"what you think of me is none of my business" is such a powerful statement/tool, and quite possibly one of the hardest we Al-Anoners struggle with....

We are not mind readers, and I can literally "feel" how much angst and stress you are feeling over this perceived wrongdoing. 

Sorry for what you are going through, but can you see the impracticality of 'guessing' at what you could have possibly done to get under the skin of either your sister, mother, or both?

They are unhealthy - that is their issue.

You can choose to be healthy, and the closer you can get to "what you think of me is none of my business" is an excellent measuring stick for how you are progressing.

Hugs

Tom

I think most of us can find ourselves in a place of wondering what we might have said or done to set another person off. But the kind of stonewalling you are experiencing from your sister and your mother is not something you deserve. Others can try to control us with their moods, make us their scapegoat for their personal unhappiness. I like your comparision of your sis/mom behavior to an emotional dance. You have the awareness that comes with program to realize this really has nothing to do with you. And despite your sis' mental health issues, there is still a strong possibility that she is getting mileage out her behavior from others. Perhaps there is no "right" or "wrong" thing to say to her. If one chooses to make a case against another person to seek attention that can be happen even if you tell the person you hope they have a good day. At times like these, when I cannot release these "what did I do to deserve this" thinking; I will reading some reading on obsession, pray the Serenity Prayer, speak with sponor or others in the program, go to a meeting or two and most importantly... not engage with the person/people with whom I'm having the problem. I typically have to feel emotionally ready for any sort of conversation to take place. 

When I was new to this program, I felt an exaggerated sense of responsibility for the problems of others. I was being blamed and scratched my head and questioned whether I had indeed done something to cause the problem. Alanon gives us the 3 Cs I didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. I soon learned that I didn't have to walk on eggshells. Alanon also tells us we can be true to ourselves. To Thine Own Self Be True. You have a right to be authentic, be yourself. If I choose to manipulate myself to fit with others, I am no longer myself. I am then controlled by the disease/illness of others. Being true to ourselves, recovering instead of falling into old family roles of caretaking and ignoring our own needs can be met with resistance from other family members. It's my job to choose to continue to respond to this with new healthy behaviors that I've learned in Alanon. I can have empathy, compassion for others but if my expression of it enmeshed with basically throwing myself under the bus to continue to have their acceptance; I'm not working my program. Today, I take a moment to consider whether any sort of explanation or apology is due someone rather than instantly apologizing.

When met with unfair accusations, I can pute JADE into action. I can listen but not justify, argue, defend or explain as a defense to what I'm being accused of. I may express and often do how much that person means to me but I am careful these days not to engage in any attention seeking of others and feed that behavior. I think most people have some ability to regulate their emotions if not on their own with the help of a medical provider. I refuse to wear other people's moods.  Hope you will do something nurturing for yourself today and can find a way to refocus to self love. (((hugs)) TT