The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Iamhere asked if I could help out today, and I am happy to offer service! The following is taken from The Language of Letting Go
GETTING THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS
For some, the sights and smells of the holidays bring joy and a warm feeling. But, while others are joyously diving into the season, some of us are dipping into conflict, guilt, and a sense of loss. We read articles on how to enjoy the holidays, we read about the Christmas blues, but many of us still can't figure out how to get through the holiday season. We may not know what a joyous holiday would look and feel like.
Many of us are torn between what we want to do on the holiday, and what we feel we have to do. We may feel guilty because we don't want to be with our families. We may feel a sense of loss because we don't have the kind of family to be with that we want. Many of us have old, painful memories triggered by the holidays. Many of us feel a great deal of relief when the holiday is ended.
One of the greatest gifts of recovery is learning that we are not alone. We're learning, through trial and error, how to take care of ourselves a little better each holiday season. Our first recovery task during the holidays is to accept ourselves, our situation, and our feelings about the situation. We accept our guilt, anger, and sense of loss. It's all okay. There is no right or perfect way to handle the holidays. Our strength can be found in doing the best we can, one year at a time.
This holiday season, I will give permission to take care of myself!
I have gone back to this and reread it many times this month. Last year I was in "survival mode" and I didn't think much about the holidays, really. They just happened. You know? This year, I am situated, comfortable, most of my needs taken care of. I am even in contact (in a healthy way) with my Ex. But I have found that I am much more sad. I agree that we are bombarded by the media's portrayal of a "perfect" holiday. But it really is just one day in 365 days of the year. I was recently at a holiday concert by the Pasadena Pops held in an old church. There I connected with the music... the sights of the holiday, and I had an epiphany of sorts... I really didn't need to feel sad. The Holidays are what you make of them! And there isn't one perfect way to "do" the holidays. What matters is treating yourself well, and paying it forward in some small way. Perhaps my HP was connecting with me in that church... who knows? All I do know is that musical event is now going to be a tradition for me, and I completely accept that the Joy of the Season is within me and completely controlled by ME. FINALLY! Something I CAN control! LOL!!!
Make it a great day, people! I am off to have coffee with a friend, and then purchase a couple things I need to make gifts!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
PnP, thank you for sharing this today. It is so timely for me, for the season. I also have dealt with painful memories of past holidays, guilt for not feeling the way I "should" feel, and being in survival mode.
For the past few years, since my husband passed, I have been working on different ways of handling the holidays. One year I did nothing -- except take myself on a solo vacation away from everyone, even my children. Another year I was invited by a friend to spend time with her at her vacation home. As time has gone on, I started to make Al-Anon a priority of my holiday, planning to attend a meeting on each major holiday -- Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year's Eve, New Year's Day... and then after that, go to any holiday gathering I was invited to. I also made a decision to only send cards and gifts to a short list of very special people. This plan has worked excellently, because I am taking care of myself first.
Honestly I have nothing to fear from holidays now, but there are still some feelings triggered from the past, that I am working on. This year it has been my obsession to get to a meeting on each of those days ... even though in my area it has been a challenge because some meetings are cancelled on the holiday. I was feeling a bit frustrated, until someone reminded me of the telephone meetings, so I will be calling in to one of those when I can't find a F2F meeting. And of course there is MIP, so I can always check in here as I do every day. This is how I am fighting the demons of the past ... and I am making progress, one holiday at a time.
I love this -- "the Joy of the Season is within me and completely controlled by ME. FINALLY! Something I CAN control!" (... with a little help from my AlAnon friends.)
Christmas New Year used to bring bad memories... The pre-Christmas "parties" in our community used to crank up towards the end of November.
Today my balance of memory is much healthier... and the "J" for me in Christmas is joy, at the very least... ...
This was traditionally our harvest time- and I still work over the break part time. It was tough, in the day, working through when everyone else seemed to be recreating.
As a kid I lay awake one Christmas and found out that Father Christmas was a woman! ...
Thanks PnP for the service to MIP and for 'covering for me'! I had driving Miss Daisy duty this morning for a breakfast with friends! This topic is so very, very timely....I have had a love/hate relationship with Christmas over the years and as with most things before recovery, I viewed it Black/White. I used to overdo the decor, the presents, the food, the ....................................... and thought that's what was important.
As the disease progressed in those I love, I was so exhausted from battling the disease, all that I used to do became a burden, a nightmare and quite frankly a resentment. As I've grown in recovery, I've taken a simpler approach and just do what makes sense for me. I no longer decorate and only buy for the kids. I bake if it moves me to do so, and select from many invites to attend those I want to vs. those I feel obligated to. My sanity and serenity are better with a keep it simple approach for sure.
I am grateful for recovery, MIP and all that keeps me as grounded as possible, one day at a time. Great topic, great shares and happy Thursday to one and all!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hey PnP, may you have a great Christmas and Happy New Year...i'll be alone again...kids on op sides of the country and I'm in the middle..
the holidays bring back sad memories, but I did have some good ones after I cut them out of my life and lived with my cuz and came out here to TX...My Ex who was alcoholic, but a good man, sweet, funny, anyway, now its just another day for me
I'll hang out with a new friend i have, do some studying on the new tax laws, a coupla hours per day, then its Play Play and more Play, LOL...My holiday will be what I make it to be....Gonna get some biscuits and go, Christmas eve to the animal shelter and spread some love to the furry ones.... then go to gym, if it is open....
Over the weekend I'll go to goodwill and get MY fur kids some toys, stuff they can wreck and spread all over the house....My puppy beheaded her doll...it was a nice clean cut, i gotta say, then she pulled out the stuffings and spread them all over the house....so she has this flat, headless doll that she loves.......
I've done what Iamhere has done, which is simplify the holidays for myself and my family. I decorate with a tree and a just a few cherished decor pieces. I don't go overboard and I find it comforting to know that my home is warm and gently lit with Xmas lights and that it didn't take me days to complete. Now that i work full time I don't have time for baking cookies, attending all kinds of holiday events, etc and I really feel like this is the first Christmas season that I've enjoyed.for many years.
Mamalioness! I love what you shared about the fur kids. I am buying my bf's dogs a few new bones today since he'll be traveling for the holiday week. I love spoiling the pets!
I waffle with sadness and feeling down around the holidays and often hated the festivities and the packed shopping malls. I'm learning that I can take what i like and leave the rest and that pertains to all aspects of my life.
Hope you all have a joyful Christmas week or holiday week, and that you take some time to meditate on what you need and want for yourselves. Peace to you all and please know that none of us are ever alone in our walks of life.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
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