The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I joined this group a year ago, give or take. I dove head first into it after having neared what I thought was the end of my rope. I quickly discovered, thanks to this place and some needed perspective, that I still had a lot of rope to go though. I was stronger than I thought. Things had improved at home somewhat too but thats not why I quit posting. I knew that it wouldnt last despite his promise and despite some positive changes I was beginning to see. I had hope of course, but deep down I knew he wasnt ready to quit drinking. But coming here had ripped open a festering wound in me and as I began listening to the lessons others were sharing, I realized I needed to come to terms with the death of certain dreams I had held onto for far too long already. I needed to catch my breath and steady my boat a bit. So, as much as I needed this outlet, I also needed to just focus on breathing and existing and growing in this new mindset for a while.
So I have been. I no longer ask him to stop drinking. I no longer cover for him with our children. I no longer allow his drinking to influence my own moods. I spend as little time as possible with him if hes been drinking and the time I do spend with him is spent very superficially - no long, deep conversations no matter how hard he tries to get me to go there. Ive managed to start the process of rebuilding myself - at least emotionally - without him. Ive learned to disengage and to hold my tongue and to focus on my own happiness regardless of him. Im still a work in progress but overall Im in a decent place and Im at least ready to start thinking of what the next step will be. Its sad but its no longer the sadness one feels with grief. Its softer, almost nostalgic. I think hes seeing that change now too and I think hes scared. And I feel sorry for him. Because it is scary. I know - Ive just come through it. He could have had it all. But he chose his beer instead. And the fear and the anger and the need to shift blame will give him ample excuses to keep choosing the beer. But those are his demons to wrestle with all on his own. As for me, Im continuing to slowly shift my gaze away from that - away from him and the dreams that will never be - and toward a life free of it all.
What an honest share and thanks Twinkies because that opens up the window for me and I see and learn about my own situation. I understand and can accept and make changes as necessary. Again thanks. ((((hugs))))
When I came to this group my entire focus was on the now exA. Al anon gave me a lot of tools to help me to detach.
I am glad this group gave you that When I first went to al anon I was fixated on that I could make others change. Noa the only person who has to change is me Zome days it is very challenging g to be in that mind set.
I remember your posts. Thank you for sharing honestly where you are now, and how you got here. It took me a whole year of mourning "What could've been" for me. Last holiday I was in crisis mode... survival was key for me and my kid. This year, we are settled, needs are being met & divorce was finalized... so I had more time to reflect. As a result, it was a more difficult holiday for me. I too, had to come to terms with my dead dreams. I also had to accept that they died years ago... I was just living in denial... something that was hard for me to do.
Sometimes I still think about how my Ex had it all... I really gave EVERYTHING to and for him! Yet, it still wasn't enough. Sad.
It is good to hear that you are in such a good head-space. Keep coming back!
Peace
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Hey Twinkies - good to see you! Great honest share and update. I see tons of growth and acceptance - both of which came slow for me. Today, I am content with where I am, even when I am left of center. I think it's because I clearly see now how insane this disease made me when I was in the constant battle stage.
Sure hope 2019 is an awesome year for us all - keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hey Twinkies - good to see you! Great honest share and update. I see tons of growth and acceptance - both of which came slow for me. Today, I am content with where I am, even when I am left of center. I think it's because I clearly see now how insane this disease made me when I was in the constant battle stage.
Sure hope 2019 is an awesome year for us all - keep coming back!
I think that is an accurate post about my life with the now ex A. The dreams that will never be. I know how I acquired thar malignant hope I had to have it as a child in a very ill family . As an adult that defence which certainly saved he as a child was a disaster. Letting go of it felt like I was disintegrating
