personality meshes with my personality very well. We of course covered a lot of basics when it comes to what I want out of therapy/life. It felt good to sit down and talk with someone openly. I almost started crying once. But it felt really great. I'm meeting with her weekly now. She said we would talk about options as to how I want to bring up the inventory to him because it is obvious that I am really having a hard time with it, and that it has changed my perspective on my boyfriend and I's relationship. She gave me a little to work on between now and my next visit next Wednesday, so I'm looking forward to progress. I feel like I'm finally in the right hands. I look forward to growing more and having a plan.
Gloves, so glad to hear you found a good therapist. I agree that a compatible personality really helps. I found therapy, along with Al-Anon meetings very helpful. It was a good experience to have a plan that I didn't have to work all by myself. Keep up the good work!
Hey gloves - good to hear that you are taking self-care seriously! We often talk around here about a willingness to go to any length to be restored to sanity/serenity and I'm all for tapping into any and all resources available to 'get there'! I second the 'keep up the good work' - and keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Therapy worked wonders for me. I am glad to hear that you found the right therapist for you... sometimes that can be a process. Keep posting! Happy Sunday to you!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I have been in therapy on and off for years I find it really helpful. But most of all al.anon is very helpful because if the day to day support
The more I embraced veing able to detach, not argue and focus on myself the better That doesn't mean I dont pay attention to others it just means what others do or do t do is no longer my some focus.
I decided that the momentum is going now, and that I think I'm going bring up the inventory this weekend. Talking about like this, after talking to my friend nearly a month ago, is enough to make me feel courageous about stepping forward. It's eating away at me, and it is time! Only plan is to bring it up, then see where we go from there. I bring little things up here and there when I talk to him, and I'm catching him lying and omitting things. I need to understand so that I can allow myself to actually heal. I'm not sure whether I will do it Friday evening when he gets in, or on Saturday during the day. Whatever presents itself. It'll happen this weekend though, I think.
My therapist validates everything I'm saying; and she too questions why he said about his inventory "I'm leaving it here, don't look" without really meaning to have me look through it. In my session today, I feel like it's Santa Claus saying, "the presents are in the closet, don't look!" She said I'm human and entirely too hard on myself.
The more I talk to her, I feel like he's definitely controlling, serious, not thoughtful and is probably taking advantage of me. All BAD. We talked some about what I would do if we broke up, and what the plan is if it goes there. YIKES. This came up on my own. Things are just becoming clear to me... and I need to understand like.... now. Have some explanation because what I read in his inventory are definitely flaws in character, but depending on his explanation, I don't know if I can devote my life to someone else like that. Or create children with that person. I just feel I can find someone better. How he was romantically with SO many people, without telling me any of it, even while we were together, is really important to me. Does he even know what love is??? Idk. I guess I will find out this weekend. I'll continue to write if I feel it coming on, otherwise, I'll be following up w/ how it goes this weekend.
One day before I tell him. I decided to do it right away when he gets in Friday. I don't think I can wait anymore.
I've practically studied the inventory, but I find something new every time. I have so many questions. I want to understand so badly. Why? Because I need to understand for me to be with him. He's said he's completed AA, he surely has thoughts on why he continued to lie.
As of right this second, I feel really hurt. Really, really hurt. So, up until today, there was this story of a girl I met in college. She was girlfriend to my boyfriends roommate. She seemed like a really sad person. And a person who got taken advantage a lot. She killed herself like a year after we all graduated. I just realized today, that my boyfriend engaged in a 3-way with her. So I'm feeling really hurt, because when she died, my bf and I were already dating. He didn't say anything on how it really affected him. How must have that felt?? I would want to help him. But instead, here I am, just itching to talk to him about it. Along with my other stuff.
I should be seeing him at about 5:30pm tonight, so only need to hold out for just 3 more hours. Today is absolutely brutal! I'm doing my best as the day passes. I fortunately took a nap since I woke up even earlier than what I normally do (5am). I've meditated, fed the dogs, watched funny movies/tv shows, I just took a shower... I think I just need to meditate every hour from now until then just to calm down. I am nervous/afraid/sad/prepared as I can be, but I know what the right thing to do. I'll know in the moment. I'm catching myself rehearsing, but it is really hard not to-- such a challenge for me today. Challenges=growth. I know I will survive this.
I actually feel so nervous enough that I moved the guns in my house just for myself. He's never been violent....ever... but it just gives me peace of mind until this is over. I hope for the best outcome for myself!
Rachel this reminds me of how important and necessary my sponsor is and I am for him. He and I know the lay of the land mutually and recovery is very valuable from "being there and doing that" ourselves. One thing I did get reminded of is that the Alcoholic never completes recovery. Ours is a lifetime disease. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
(((Gloves))) - sending you virtual (((hugs))), thoughts and prayers. Be gentle with you and take good care!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Betrayal is a hard one for me because I have abandonment issues I have had more than one incident in my life where I was cheated on in fetal I went into total devastation then I had anger, self reproach and more sadness. Then cycles of anger and bitterness
Of course I always had that sense when I was being cheated on because there were lots of signs.
The way I handle my vulnerability today is to have a great deal of compassion and love to nurture myself That is called bolstering your inner nurturer I work on loving those resil vulnerable parts of me Then I get to see how juvenile and immature some of the partners I have had were I get to see that despite their protestations they were pretty much incapable of being un a committed relationship of course 8nhl I bekiever I could transform them by sheer will.
Having reasonable expectations had been so key to my program ironically the oetsonnwhonI had the most unreasonable expectations for was myself
{{{Hugs}}}