The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Greetings Family (and apologies for the delay: It is actually still Friday where I am!). Today's reading is a gentle reminder of the importance of sharing discerningly and meeting both our needs while respecting the traditions and needs of the group. The author speaks of how by the time we reach Al-Anon, many of us are starving to be heard and bask in the discovery that the rooms are safe places in which we can talk about things that have been pent up inside. The reading goes on to remind sponsorship is a valuable tool of the programme and that our needs for self expression are real and should be addressed but also that it is unhealthy for the group as a whole when one member regularly dominates the sharing at meetings. In line with the alanon traditions, it is the group as a whole which must come first. A Sponsor can give us the time and attention we need to talk about ourselves and our lives.
Today's reminder is:
"My needs are important. Al-Anon helps me find appropriate ways in which to meet them. I will take good care of myself today".
I can relate so very much to the releif of having a safe place to speak and be heard. I have aired the laundry more than a few times in a meeting when I simply couldn't help myself and also been through (what I hope was a phase) the stage of knowing absolutley everything and insisting on "enlightening" my group/s. I shake my head now and try to make amends by actively trying to be kinder in my interactions. I do think I was fortunate to have had a sponsor first before entering into meetings thanks to a rare organisation in a former country I lived in that was founded specefically for the families of loved ones with addictions. This person taught me that there were some things that I needed to keep just for me and a trusted other, as like many I had tended to trust people simply on the assumption that our shared experiences equated to shared values of keeping confidence. This programme has taught me alot about integrity, which I think is also part of this reading. When we respect ourselves and our group and learn what goes where, our integrity and confidence grow.
Hello A41 Thanks for this powerful reminder. I know that prior to attending alanon meetings I never shared about my concerns ,as i was in Denial and refused to acknowledge them. Enter the rooms and picking up the tools, i found that expressing my concerns and needs in a healthy constructive manner was essential to my well being
i discovered that I tended to blame, judge and critique others( in other words -gossip) and with program tools, maintaining the focus on myself, I learned to focus on myself, dig through my inner conflicts to uncover my motives so that I could change- Me' , the only one I had power over. This was/is an extremely revealing review and one I still embrace Thanks for your service
Coming from well outside of the USA and from a small rural town- I am mindful of the variations in meeting style. Tradition 4 figures here.
I believe personally that a member can do steps 1, 2, and 3 within the group. And that a sponsor could come into view for steps 4 thru 7. Because that is a personal view it would be simply my choice to sponsor around those parameters.
When encountering online Alanon I observed people swapping sponsors and struggling to get through the middle steps. Just an observation.
In large urban meetings there has to be an egg-timer on the table- just to get through the meeting.
In my first ten years the group as a whole seemed to be the sponsor. We got to know each other very well. I recall a meeting where one member came in in a state of crisis- the the group threw open the whole meeting- after the preambles for that one member to share. One day at a time.
This may not happen for me now- but if I was in a larger meeting- with limited time to share- I would suggest the group hold two meetings a week to get a bigger catchment of sharing and members. I saw one meeting dissolve because is was too timid to grow and expand.
I think there are a lot of variations- that can be considered- well within the rules and guidelines.
Since MIP Alanon here is my home group- it simply apples here for me... I think this is a strong healthy group. No egg-timer is needed here- .
Having said that- there has to be a certain amount of discipline. So maybe it is us older members who can demonstrate this... ...
Thanks A4l for your service and the daily. Thanks to all for your shares and ESH. I showed up to Al-Anon ready to 'word vomit' as SerenityRUs says!! I had tried talking about 'life' to family and friends and it wasn't helpful or supportive as they either offered advice or passed judgement. I am quite certain many also were tired of hearing me as I was full of blame/shame outside of me. I was the perfect poster child for a negative, nagging spouse.
I do believe there are no mistakes in my journey and I ended up at a meeting that has a stated topic upfront and offers one-on-one time for anyone in need. This really helps keep order and structure and we don't have many issues with dominance. I had to learn that meetings are not where I get to dump all that my A(s) did wrong but instead a place to discover and share how 'life events' affect me directly. Learning how to share about me without all the gory details of what another 'did first' was through practice, practice, practice and I'm grateful my sponsor is also a retired counselor/therapist.
I remember finding it very difficult to consider a pre-selected topic when I felt my life was in crisis...yet considering the topic and finding a reading in our literature or some experience to share helped me greatly in realizing that focusing on program concepts, unity and strength helps me put my own situation and issues in perspective.
I have visited other meetings where there was one/two who dominated. For me and my journey, this is not a good fit. I prefer where we are all equals and each shares their own story without giving advice or instruction. Talking the talk and walking the walk are very different things, and I prefer the later.
I've had an incredibly busy day! Did my usual morning run, walked my dog, played golf, went to watch pee-wee soccer and am catching up on laundry! A full day with a variety of things is awesome for how my brain is wired. Hope everyone is having a great weekend!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
thank you A41....with me it was first denial....not feeling safe to share....THEN, I would "share with the milkman and hide from the real safe people" and yea, at first in recovery, I wanted to be HEARD and heard and heard and validated over and over to find some confidence, to bask in the acceptance and respect I was deprived of....then I began to tone down and want to LISTEN...to OTHERS....not just tell my awful story.......and yea, I, too, judged and blamed and even tho my parents are directly responsible for my wounds, I feel that when i was mentally , emotionally sober enough to really be responsible for my actions, then its on ME!!!! so yea, much amends had to be made, mostly to myself, my inner children and my Higher Power for cursing and blaming HP for not helping / protecting me.....learning to focus on me....check my motives b4 I do or say anything was all new to me, but I would not have it any other way....safe SHARING and CARING are key to recovery........I only can change me.....
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