Big, big lessons over the past few weeks, things I am still processing. 

My oldest is not going back to college and I'm not sure how to handle that one thing I will say is at least they came to me before Christmas the want was to wait until after Christmas and my very wise younger son said umm nooo .. tell mom NOW because it's not fair that she will have a great Christmas and you throw cold water on her right after.  No one enjoys that.  I am so grateful for my little Yoda.  LOL.  This is the lesson he took away from his experience with alcohol and I am sooo grateful if that's the lesson that he remembers it while he navigates.  So a few days before Christmas my oldest did come to me and that first semester is still kicking his butt right now.  I don't know how to get him over that hump.  It's really messing up his long term plans.  I think the lesson I see is don't wait ... and he's still waiting.  I get it .. I do a similar dance. 

At this point I am ok with him living at home .. I am not thrilled, he's started hormones .. at the beginning of living at home he was a little impulsive shall we say.  He's been following my boundaries and requests so I really feel that it would be ok for him to stay.  At the same time I feel trepidation about having him stay home because he so needs his own space to be him and fully be him.  I feel so badly that while he's home that's just not possible.  There are some things I want to discuss to give him some focus .. top surgery, getting his name and gender marker changed so he can start really living like the man he feels he is.  It's complicated and then not so much .. lol.  It's more complicated to explain why his birth name is E and he's growing a beard!  LOL.  Then there is the part of me that's so happy to have him home.  We really do have a close relationship or I think so and when it's good and going well .. it's super good, that kid is an amazing kid. 

I am grateful we are a year further into this journey.  I am grateful instead of waiting he told me before Christmas.  I am grateful that the lessons I have had have benefited everyone in our home.  I am mostly grateful for Alanon because without the self awareness I have currently I wouldn't have gotten here.  

I know if I was meddling in all of this and I was twisted up with worry about what I can't control and so on .. none of us would be doing well.  Keeping the focus on what is right for me, helps bring a sense of calm to the rest of the family.  My youngest really shined through with that one.  I am grateful that my oldest listened to their younger brother and decided to move forward with very important information .. I do wish he would have come to me sooner .. he didn't and now he's going to have to deal with some tough consequences.  Maybe that's the right thing for now and maybe we can get things righted and get them moving in a better direction.  I am heartbroken he's just got to take the hardest path going and those are his choices and life lessons.  I have to accept that he's going to do this and just be there in support and know when to step up and when to step back.

My honey and I went with our friends to see Trans Siberian Orchestra .. it is officially the new Christmas tradition in our house I will be looking for tickets for the family next year.  It was AMAZING.  That's putting it mildly.  I will upload some pictures later .. I mean as high as we were .. I got spectacular shots with my little camera phone .. LOL.  We spent Christmas at his parents and we are still trying to navigate through some of the transgender stuff and I failed miserably .. I am grateful that my son has a big heart and is very forgiving .. some of this stuff is hard especially when dealing with people who support someone who believes he doesn't have the right to exist.  We got through without any big rows and the rows that were had were within their immediate family and we navigated and stayed clear.  This time next year I will be in a different space than I am today just because of natural evolution.  It will be ok.

Anyway, .. what a difference a year makes and what a difference 4 years makes .. my goodness who would have thought .. LOL. 

Hugs S :)