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I wanted to check in after last week. My lawyer drafted a letter confronting XAH about his drug use and the evidence I have - and the fact that he hasn't taken advantage of the access that he could have had for the past few months. I shot him a text to tell him what the new plan would be going forward (short visitation supervised by me, if I felt it was safe, etc.) and told him that my lawyer would be finalizing with a letter. He called me begging not to formalize my suspicions about his drug use in a letter, he has had two brushes with the law in the past few years and he is very scared that this could really derail things for him in the future - criminal record, etc. He said that he would give me whatever I wanted, just please don't do that - I asked my lawyer and she said he can offer to suspend access indefinitely - basically after rehab or a drug test I could allow it to be reinstated, etc. but the way things are going, it's looking bleak :(
He asked for us to do it privately without the lawyer, but I said no, you have two choices here. I feel relief that I am getting the safety and security to protect myself and my daughter either way, but just so deeply sad that our life has come to this. I know there is no alternative, and I know what he's like, begging for mercy one moment, pretending that he will do whatever it takes and then attacking and threatening the next. I actually have him boxed in and I know I have to "make the most of this".
It hurts so deeply when he accuses me of cutting him out of our lives, which I am doing, but only because I have to. I can't even see the man I married any more, but this move feels very final. This disease is so dreadful. Thanks for listening.
VickiR - yes....the disease is so dreadful. I am sending you positive thoughts and prayers - it's not easy to formalize self-care and protection but often is the next right thing. Keep taking good care of you and know that what happens to him is no reflection on you - it's the affects of the disease.
Keep coming back - the hurt does get better with time, recovery and self-care! You are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Sending you support. You are only doing what you need to do to protect your child and yourself. It is not personal... although he might think it is, and sometimes even you might think it feels that way. It is truly the direct consequences of addiction.
With constant, vigilant work, addicts can and do turn their life around... I am seeing it first-hand with my Ex. But, there can never again be self-pride or any feelings that they are "bigger than" this disease. Because it will always be there... waiting for a chance.
Keep looking after yourself and your Kid... You know what is right, you both deserve some peace and stability!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Please take what you like If I could say anything to try to help, it would be:
Please try to not take any part of what he says about your taking him out of your lives.
He has taken him out of your lives. He's just throwing garbage at the fence.
It means no more than a kid saying "I hate you" because he isn't getting his way It has nothing to do with you. Step aside and let his words fall to the ground.
So sorry you are going through this. And you have handled this very well, I think.
Blessings,
Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
I think you are not only doing the right thing, but that you are doing a great job! You have to do whatever it takes to protect you and your daughter. Use everything, every resource, every possibility you can to do so. Keep doing it.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Don't feel bad about doing what you need to do to protect yourself or your kiddo. It's not unreasonable to ask that someone be of sound mind when they are interacting with any minor and with you as well. All of that other stuff is the disease talking, bargaining and what I call the ass on fire talk.
Keep doing you and keep taking care of yourself and the kiddlet .. that's the right way to go, if he's meant to be in your life it will be up to him and hopefully he will find his sanity again. That has zero to do with you.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Hi Vicki, you're doing what you need to do to take care of YOU and your CHILD. Not easy, but necessary for both of you. He'll have to decide on his own what his next move will be. You're doing the next right thing and God will take care of the results. Sometimes the consequences of our actions(addict) will bring us to the bottom. The bottom were we're willing to change. Don't know, move will be revealed. What he says and does is not a reflection of you or your actions. It's the disease talking.
