The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My apologies MIP family - just realized it is Thursday!!!
Today's reading talks about being over-sensitive before program. An angry look, a harsh tone or the silent treatment were enough to 'hurt'...Yet, with recovery and practice, the author realizes that the look, tone or mood of another has nothing to do with him/her. It has more to do with what is going on inside the other person.
What we learn as we 'grow up in public' in recovery is that we are NOT the focus on everyone's actions, and to be hurt in such a way is a form of conceit. We also learn that we are not so important that all which happens around us is not about us. The reading suggests hurt feelings from indirect actions is possibly vanity vs. reality. In recovery, most become less sensitive to what's happening around them - often using - How important is it? We learn that when we continue to carry the hurt, it only hurts and controls the carrier.
Reminder --- Other people are important to me, and sometimes their opinions matter, but I may be taking something personally that has nothing to do with me. Having opinions of my own about myself lets me accept other people's thoughts without being controlled by them.
Quote --- "It was through going to meetings and the daily readings of Al-Anon literature that I awakened to the fact that what other people did and said reflected on them; what I did and said reflected on me." from Living With Sobriety
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A great reading today for me....I can so relate to the before recovery. I took most things personally even when it had nothing to do with me. It was refreshing to hear in meetings and in literature that what others said and did was not about me, but instead about them. Yet - it took practice and many discussions with my sponsor to truly accept this and to learn how not to give my power away when 'life' happens.
My qualifiers know where my buttons are installed. Recovery has given me back the ability to cut the wires and change things up. Using our tools, I am way less likely to react and it feels good. I enjoy my evening daily reviews and being able to see what worked well, what could have been better and what I can learn. I am 100% content with choosing sanity/serenity over the last word and/or being right.
Adding the 'seek to understand' mantra to my program this year has helped. When my newly sober son goes off the rails with disease insanity, I can detach from it, and just calmly ask how can I help. I know and he knows that unsolicited advice is undesired and he has no interest in my life experience, strength and/or hope - just for today. I consider days recently successful if I make it to bedtime and have not been cussed at!!
I am grateful for the gift of this program, the tools of recovery and a sponsor who guides and loves me unconditionally. I am grateful for a HP that knows better than I what's best for me and those I love. I am extremely grateful to accept and embrace myself and all as imperfect persons who are designed to be imperfectly perfect. I have no use any longer of resentments as they rob me of my serenity. I can feel my feelings, know they aren't facts and trust what is in front of me without projecting and supposition. What a great way to live!
Happy Thursday MIP - drove all the way to the golf course this morning and it was closed.....Tomorrow is another day! Enjoy yours!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hello IAH Great reminder to keep the focus on ourselves, remember our assets and gratitude and leave other people alone to hold their own opinions . It is what we think of ourselves that truly counts and as long as i live by my principles I know I am doing fine Thanks for your service
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 15th of November 2018 03:06:42 PM
Oh I absolutely love what Betty said. As long as I know I am doing the right thing, being positive, applying my program, I am good with me even if another is angry or upset or hurt. Depending on who they are and the situation, I might ask them whats up? Do you want to talk? But its not because I think I did anything it is because they might be somebody close to me and I care about them as a person
The slogan keep the focus on me comes to mind here.
Thank you for today's message IAH and for the replies.
Although I wasn't raised in an alcoholic home, there were many "isms" from depression and anxiety. I learned to "read a room" at a very early age....gauging and absorbing moods and climate. For some reason, I took it all on as my fault. I was convinced I MUST of done something for this or that person being moody or quiet or angry. I took it all in and felt the guilt of the entire family. It has taken me many years from different therapies, books and now alanon to realize that it wasn't me. Not too often, anyway.
I still can read a room and the people in it....or my ego makes me think that. The truth is , I don't know what anyone is thinking or feeling....besides myself. It is still a job for me to not immediately run through my actions or words in case I was the one to cause a mood in someone else. Thanks to this program and my growing connection to my HP.....I am looking at situations more realistically and leaving people's mood in their own court.
Happy Thursday evening. Calling for 3-7 inches of snow in western NY and the Finger Lakes Region. Sigh....seems early to me, but I am accepting things I cannot control.
