The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As I continue gaining knowledge and perspective I am starting to understand that there is still some anger for me to process. I really thought that most of what was left was just sadness over the loss of hope for the relationship with AH. But yesterday something triggered a wave of anger and frustration about several different things and I think I need to write it out so I can try to move past it. Im not even sure these particular things are directly related to the alcoholism but they are definitely related to how consumed he is with his own needs/desires and how very disconnected I am to my own.
We recently started a remodel of our upstairs - reconfiguring rooms, adding doors, carving out space for and installing a new bathroom, adding closets, installing new flooring...a pretty big project. Still work to be done, but things are nearing completion. The kids bedrooms have been in chaos due to the construction but those areas are finally coming back together. I was out running errands and couldnt remember if wed bought a new closet rod for one of the kids closets yet. Since I was going to be near the home improvement store later, I sent AH a text about it, figuring he could text or call when he had a chance (he calls me everyday from work anyway). He called a couple of hours later, completely misunderstood what I was trying to find out (because he talks way more than he ever listens) and essentially dismissed my question as a waste of his time. I was LIVID. And I realized, it wasnt just about this particular issue. It was about how dismissive he is of me in general. HIS time is apparently invaluable while MY time is expendable. The home improvement store we prefer is 40 minutes away. It only made sense to stop and get a rod while I was out if we still needed one. My days are consumed with sweeping, mopping, dusting, making beds, washing-drying-folding laundry, maintaining our budget, paying bills, arranging various contractors and repair visits to our home, making doctors and dentist and orthodontist and therapy and chiropractor and veterinary and dog grooming and vehicle maintenance appointments, arranging everyones schedules, juggling taking/picking up from the aforementioned appointments and every after school/extracurricular activity, coordinating the kids time with friends, shopping, meal planning, cooking of the meals, directing kids chores, picking up prescriptions and on and on and on...all so everyone has everything the need to get through the day. He values none of it.
And that ties into one of my biggest resentments - meal planning. Im pretty easy to please food-wise. There are very few things Im not willing to eat and thats especially true if someone else happens to be cooking it. At that point, Im just grateful because I hate cooking. Yet, most days, I do it. Im often uninspired though and would be happy eating whatever. But he and my kids arent so if Im struggling with what to fix, Ill often ask for their input. Again, he treats it as though its a waste of his time (hes actually said those words to me) and says I dont care - fix whatever! So, I do. And what do I get for it? A crinkled nose, a disappointed sigh, an obviously fake smile that comes off as a frustrated grimace. It can be his favorite meal in the world but if he isnt in the mood for it, hell make sure I know it. And if he DOES happen to approve overall, hell still find a way to criticize...he would have done it this way, or he would have added x-y-z, or its ok I guess when I ask him if its good. It feels like I cant win, ever. If I ask for his input, Im wasting his time with trivial stuff. If I dont ask, hes never happy with the outcome.
Circling back around the the closet rod issue (because its really all the same thing) - When we started the remodel project he left all decisions up to me - from finding the contractor to choosing the finishes. Problems right off the bat with things the contractor did that he didnt like (discovered after that work was completed. Nothing wrong per se, just not done the way he would have preferred) and then as I was bringing home samples for flooring, tile, etc. he had opinions (all negative) but still wanted me to choose because he didnt have time for this! Eventually I did convince him to take time to go with me to choose things...and - we ended up with essentially the exact same things Id picked out on my own! So when I thought of the closet rod (I was already out of the house for the day so I couldnt just go check and see) my first instinct was to ask him (hes taking care of these kinds of minor things in regards to the remodel) because I know hes hoping to get them installed this weekend. If I had bought one and we already had one, I would have had to make a special trip to return it. If I hadnt bought one and we needed it, I would have had to make a special trip to go get one. If I had bought one and he preferred a different type, I would have had to make a special trip to exchange it. So I texted him because MY TIME IS IMPORTANT TOO! But the conversation wasnt productive so in the end, I didnt stop and get one. Why make an extra stop during an already hectic day when I couldnt confirm that it was needed?
As I replayed it all in my head last night - not just the closet rod issue, but the cleaning, cooking...managing life...it hit me. Im angry and frustrated by the wrong person! The problem isnt that HE doesnt value my time. The problem is that *I* dont value my time! If I accept the value that I offer then his negativity really doesnt matter. If these things are important to him, then he is more than welcome to offer suggestions or help accomplish them BEFORE they are started and I will happily take his thoughts into consideration. But if they arent important enough to him to have any input before things are in motion, then hell need to wallow in his disappointment all on his own. And if we still need a closet rod then hell have to go pick it up himself or wait until I can fit it into my schedule. Because...MY TIME IS IMPORTANT TOO.
Hugs Twinkies, Something that the program helped me with is that residual anger I had at myself for allowing another person to disrespect me as long as I did. If I allow others and since I have control over me and i'm not a victim of my choices .. I stayed .. I taught the other person how to treat me and I allowed my time to be disrespected. What changed was me learning to value myself and to stop others from being disrespectful to me by putting in place my boundaries. This includes my job .. my children and the man i'm seeing. No means no. Yes means yes. And I even have permission to change my mind. I learned to take a stand without having to exhaust myself through anger and resentment. I just encourage you to continue to process. .i'm sorry this is going on and it's frustrating. I love it when people come into the program saying .i'm not angry .. I laugh to myself thinking yah let me know how that's working for you because anger is a great motivator of change. I really don't see it as negative since feelings are facts better good or bad. The anger tells me something in me needs to change. You are standing at a fork of what next .. so keep healing and growing .. talking to your hp working steps. I hope you have a sponsor they are amazing. Big hugs .. it gets better .. I get it and it's ok because you don't have to stay in the anger.. I used it for protection and now it's easier to let go of. It takes time. Hugs s :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
There isn't much I have to add to what serenityrus posted but I want add my support of you and what you're currently going through. Many of us have felt angry and unappreciated by others. I hope you'll carve some time out for yourself for in person Alanon. It can be gratifying to show up at meetings where what we say is understood and a gesture as small as pouring a cup of coffee for another is greatly appreciated. Hope you take the time to take care of you. You're worth it. TT
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
The now ex A projected a lot of his self hate on me As I was around him I got the contempt and derision he most certainly had at himself He could be nice s d very caring with others but pretty much contemptuous of my needs. Those signs surfaced very very early in our relationship within weeks but I didn't see them Then I tried to argue with them.
It is extremely hard not to take the alcoholics behavior personally Detaching is a real art.
What is important for me today is to value my own time.
I have to look really carefully at what my priorities are.
When I was with the now ex A I felt I had to shoulder so many of the burdens. When I got better I stopped shouldering his burdens I stopped stepping in
I also stopped reacting. Over time I got more and more space for myself Then I started to he free of the crippling resentment
Twinkies, I am late to this party so am just hopeful that today is a better day! I am a 'write about it', 'talk about it' and 'pray about it' person....no matter if it's anger, confusion, sadness, uncertainty, etc. I pretty much use the same process across the board. Take good care of you and lean into your sponsor, the program and trust it!!! (((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Twinkies I loved the very end of your post and the realization you had. It struck me as an aha moment when I read it. This program has helped me to have similar moments with my AH. For me detachment was the key for similar issues. I learned detachment in the program and to take care of myself first. Mealtimes were a huge source of resentment for me in the past. Both my AH and I work outside of the home and yet 100% of the meal planning and prep became my responsibility. I also experienced similar things with criticism or disappointment with the meals I prepared. I found that I was resenting making meals for my family. So I decided not to do it if I was going to resent it. Instead I brought it up to my AH and told him I wasn't enjoying this and asked him to start making meals twice a week OR have nights where we all fend for ourselves. Like you I am happy to eat almost anything. I could eat a hard boiled egg and toast and be happy with my dinner. I decided that it was impossible to make anyone else happy but myself so when I did prepare meals I made sure to incorporate my favourites too. This helped with the resentment because I wasn't sacrificing so much of myself to make others happy. Turns out they like some of my favourite meals too!
My AH is terribly indecisive. He prefers not to make a decision and leave it to me and then complain or criticize when it's done. I learned from my Al Anon program that not making a decision is in fact a decision. It used to frustrate me to no end because I took it personally. But detaching made me realize it wasn't personal. It wasn't even about me. It was about him and his inability to decide. Instead I ask for his input on matters that I want his input on. If he doesn't give it and he criticizes afterwards I tell him I made the best decision I could at the time and I had to make it on my own. I have even let him know how I feel about that kind of "feedback" afterwards when it can't be changed. It has made a big difference in our relationship.
My AH also doesn't like to be interrupted at work. It irks me the tone and manner in which he speaks to me when he's working even though he calls me when I'm working and I don't act that way....if I allow myself to go on a rant about that I could be here all day. I have also learned to just not call him at work for anything other than urgent matters. I also don't let him take up too much of my work time with matters that can be discussed at home. I've learned a lot about making my own decisions for myself and being more confident in my decisions. It turns out I make pretty good decisions about most things! And those where I don't make a good decision I sure learn a lot from those situations too.
