The material presented
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It is interesting that most of my previous posts have been in relation to my brother-in-law. He survives my sister who died from bowel cancer over two years ago. I have previously written about my difficulties dealing with him in relation to minding their children and I had some fantastic insights and support here. They have now moved to Dublin which is a brilliant move for them all and I go there and see my niece (21) and nephews (16 and 3) for quality time. I do not miss having to deal with my bils disorganisation and chaos one bit and, since June, my day to day life has been so much easier. Its been a great relief to me that they've moved.
Last Saturday he wrote a piece which was published in one of the national papers. He keeps saying 'its to remember M' but in reality its him offloading about how hard done he's been and I read it as a very public case of the poor mes and I reckoned he'd dine out on it for a long time. The piece is cathartic and he gets a certain amount of things off his chest although, thankfully, he didn't refer to any family issues. Some of the information and timelines were factually incorrect and, in fairness, it was a bit dramatic. That was grand last Saturday. He got it off his chest but I've had a steady stream of people contacting me saying 'poor D, he's been through so much' etc. So in the meantime I noticed that I was quite unsettled. My next door neighbour said 'I don't think you realised how sick your sister was'. At the time, we didn't tell people about how sick she was as that was her wish - she was a very private person - so I found myself being quite upset that I was now being perceived as being out of touch with reality during her illness. I worked on letting go telling myself that my BIL had his 15 minutes of fame and that it would pass over.
But yesterday he rang me to say he's going to be on a national TV chat show on Friday night to talk about his experience as 'it's now a thing' i.e. national talking point. I took a moment to try to point out some of the inaccuracies in the article e.g. 'the pain started early in the pregnancy ... the pain increased' [I'm paraphrasing] (she was diagnosed with bowel cancer when her baby was 9 weeks old and during the pregnancy she felt generally unwell and was constipated). I had spoken to my other sister and her daughter and none of us remember her talking about pain in the first six months or more of her illness. So when I tried to clarify this with my BIL he said 'she was putting on a brave face - that's how I remember the details'. He brushed me off - he doesn't take criticism of any kind too well so I was basically shut down.
Anyway, he is the son of a fairly bad alcoholic. I think he may be a bit deluded or that he is loving this world of celebrity and recognition (he is a script writer/journalist working for the national TV station). My sister probably used to keep him on track and now, two and a half years on, its hard to tell what's going on. I have long recognised a steady stream of bull when he talks and my husband is wise to him. But the rest of his wide social media, friends and colleagues pour this adulation on to him and he is lapping it all up.
If anyone wants to read the article I'll pm you the link. I've had anxiety and been feeling all wobbly over the last few days. I will be cooking christmas dinner for him and the kids in my parents house and I'm worried that he'll just keep the whole christmas focussed on his recent newspaper article and tv appearance. My other sister is not to happy with the article and my niece said it was dramatic and she seems resigned to her dad and how he does things. I just want to feel relaxed and happy over christmas but at the moment I'm dreading it.
-- Edited by Faintly Falling on Thursday 20th of December 2018 05:26:51 AM
-- Edited by Faintly Falling on Thursday 20th of December 2018 07:17:27 AM
I can so understand your concerns and as I read your posting I was reminded of the fact that your entire family, your BIL and yourself are all stil grieving. a huge loss. In that case it is practically impossible to measure his actions or your concerns as rational or "Normal.
Program wisely suggests that we are powerless over others and that if we keep the focus on ourselves, our thoughts and actions making sure they are free of negative judgments or criticisms. If we do this we will have more serenity and be free to be supportive and to receive support from others. Sending positive thoughts and prayers to you
Hi FF-I relate to your frustration with your BIL, however he reminds me of many people I know that can't get enough of themself. I've learned in Alanon to pay attention to ME, and live and let live with the others since I can't control them. This is no easy task but with program over time, I am getting better and better at this. My best suggestion is to get more involved with Alanon as this program has given me a better quality of life with less stress, Lyne
Thank you as ever Hotrod. I am gently asking you if what you are saying is right - am I coming across as a little irrational? For the last few days I have been thinking that I've been feeling a bit paranoid but now I think it might be ok to just accept that I may be coming across a bit strange to others. I will admit I don't like the feeling as I usually think I have a handle on my self awareness. But perhaps, this time, it has slipped a little. I feel I just want to hide away and not talk to anyone. If I have to talk to people I feel I just want to pretend there is nothing the matter. At least I know that this too shall pass and, as you point out, there are many others grieving.
Thank you for your reminder to keep the focus on myself, my thoughts and actions making sure they are free of negative judgments or criticisms. X
Hi Lyne. Thank you for your words. Yes, it has been a good six months or more since I was at a meeting. There is one tomorrow morning so maybe that's something I should do. Thanks again.
I have had situations where I found myself getting involved in the "details" the "whys" the "motivations" of another persons actions. It only served to irritate me and steal my peace. Even if I was right about everything, it still didn't change what another person was doing or not doing. I always ask my self do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?I hope you have an enjoyable visit wit your nieces.
Hey FF - good to see you and it sounds like you're moving forward in recovery. I had to learn in recovery that each person deals with emotions differently and there is no right/wrong way....I think this is very true for grief - I am a private person, much like your sister and have a cousin who lost her son in a car accident and she's extremely public with her grief. There are times when I read something online and find it 'awkward' and then am reminded of the simple tools of our program. I can live and let live, I can use the Serenity Prayer and I love my go to abbreviated version - Bless Them, Change Me!!!
Feelings are real always and we are entitled to them as are all others. I have to remember that feelings are not facts though and what is today is not permanent as this too shall pass. I too hope you have a lovely holiday and enjoy the offspring and visit! Keep coming back - I've missed you and if you can get to a meeting, I know they always lift me up no matter where I am when arriving! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi DavidG. Thanks for your post - its good to be heard. So it sounds like you are in the thick of the christmas family gathering! I guess there will be many challenges for many families over the next week so hang in there - you are not alone.
Slippery slope kind of thing. For me, I would distinguish the "try" from "can't" from "won't" and so forth. Keep it simple. No one controls my thinking or actions. Just me. So, what I do, what I think, is on me. I don't by into the "feelings are real so" routine, not as an absolute. Yes, feelings are real. We do not have to act upon them. It's not a must. Grief is real, and people feel what they feel. I get that. Everyone grieves, mourns, and recovers in a different way. I get that. But in taking action, impacting others, and one's self...no, I don't buy that. I was angry, it was real, I had every reason to be angry...so I hit this person repeatedly. No, I don't buy it. Justification? Sure, there can be.
Getting back to my point, when I find myself saying I can't, often it means, I don't want to...and then there is denial. Sometimes we just don't want to.
All the best.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
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