Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Im · Veteran Member

Sober ex came back asking for a chance

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

I too, was, what I referred to as, "a human ATM machine, giving out a never-ending supply of one more chance and one last chance"

So, what does this mean? This is about YOU. Not about what YOU can do to take him back and protect yourself against him breaking up with you again. Simply, about YOU. See the difference? It's not about him breaking up with you via text message. It's not about whether or not things have changed for him. Once you are healthy and OK -- then you can see the truth so to speak, and not be influenced by the "I want him in my life...BUT". Sober alcoholics still have 'ism's, they can still be dysfunctional. They can still be a lot of things. In my experience, and I went through the same thing with my ex -- this was not about her being sober, whether or not she changed, whether or not she'll hurt me, and so on. This was about ME.

So...It's not about whether or not he's changed. It's about YOU. Go to meetings, talk to your sponsor, a lot.

You can make a decision...the question is what kind of decision...the easy decision? The popular decision? The healthy decision? The unhealthy decision? The comfortable decision? The uncomfortable decision? See, no one plans or intends to make the unhealthy decision. But...we do. We end up making the unhealthy decision, and we don't know it was unhealthy until after the fact. We go through DENIAL. We JUSTIFY. We RATIONALIZE. We VACILLATE. Wait...alcoholics and drug addicts do those things too!!! Interesting. Ironic. Thought-provoking.

So...what I did was set aside the "I want her in my life"...and I looked at me. I looked at whether or not it was healthy to have this person in my life. NOT if this person has changed, then it will be OK, then it will be healthy...those are excuses, denial, and rationalizations again! Clarity. Focus. Is it healthy for ME to have this person in my life.

This is about YOU. Think about battered-wife syndrome. The "disease" is not about the husband who beats the wife. It is about the wife and her going back again and again and again. See, it's not about the husband...it's about the wife.

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

By the way...if you work on YOU, if you get healthy for YOU, and if YOU make this decision for YOU, about YOU, based on YOU...and you take him back...and then he breaks up with you again...guess what?

YOU CAN BE OK WITH THAT!!! Get it? I was. I took her back. The previous time she crushed me, devastated me. I couldn't eat, drink, sleep, work, nothing!

2 years later I took her back. She ended it again. I was fine!!! I was OK. Because I did the work for me, on me, about me!!! I made sure that no matter what happened... I WOULD BE OK! I WOULD BE FINE! I was happy and healthy when I took her back and after she ended it!!!

I guess you can say, I kind of prepared for the break up, LOL. I was prepared. I made sure I wasn't fully, unconditionally, and emotionally vested in the outcome...and I was OK!!!

Im · Veteran Member

Bo- thanks. I was not fine when he ended it this last time. I loved him so much and truly thought we could have a future. The ending of it shook me to my knees- not eating, sleeping, etc. I started exercising more and taking care of myself. It helped clear my head and move forward w my life. Wouldnt you know, that is when he resurfaced. I was not over him and was willing to consider trying again. Now I am not so sure. He has not changed much, no effort to demonstrate I am important in his life because his routines are still the same and I am not feeling valued. By that I mean, he is still doing him his routine, his schedule and all that works for him, not tweaking things to speak to me on the phone when its best for me or making time to see me face to face. Same ole same ole behavior. Am I answering my own question here? He says he had his priorities all wrong, doesnt want to loose me, will move (Im not asking that rn) but today, yesterday and days prior look just like before. ... His actions are showing me WHO HE IS and yet his words say who he WANTS to be but isnt. ... I really dont want to say good bye...

Im · Veteran Member

It is about me... what is his acceptable behavior and not acceptable by me.. I was hoping he meant what he said when he wanted me to take him back. He is not really any different than before and I have a new way of seeing him/his actions. Are they acceptable to me? No. But can I let him go? I am not ready for that. Yet if I stay, and ends again...ughh. I often question should I give him the opportunity to show he has changed... but for how long???

Maresie · Senior Member

Abandonment is a big issue for me. When I am around people who abandoned me I am aware that they really so not want to understand how seep that goes.

These days the number one thing is I dont abandon myself.

One thing I notice about alcoholics is they dont want to ge friends They generally want full scale commitment

I was of course a big fan of full scale commitment because if my abandonment issues Now I am not

I have a tendency to love people who want the relationship on #thwir# terms Now I have more investment in myself. When U got to a acceptance then I stopped jumping in so fast

Maresie

Acceptance about my part in those relationships was hard going

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

I am one who closes no doors ever. Yet, I do love me enough today to have boundaries for self-protection/preservation. I so agree that when we work on self, we get stronger, healthier and have a different set of glasses. Today, when I am confronted with unacceptable behavior, I either vacate to pause before responding, or I say what I mean, mean what I say and not say it mean.

It's never easy to step away from one we love. It's really hard to see what is healthy/unhealthy unless we've gotten to know ourselves really well. I am reminded of the definition of insanity - doing the same thing over again, expecting different results. With healthy boundaries and better self-awareness, I can keep the doors open yet I can choose a different outcome based on my needs vs. the needs/wants of others.

Hang in there - my hope for you is you can continue your self-care and recovery and make a decision that seems best based on your needs! Keep coming back!

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

I do close doors because if they are meant to be open they will be, I have learned not to take a hammer and nail them shut. I DO distance myself from toxic situations and people. When I see patterns repeat and the same behavior playing out then I'm not interested .. I am not interested in causing my own pain, whatever that statement means in the moment. Unrealistic expectations, seeing the potential and not seeing the reality of what's playing out.

Coming from the standpoint of being married to 2 different addicts .. I have no desire to get involved with another active addict. I don't do well in those relationships, because I don't do well .. they don't either .. and that is what it is for me. I know if I got involved with a recovering addict of any type I would not be interested if there was not 2 solid years of active recovery. I don't believe that a recovering alcoholic begins to work on spiritual recovery (emotional sobriety) without there being 2 years of no use. It takes a LONG time for the brain to come out of the fog. My sponsor and I talked a LOT about 2 weeks of good behavior doesn't erase 4 years of poor behavior. I tend to believe people when they show me who they are, that was something Alanon taught me. It is ok for people to be who they are and it is ok for me to have boundaries about what is and isn't ok in my life. I'm not saying there are not wonderful recovering alcoholics or active addicts .. what I'm saying is I'm ok not to live in that dynamic .. doesn't make me better than or less than someone else who is able to still hold on to themselves while in those situations .. I can't .. that's a true story for me.

AND it is ok to say NO because it's a complete sentence. You have to get there when you get there and there is no wrong way to get there once you start. It doesn't matter if it's through alanon, personal counseling or whatever .. it's just more important to heal. Living in the dream of what was is way way way different than living in what is .. I have watched other women in my life (and me as well) live in the he's such a nice guy .. well .. nice men don't break up with you over text, nice men don't act as if I'm a second choice or an after thought .. nice men suit up show up and stick around even when he gets to see all of me .. good, beautiful, nice, ugly, bad and not so nice. Relationships or healthy relationships are not one sided, that's just a true story. Healthy relationships are two people who suit up and show up through all of it.

Big hugs .. keep doing you and what works for you, if it isn't working for you .. that's when I look at changing what I can .. me .. S :)

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

It's easy to maximize the good things about a relationship with an ex and minimize the the not so good things that brought the relationship to an end. Looking back I remember believing my love relationships were "fixable" if I changed something in or about myself. I really had no experience with a romantic relationship that worked so I rationized that no one was perfect including myself so who was I not to give someone a second chance when the attraction was there. I felt myself becoming healthier and choosing healthier people for intimate relationships when I was willing to accept loneliness instead of jumping into relationships to avoid it. Working the Alanon program helped to let go of the magical thinking I had which had me believing that happily ever after could happen with just about anyone I desired if I insisted upon it in my interactions with that person. Basically, I tried to control and force the outcome I wanted as if the person was the last one on earth that would ever love me.

Thankfully, with the help of this program I began to distant myself from relationships that weren't working. The important take away was that there was something that needed to be worked out in myself. I wasn't ready for a truly intimate love relationship because I didn't really know myself well enough to know what I wanted. Consequently, I attached myself to anyone I was attracted to and assumed their identity instead of having one of my own. That was the "fixable" part that I mentioned above. How could my romantic partner not continue to be willing to be with me when I was willing to change into whatever was acceptable to my romantic partner for the sake of the relationship, for it never to end, to live happily ever after.

Looking back, I almost find it inconceivable that I was willing to throw myself under the bus this way. But as others have posted, abandonment issues cause us to make poor choices. Fortunately, those issues can be worked on and even resolved. My fear of rejection or abandonment has been replaced with knowing I have a right to say no to people, places and things that don't feel right for me. "When in doubt, don't." It's ok not to be ready, to wait, to say I need time to think about this. I use to respond immediately to people please and not take time to consider what I wanted. That doesn't happen anymore.

Today I know myself. I know I am worth waiting for. You are too!! I suggest that you take your time rather than allow your time to be taken from you. From what you posted, it's clear that you know you have choices and that before this guy contacted you, you were at a place of reasonable contentment. Only you know the value of that to your present and future life. It's progress in the Alanon program to be questioning yourself before making a decision that will greatly affect your life. You are doing that. I hope you find the answers that are right for you with the help of your higher power. ((hugs))) TT

Im · Veteran Member

Serenity.... You wrote : Living in the dream of what was is way way way different than living in what is .. I have watched other women in my life (and me as well) live in the he's such a nice guy .. well .. nice men don't break up with you over text, nice men don't act as if I'm a second choice or an after thought .. nice men suit up show up and stick around even when he gets to see all of me .. good, beautiful, nice, ugly, bad and not so nice...... yes!!!!! HE WASNT NICE. HE RAN. HE ENDED IT VIA TEXT AND DIDNT WANT TO TALK TO ME ABOUT IT AT ALL - his words. HIS ACTIONS ARE NOT HEALTHY FOR ME and I know that. I feel like an after thought w this man. Even today. He made plans to spend Sat w a friend and not me. By that I mean, no conversation about when wed spend time together this weekend to work around commitments, it was simply- Im doing this and Im not available until Sun. Oh? Youre spending the WHOLE day w your friend and not only dont want to see me Fri or Sat? Jeez. Dont I feel special? (No I dont) I called him out on it and he said he could see me Sat morn but why dont I come join him at yoga in his town? Again, all about him and his needs! When we started talking again recently, he said he realized hes selfish and had his priorities all wrong... I was expecting new behaviors - flexibility, conversations and compromises- what I am getting is old behaviors. It hurts me and makes me cry. I know I need to let him go and end this, yet I am so stuck in what I think he can become (better bf) that Im struggling to tell him goodbye.

Im · Veteran Member

Tiredtonight... I WOULD always maximize the good because the good was great. It really was on so many levels. The minimizing part was rationalized because although hes been sober for 15 years, hes never had a healthy relationship (his words) and Id tell myself hes still learning... let it go. The minimizing got harder and harder because what I was minimizing was the stuff that he did that was hurtful- selfish behaviors. So I started voicing what I wanted and didnt like and thats when things ended. .... why am I fighting for a man who isnt putting in the same level of fight/work to save us? I shouldnt minimize anything, as Im worth the healthy, loving, compromising, communicating behaviors that Id love for him to do but am not witnessing. ... someone said it here, hes showing you who he is.... yes he is and its breaking my heart ....

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Im big hugs .. i'm truly sorry for the pain you are currently in and it will pass .. it may feel like a kidney stone in the moment it's going to pass. I want to ask you .. what do YOU like to do? What's your favorite color? What's your passion? What doesn't revolve around this other person?? What's your favorite meal? Last thing you did because it made you feel good? ( none of these answers can revolve around someone else ) To me that doesn't sound like love it sounds like obsession. Love isn't obsession. When I first came to alanon I couldn't answer any of that .. ohh I could tell you what my kids liked .. what my ex didn't like .. I could tell you about what other people liked however not me. I encourage you to stop focusing on the "hims" and start focusing on you. Find out those things or remember what you used to like even .. it's a great time for some self reflection without the complication. You keep talking about saying goodbye .. from your posts he just reached out I wasn't under the impression you were currently "in" a relationship. So why the need for goodbye? Get together or don't .. I would just encourage you to take time for you .. I don't see where a response is required in terms of goodbye. Just what I see .. you will figure it out. Sounds like alanon would be a good opportunity to find out what you want in a partner and for yourself. Much luck and many hugs .. :)

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

While in recovery...we are often presented with a situation...a decision...very often it tends to be something involving "an affair of the heart"...where we know the so called "right" thing to do, more importantly, the healthy thing to do...and we struggle doing it. We know we should. We know we have to. But we struggle. We even "kind of want to" even to the point where we feel or say "we wish we could" and "I know I should"...and we can! But we feel we can't. We feel we don't or shouldn't. And so on and so on and so on. This is why we are in alanon!!!

Recovery is about change. It is about doing things that are new to us, uncomfortable, difficult, not easy. No pain, no gain. That is a cliche we have heard for years, perhaps in a different venue, but I think it is applicable in alanon.

I have strived (striven) to make the right, healthy decision...not the emotional, easy or popular one. As hard or difficult as it may be...I have to do what is best, healthy, and happy for me...not an emotional decision, matter of the heart, where it is based upon another person doing something, behaving, changing, as that is me basing it on hope and conjecture. That's me making excuses and me making it OK for me to do something that is not good for me, not healthy for me.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene