The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am really depressed today. I am trying to get off of that pity pot but my 2 yr. Anniversary is coming up on Monday and I haven't heard from my AH in five weeks. I read on the board all the time about how other alcoholics keep calling the spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend. I don't have that problem which makes me question myself as to whether there is something wrong with me. My husband has done this to me several times and I have always given in and called him after a few weeks. To some not hearing from there A is a blessing but with me who has low self-esteem I see it as a flaw within me. I thought the alcoholic needed you more than you needed them.
I'm sorry for sounding so negative but I am very discouraged at this point. I am told to keep the focus on myself so I have been reading literature, going to f2f meetings, busying myself on the weekends but none of it seems to help. I have been in Alanon for more than a year now. I have a sponsor that I can never reach. Why is Alanon not helping me?
1st thing: if you have a sponsor that isn't calling you back, maybe you ought to consider finding a new one.
2nd thing: it is NOT, I repeat, NOT your fault that your A has left & isn't calling you.
3rd thing: I know it is hard but try not to concentrate on the date so much. Get busy and ignore the date. Maybe your anniversary will slide right by you w/out you even noticing. I know that is so hard...but you have to try for yourself.
Other than that, I think that is all the advice I can give. I am new to all of this. I do know that I find the strength I need from all of my new friends here on this board. When I am down, they pick me up. Keep working at it. God Bless.
Julie - Alanon is not an instant cure and a sponsor should be available or you should find a different sponsor. I am so glad you turn here to continue to look for support, we have many people here to support you while you look for a more responsive sponsor.
So what if he calls?? Then what, will that make the problem go away? Will it fix it?? NO
Let's get the focus on you and what you can do to get your life on track and stay off that darn pitty potty. You are sick because of this disease, but it can all be turn around by the effort you put into it. Stick with it, a year may not be enough for you and your heart to know what to do. It doesn't sound like you had a strong support system in your year. Keep up the good work, reading, meetings and staying busy.
We are here for you, when no one else is.
Josey
-- Edited by jrtjosey at 16:52, 2006-04-06
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
Julie... I think you've answered a lot of your own questions in your post...
Why does your hubby do this? Two reasons: 1) he is an alcoholic. 2) in the past, whenever he does this, YOU give in.
Why doesn't Al-Anon work for you? Not an easy question to ever answer, but the programs only work as much as we work them.... If you have a sponsor whom you can never get a hold of - find a new sponsor. If you think you ARE working the program, challenge yourself to provide concete examples of how and what you have changed with your thinking and behavior.
Early on in Al-Anon, many of us (me, for one) had to "fake it till you make it", in that, some of the concepts and approaches seemed so different from my learned behavior, that I had to do them on faith that they would work, and then eventually I fully bought into them.
Speaking from experience, you appear to be trying to get your validation, to deal with your self esteem issues, from your active A. Sorry to be blunt, but there is almost 100% likely of failure on this one... Most active A's aren't capable of validating anyone, and ultimately our self esteem improves only when WE think more highly of ourselves. You can get there, by living and applying the principles that you are learning at Al-Anon. Once you get into them, they are awesome, and you will stop looking for validation from unhealthy people.
Just my opinion...
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I'm sorry you are grieving. I really do know what you are going through. It is like a death when someone you love is suddenly removed from your life for one reason or another. You sound like you are doing all the right things, except your heart still needs to heal. You can't rush that. I remember vacillating between anger, depression, greif, happiness, and denial sometimes all in one day. This is the process to get to the other side. It sucks yes, but the only way to heal is to go through it. I was in Alanon for 1 1/2 years maybe more, I worked the program but not wholehearedly. Somewhere in there I still thought I could cure him or save him by doing things for him, controlling him, impressing upon him the importance of this or that. All it did was delay my progress. I would take two steps forward and then 5 steps back. I actually made my life worse because I felt like a failure. It was only until the "a" left and I was left with me, just me, my problems, my part in everything. Then I began to see how I contributed to the crap in the home. I wasn't just making me miserable I was making him miserable too. I realized I had no one to blame but me, sure he helped, but I began seeing program in a new way. It became a way for me to understand how this disease threw me upside down and the lies I told myself.
Sitting in my pain crying, screaming, cussing, whatever I had to do to get it out I had to, I felt just a little better. There are no guarentees in life, I may have to walk that road again someday, but now I have some tools in my belt that I didn't before. Go back to step 1 if you have to. Surrender yourself and let go, see what happens. Hang in there, and stay strong.
Big Hugs to you,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I can relate to how you're feeling. My husband/A have never separated for more than 3 days here and there when I'd reach my breaking point and make him leave. However pre program when I would feel rejected as if he was *choosing* drugs over me I used to think to myself: Am I that horrible and undesireable that I can't even get a dysfunctional addict to love me and want to be with me?
Those were my pity party days and I still get them now and then. You asked why Al Anon wasn't helping you, then you mentioned having a sponsor that you could hardly ever reach. My suggestion would be to find a new sponsor, attend f2f meetings and begin working the steps.
It is the steps that help us change the things about us that need changing. The steps help us adapt new healthier views on life. They help us make better choices for ourselves. They help us to not be so co dependent. They are the key, in my opinion.
Keep sharing and continue to keep yourself busy. Live your life, and stop feeling as if you cannot have a life without your husband in it. You can, and it can be a good one.
Instead of focusing on why he isn't calling, or why it seems he might not want to be with you, ask yourself: Do I really want him to call? Do I really want to be with someone who does the things he does? Flip the script in your mind. The only reason he has this much power over your thoughts is because you've allowed him to. Take control back of your life. You can do it!
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Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
I know it's hard for you to believe this right now, but the longer you can be away from him, the closer you are on your way to healing. Each day that passes, is a day further away from the insanity. You can pity yourself if you feel that way, but if you try to see it another way, you are well on your way toward having a normal life, if you can.
Instead of thinking about him, or what he's doing, think about you and what you're doing. Take this time to pamper yourself, and start a new life. If you can find ways to get your self esteem back (like exercise, getting involved in some community things, taking courses in something you like, meeting new people - all kinds of things) while he IS gone, if he tries to come back and has not worked on himself, you may be better prepared not to allow the insanity back into your life.
You don't need him to validate you. YOU need to validate you! You're who's important right now. He has to take care of himself.
I understand how you feel, when you wonder why your A cant be like all them "other" a's. I had the same problem. My A was the wife! My A left me! My A iniated the divorce. My A ... blah blah blah! You get the idea
A's are just like everybody else, no two of 'em are exactly alike. What I learned is it just doesnt matter how she acted, whether it was "typical a" or not. She is who she is and she does what she does. I had no control over it.
What I do have control over is choosing to focus on me and doing the very best I can to do what I can to make every day NOT be about someone else and what they are or are not doing.
I agree with what others have said, dont get hung up on those "special dates". Try to do something new on that day, something you enjoy if ya want....or just treat it like what it is.... just another day. Another chance for you to enjoy the world around you if ya want to.
Al-anon is a simple program...but not an easy one. And it takes time. And it takes work. If your sponsor is not there for you...find another one if ya can.
Want to second everything all the others have said - think about what 'really' happens when you do talk to him. Does it actually feel nice, or is it just soothing to the hurt ego? Does he make you laugh, make you feel special, really and truly 'get' your feelings, share things with you, enhance your day? I'll bet he doesn't or at least, not for long...
If you are really feeling that nothing is helping, you might want to try some counselling, in addition to alanon. Get some help for that low self esteem, and it will be easier to do things for YOU. For some of us, we have lived through other people for so much of our lives, we don't even really know who we are or what we like. Try exploring your own self the way you would a new and exciting lover - find out what pleases you. If you put the effort into your relationship with yourself that you put into that with other people, you may be surprised.
It takes a little bit of courage and self esteem to post here with your true feelings and situation so give yourself credit for that. I can identify with your particular A and yes it seems like they are all different. My A left and never calls and when he calls he talks to me like I am a wall (this is after 30 years of marriage). It hurts but it puts us in the victim role and they manipulate the situation and we have our pitty party and we do wait for them to validate themselves. What is happening for me is that even though I can't work the program wholeheartedly, that I am making progress in spite of myself. The do's and don't's of Alanon say don't be a doormat. Take the focus off of your A and take care of yourself. Live it up on your anniversary - for you.
why is Al-Anon not helping you? If you like alot of us comming to this program thought that it would make your husb change then its not going to help . Al-Anon is for you to help u live with or with out the A to recover from the affects of someone elses drinking. Call those al anon friends and talk things out take in another meeting and remember the only thing u have any control over is you and your attitude . Al-Anon is for you not to change him. Hugs Louise
You are not the reason he drinks and I doubt very much if there is anything wrong with you, sure we make mistakes but we are not the reason they drink , regardless of what they may say. Keep working on yourself so that u are strong when he does call , because he will call.
I relate hon, My A is like that. Hey it is them that don't have self esteem when they are using. I call it that line, out of sight out of mind.
My A is with his lover, whatever drug he can find. He won't call me unless I call him. Or if he has any brains left he will call me to ask for pills.
What have you done to love YOU? Alanon is great, also learning how to love you is great too. there are a zillion books to help you to look at you and love you.
I believe the better you feel about yourself, the better alanon will be for you. think about all the good things about you. Heck with the negative. Let the negative go away, and the stuff you don't like that you want to change, change them. It just means you are growing.
Just the fact that you came her shows you are "getting" alanon.
If it were me, I would not even say, me having low self esteem. I would say me working on finding all the good things about myself.
Hey get a journal and fill it up. I find really nice ones at Goodwill, or you can just get any tablet or whatever. I write it like I am writing to a friend. Tell yourself all the good in you. I have kept so many journals I don't know what to do with them all. Gads I would die if anyone read them lol
So full of sex and violence... hahaha
I understand the anniversary thing. Makes me sad too sometimes. Well used to.
I hope you can find some comfort somehow. Look at yourself out of your body, what would you do for her if she was your best friend??
I want to thank everyone for responding to my post. Yesterday I gave into my depression and let it take me over for awhile. Because of all the positive responses I got it reminded me that this is the time that I really need to be working the program. I have decided for today that I will not be depressed and I will treat myself with love and patience.
I agree with pretty much everything that the others have replied to you about. It sounds like you need to find a new sponsor. A sponsor should always be there for you. One thing that helped me when my addict was missing for days, (I'd go without sleep till he returned and get so stressed out from worry, etc....) was to finally be able to tell myself "he's not out there worrying about how I am doing right now, he's doing what addicts do..." Losing sleep would not make him call me, or come home any faster---all it would do is cause me to feel insane, overly tired, and anxious.
When I took the focus off of my addict, and placed it on myself---(hard at first, but I did it) It felt SO good. I went from staying home afraid to leave the house in case he would come home to taking the kids to the beach, or going to the store, or doing whatever we could do and not sit home waiting for him--I felt like I had my life back. It took me time to get there but belive me, once you get there--the feeling is beyond words.
The program does work, if you work it. I've had to work mine daily, no matter how great I felt or how well my addict was doing. If I stopped because things seemed to be doing better---I'd relapse to my old ways of thinking. that's just not somewhere I wish to be at, so I work daily on me. It will not happen overnight---that's why we say "take it one day at a time".
another thing that helped me to overcome any feelings I was trying to deal with, and goes along with the "one day at a time" is that I know I can't not bring back yesterday and make changes with it. Yesterday is in the past--over and done with---so no sense in dwelling over yesterday. Tomorrow is not here yet--and i don't even know if I am guaranteed to see tomorrow---so no sense in worrying about tomorrow---All I have is TODAY---Today I can control what I do, how I do it, where I go, and how much more further I progress in my recovery--or not---But today is here---I will live it like it WAS my last day. Take it minute by minute, or hour by hour if you have too, until you can get to one day at a time. But only take one day! When you feel depressed, try doing something that makes you happy. If I get depressed I'll vent in my journal or to a friend--that always helps me, then I will do something I enjoy such as taking a walk on the beach, spending extra time with the kids, or taking a nice hot bubble bath and pamper myself by painting my nails afterwards. Little things that don't cost a lot of money, but help to pass the time and things I enjoy. Just some thoughts for you!
Hang in there, things will get better. A year and a half ago, anyone who told me that I thought they were the insane ones'. But today I can say---I'm glad I hung in there becuase they were right--it's much better now.
Hugs,
Hightide
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"Taking one day at a time, Brining me one day closer to recovery."
If I have no expectations of my addict, then I'll have nothing to be disappointed about."
