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Carla - I love the title to your post, and can remember asking myself all the time when I first arrived. I am happy to report, I don't ask myself this question very often any longer - and how I got from there to here is just practice, practice, practice...
I learned from childhood to be respectful and responsive to people. Of course, I've carried that with me my entire life and so - when my phone 'dings', I often will take a look to see who/what/etc. It is in recovery that I learned the only person putting pressure on me to respond fast was me! I actually learned from my kids (who would avoid responding when/if they were hiding from me) that my phone, my texts, etc. are all 'tools' that I can put down and pick up to use as I choose. There is no right/wrong way to communicate with others especially if/when they are baiting me or pushing my buttons.
I have been known to block both my husband as well as my sons if/when they are abusive. I just have no desire/interest to see crazy-making texts any longer. I also turn my ringers down/off when I am napping or getting ready for bed. I figure anyone who really needs to reach me knows how to beyond my mobile and I deserve the sleep/rest I am chasing.
My best suggestion - turn your question into a statement - I will not engage. Add to it as you need to. Empower yourself to pause and consider what response, if any, is owed. I'm amazed at how this program has given me the freedom to step away from the drama/chaos of others, and to avoid engaging in 'it' with our tools.
Hang in there and know you are not alone! Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Aloha Carla and welcome to the "help" line...LOL. After being in the program for a while I also learned that reaching out for support and ESH was going to be the best way for me to recover as the fellowship was always ready, willing and able to pass on what they learned that helped them.
Like my sister from another mother Iamhere does so well I practice, practice, practice using new and different tools. I also learned new and different ways to state my condition and then act on it.
I use to use that "I can't" or "why can't I" thought and idea all the time and then heard my sponsor say..."It's not that you can't, it's that you won't do a difference". He was so right on when I spent a bit of time looking at the difference and then stopped being so stubborn about doing something new with better outcomes in my recovery.
If other members in recovery can do things better with better results, I can also.
Mahalo sisters for your input also. ((((Carla61 and Iamhere))))
Hi Carla! I havent been around in a very long time, so please take my words as that of a relative newbie who still has much to learn.
My husband isnt verbally abusive but that doesnt mean he doesnt dangle a copious amount of emotional bait for me. Its gotten even worse as Ive learned to disengage from him. He recognizes that Im no longer biting and it frightens him. So hes now doubling down out of what I feel is desperation.
The key for me has been to take a step back and look at things logically. Why is he doing it? (A: to get a reaction from me). What do I want by giving him the reaction he wants? (A1: to hurt him the way he hurt me. A2: To make him see/understand how hes hurting me. A3: in hopes of some great epiphany on his part that will cause him to stop drinking immediately). What do I *actually* get by reacting? (A1: My own anger grows and I waste time and energy focusing on it. A2: Frustration and pain grow because he is incapable of understanding how he has hurt me. A3: NOT an epiphany - that just isnt going to happen. Ive wasted years waiting for it. Continuing to spend emotional energy on trying to make it happen is like banging my head against a brick wall - I end up bloody and bruised and the wall comes out unscathed).
Once I was able to stop reacting immediately and take a couple of breaths first, it became so much easier to ignore. It does take practice as others have said, but if you do it just once and focus on the emotional freedom it brings, it starts coming more easily.
Im also at the point in my marriage that Im ready, really ready, to focus on my happiness outside of and beyond him. Only you know if youre there or not. I think, for me, letting go of the dreams I had for my marriage and grieving the death of the love I feel (felt?) for him has helped to give me a new perspective. If by chance something miraculous *does* happen before I have all the pieces in place to leave or before every shred of romantic love I have for him is gone, then I always have the option to start dreaming those dreams again. But Im no longer building my future based on that possibility. Im choosing to start building my future based on the probability that it wont include him. Coming to terms with that reality was a huge turning point for me.
hey Carla, used to be in any toxic relationship I had, I had to have the last word., the last "slap down" with someone toxic as I was...NOW, as I grow and heal, I can read their nasty text or their "come fight" email and i can dismiss them with class and keep my integrity...I don't have to be "right" all the time and I don't have to engage in another's false and sick opinions of me as long as I know i am working my program, keeping my side of the pavement clean and doing my best.
engaging with one who is toxic is like getting into a peeing contest with a skunk...there are no winners..just a stinky mess....Now when I get an undeserved nasty anything: text, email, VM, or facebook pm, I look at it...check my inventory (step 10) make sure i don't owe them an amend and if I do, I make amends...if i don't??? I hit the "trash" button and tell myself, I am not responsible for their feelings....OR, if it is a face2face thingy, I cut the drama by saying "sorry you feel that way" or "gee I'll have to think on that and get back to you later" depending on the circumstances and what they say, but no feeding drama is what I learned.
Then I.started embracing the program and adopting the suggestions. I still waxed and wanted for a long time. At certain times Inswitched off the phone.
The texts the now ex A sent me were triggering for ne The more I.emvrace my triggers the better I become I certainly have my bad days when events overwhelm me.
When Instopped reacting it gave me some space Needless to say I flip.flopped on it a lot.
Triggers can be very hard to look it and work on.
The most important thing for me was I stopped beating myself up I stopped berating myself and then I.could stop.being so reactive to others.
hi Carla
I don't know why you keep engaging but I know why I would keep engaging with my AH when he was being less than nice in the past and still can at times. I engage because I want to show him how mean he is being and to get an apology. I engage because in that moment I think that is the way to not accept unacceptable behaviour. It took me a long time and still takes me reminders to "drop the rope" you see there can be no game of tug of war if I am not holding and pulling my side of the rope. When I learned to stop responding to my AH's bad behaviour it turned out to be much more effective. The argument ended much sooner. I got to step away and have some peace. The argument didn't eventually become about my reaction to his bad behaviour (my own bad behaviour). My sponsor told me to keep saying to myself "that's just alcoholism " and walk away. I used to joke for years with my AH that he was like the match and I was the gasoline. He would do something rude or mean and I would blow up. In the end all people saw was the explosion from me not what started it. That would make me even more angry! Al Anon has really helped me with letting go of so much of that. I still have my moments but I'm a work in progress :) I was driving home from work one day and this song came on the radio called "She's Kerosene" and it was so familiar I had to laugh. I know I have made progress when I can laugh at myself about it. I hope that you keep coming back and that you find peace like I did from the program.
