The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, I really did enjoy my first meeting. It was small...only 8 people, most of them parents of the addict or alcholic. But I did learn so much. I will keep trying other meetings until I find a good fit for me. I can definitely see why it works and why they "keep coming back".
When I got home, my husband (who had been at outpatient treatment for the evening) glanced at the papers they had sent home with me. He read the detatchment pamphlet and started getting really irritated. He said, "So basically they are just telling you to leave the a!" I said that I hadn't gotten that at all from what I read or heard. It made me really angry and quite hurt. I tried to explain detatchment with love concept as I best understood it and dropped the subject.
I was angry because I don't read the materials he brings home unless he shows me. I was hurt because I felt like this was the first time I had really acknowledged the impact this has had on me. I was hurt because it felt like we were still functioning in that controlling relationship that I have had to endure for 11 years. I was frustrated that I feel like its always about him, his feelings, his abandonment issues. It often feels like there is only room for one of us in this marriage. Only enough time, energy, resources for whatever his current issues or mood may be.
Maybe I was just being defensive or hypersensitive. I am just wondering if anyone else got this reaction when they started seeking out there own help. Thanks for your input. robyn
That's new behavior. It will be difficult for both of you. Sometimes you might feel weird letting something else go to read literature or make a meeting. He will certainly feel weird and out of his comfort zone that you are looking out for you now too. Your focusing on you more and him less.
It's normal and expected. It doesn't make it right though. :)
Try not to take it personally.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
Someone on here said something to me when I explaned that my wife said she would divorce me if I continued to go to those "devil" meetings.
The A feels threatened by the thought of us getting better. That was a good thing for me to hear at the time. I have also found that my A feels guilty because I have to go to meetings because she drinks... she is still Active.
The other think that I try to keep in mind is ... my A says all sorts of hurtful things to me, I have come to believe it is the disease talking. Some say they project onto you what they don't want to feel. Guilt, pain, lonelyness... whatever. When she reacts to the meetings I go to, that is the pile I throw that on.
I have explaned to her this is not meant to hurt her, or fix her, it is just something that helps me. I am not asking for her permission to go, or her interpretation of what I should get out of it.
Keep taking care of you, and let your A deal with his own demons. You are doing great. The meetings can be very enriching. Otherwise it's like doing brain surgery on yourself, a little hard to get it right!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Yes.... very normal behavior, for "not yet recovered A's"...
My experience would say that he is expressing HIS fears about our programs..... not something you want to, or need to, take on. A's are scared of "us getting better and thus leaving them to die", and their fears overwhelm them at times.
Your program is for you - he may or may not be able or healthy enough to understand that right now.
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I have gone to treatment centers in my area. When I go I have shared with the clients there about the alanon program. Some have known about it, some haven't, but most think that alanon tells one spouse to leave the other, and are quite shocked to hear that we don't say that. Maybe he should go to an alanon meeting, not with you, but go to one to see what they are like. He could then see for himslef what they are about.
Just a suggestion.
He has his meetings, and you need yours. Keep taking care of you.
Much Love,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
oh, yes. My A was NOT happy when I went to my first meeting. At all. He was stand offish when I left for the meeting, and wanted to know what I said about him at the meeting when I returned home.
By you going, it shows your committment to the program and yourself and it threatens him and the life he has become used to.
Mine was told at the treatment centre that I should go, so was very supportive at first. He didn't like it so much when the program helped me to stand up to him, though! He'll either get over it, or he won't. Not your problem, either way. ( I have to say, that was so hard for me to accept, at first and still is, sometimes. You mean it ISN'T my job to make everyone on earth happy?)
Hello - amazing how two people can read a piece of literature and get two diff things from it isn't it. Detachment pamphlet says nothing about leaving anyone at any time, detachment is scarry for the alcoholic as he begins to realze that u are not going to have your life revolve around him anymore . ignore his comments theyare said out of his fears.
Another suggestion don't leave your literature around for him to read it's for you not him and besides never tell the enemy your game plans * the disease I mean) . Leave his program to him and you take care of yours. Keep going to as many meetings as u can and keep the focus on yourself and your needs . Louise
