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I am thinking of giving up on Alanon.Over the last 16 years that my husband has been in AA I have gone to Alanon several times,actually more than that,but I always hit this same wall and I leave again.I would like to get past this and find recovery but I don't know how.
I always start out very encouraged and ready to go to meetings,get a sponsor,and start working the steps.Then something happens.I start looking at myself and I start beating myself up and feeling bad.I feel I am sinking into a depression now.It does not feel good anymore.Tonite I went to an AA site and read posts from alcoholics.The topic was marriage and several of them said their wives went to Alanon after they got sober and their marriage is great.I started thinking maybe if I'd stayed in Alanon my marriage would not be breaking up now.Could it be my fault and not the dry drunk I live with? Focusing on myself depresses me,I do not like what I see.
I am seeing how controlling I have become,maybe always was.I start feeling sorry for him,wishing I'd been a better wife.I always get here.This is where I run from Alanon,tell myself I'm ok, and I need to lighten up.There's a part of me that believes I would benefit from the program if I could get past this.Any help,ESH,would be appreciated.Thanks.
Hi so glad you came here and shared your feelings,it is a step in the right dirrection,reaching out.I learned for me that I beat myself at times too more in past then today.But the one thing that helped me was to forgive myself.I was one to put others first in my life and forgot that I am just inportant.We are human,And I have said and done things I wished I did not.When I worked my program step by step I learned when I got to amends I was on the top of my list.For me going to meetings and having a sponcer opened my eyes to things I never new.Things I thought were a defect in me was truly not and were assets.I use to say things with a loud voice sounding controling,learned saying what I mean and mean what I say and not say it mean helped change my tone when speaking.I did not have gulit anymore for the way I said something .This program has given me so many different perspectives from the way I would see things.I will keep you in my prayers and hope you will keep coming back.you are inportant too hun be good to you.with love angel/sharon
I never thought I'd tell anyone this story, a few years ago I dragged my butt to a meeting I didn't want to go to. I think I was very much like you are now, I sat in that meeting leaning back in the chair, legs kicked out under the table and arms crossed. Came my turn to share and all I could say was "I'm beginning to believe that Al-anon is a bunch of crap, pass." This was NOT my first meeting, lol, oh how I'm glad those people loved me The thing is that they kept telling me that even though I may not feel like coming, that is when I needed to go the most. I didnt understand it then, but I just did what they said and I was there, pretty much just in body, not in mind lol. Because I did what they said, I learned and my life changed -- not over night. All I knew was that I couldn't keep going the way I was. Something had to give and it wasn't going to be the A.
At that point, when I said that ( I still laugh when I think about it, I can't believe I did that) I had been having dreams about myself, I was becoming aware of thing I didn't want to look at, I didn't like what I was seeing. It hurt to much. It was so much easier to look at my A -- he had defects coming out the woohoo. Me, I wasn't all that bad, he was so much worse. What I read in your post is that you get to that point of "awareness" and you stop.
My question to you is how can you change anything if you are unaware of it. I was told by my first sponsor that it is called the "curse of awareness." I believe it. It racked me with guilt. I saw myself in a true light for a while and then I turned it into a weapon against myself. I went from guilt to that I was a monster. Thank God/Hp for my sponsor. She continually reminded me that I did the best I could with tools I had at that time, that I could look at the past but I didn't have to stay there and that honesty with myself was the key to my recovery. In other words, she didn't let me beat myself up, but she also didn't let me justify myself to the point where I didn't have to face my actions.
Also, my first sponsor asked me "Would you want to come home to you?" My answer was no. This disease had changed me into a person I didn't like. Al-anon helped me to find the person I once was and enjoyed being with. You see this program is truly about us, and not the A. It is about healing, and becoming what we want to be. I'm sure you can say "I wasn't always like this." None of us were, the wonderful thing is that we don't have to be "like this" if we don't want to. Yes the A's will always affect us. Yes, the a-ism's are enough to drive anyone insane. But with the right tools we can actually live and let live. The key here is you get to live, and it can be really wonderful.
I encourage you to continue going to f2f meetings -- even if you don't want to. Find a sponsor you can be totally open with about how you are feeling, I can promise you, you are not alone in feeling the way you do. Change is uncomfortable, but the rewards are great.
It sounds like you are experiencing a lot of guilt. I have been in & out of al-anon for 22 years - I had a 19 year slip, in which I got sucked back into the disease. I had to do a lot of soul searching, major venting, forgiving myself over & over for my negative feelings & quite frankly, being a human.
If you don't like what you see & don't know how to change it & really want to, all I can do is share my ESH w/ you. I open up my wounded soul & bleeding heart & give it to God willingly & freely & COMPLETELY I surrender myself. I don't ask God/HP to take anything from me ~ as we have 'freedom of choice' God won't take anything from us but if we LET GO of it as an offering, that's what I do.
Whether it is a depressed or guilty feeling or I am obsessing about a loved one or my financial future, when I catch/see myself doing it I simply say, "God I willingly surrender (this or that) to you & take it from me now!"
It works for me & I have told others of this technique & it has worked for them.
Being with a dry drunk, is sometimes more difficult than with an active one. It is part of our human experience to have a breakdown when we honestly face our faults or see that darkness in us that we don't like... as long as you're not a serial killer, I (truly) don't see any one person as "worse" thatn another. We all go through the same emotions... truth is they never get any easier to deal with.
A's aren't used to facing their feelings & we aren't too used to dealing w/ ours either, as we are constantly looking to help or fix our loved one.
We can only fix ourselves. I promise & you're right, it is ugly & you don't like what you see but only YOU can change it. Give yourself a chance, focus on you, do some gentle kind things for you.
I always say, if you don't love yourself first, what do you expect to attract? I'll tell you - users. If anyone is worth your own 'good loving' you are, so give it to yourself!
We all have ups & downs in life too (not just in dealing w/ addictions), it's like ebbs & flows of the tides... hang in there.
I'm ACOA & OCD & ADD, I tend to withdraw when I start kicking myself or getting depressed... but I know logically, this is when I need to reach out the most.
If you don't like F2F mtgs (& I can admit that I don't) come to some on-line meetings. No one can see your face, see you cry.
I've tried suicide twice 21 years apart - @ 15 & 36 (a week b4 my b-day). If I can overcome depression & get better & learn to love myself just a little ODAT ~ (I did hate myself) ~ YOU CAN DO IT TOO!!!
Fight for yourself, you are worth it. Work through it & let it go, it really does get better.
Also, you can only be responsible for yourself, what others do is out of your control but you can change you, if you want it badly enough. A little willingness & honesty go a long way. I pray that God touches you & interveines. I was getting down in Feb, having major problems w/ my mother for 3 months now... I felt the "mind weed" of hoplessness & giving up on myself, the kind of old tapes like, 'oh, I can always kill myself tomorrow" well last time I had that thought was on Sunday March 5th ~ God interveiened, barely 24 hours... monday night, Tuesday at 2:20 am I wrecked my car & totalled it.
God got my attention allright ~ and I don't want to hurt myself, nor do I want to be hurt.
love your friend in recovery, -Kitty of Light
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I'm going through a similar thing Dru (different circumstances) but nonetheless the same feelings. If he is still looking outside the marriage, I can see that you are ready to give up on it but please don't give up on yourself!
Remember, no matter what happens, you have no control over what he is doing. You only have control over what you are doing. Granted, when you change things about yourself, other people may change around you, so this is where you need to direct your energies.
If you're like me, there is a part of you who still wants to make it work, despite all you've been through, and there is a part who really doesn't want anything to do with it any longer.
The only reason it may have worked if you'd gone to the meetings and followed the steps is because you would feel so much better about YOURSELF! You - are what it's really all about now. The more you take time for YOU and stop worrying about what he's doing, the more empowered you will be. You don't have to see the marriage as the be all, end all of who you are. You are so much more than that!
While I understand that you may feel like a failure because you don't think you worked hard enough at anything - the only reason you could be feeling this way is because you haven't spent enough time feeling good about yourself and building your self esteem.
Don't beat up on yourself! You are a good person who has been through a lot of crap, and you're angry. You're blaming yourself, and as long as you do, you're in a trap. Try to look at the big picture and see that we all have made terrible mistakes and none of us are stellar. We've all had a lot of bad things happen in our lives, that make us feel we either want to blame someone else, or turn it inwards and blame ourselves.
Relax. Take a load off. Try to make a decision that you will entrust whatever may come to your higher power. Perhaps, let go of trying to control the outcome of this - whether it be your trying to change to make it better or trying to control what he is doing. Let go and know that things will work out no matter what - if you start thinking about yourself and building yourself up. You can't compete against the world. It's impossible! You are just you. You are special because you are you! You will win, either way - if you start doing things for you. It works every time!
While none of us caused our A's to drink or use, (as the three c's remind us). Often the things we have done may have helped feed the disease. Alcoholism is a sneaky disease, it feeds off the very things that it causes.
Anyone who lives with an active A, (or a dry drunk) can become (and usually does) sick. It is impossible to not be affected by the chaos the disease creates.
In any marriage or family, it is never black and white, there is alwasy enough blame to share. Guilt is a useless emotion, all it does it hurt. In Alanon we can face the things we have done and our shortcomings, we can try and make amends for them, give them up to our HP, and most importantly forgive ourselves for them.
I agree with you that taking a good hard look at ourslves can be painful. Often we have played the perfect injured little martyre. It is the role we are used to, may have been forced into and are comfortable with. It also will not make us happy. We can take a look at ourselves and try and change the things we don't like about ourslves. It is after all the only thing we can change. We don't just look at the bad though, we can learn to appreciate our strengths as well as our weaknesses.
While you are not soley at fault for anything, if you feel you have some blame in things, you can accept that and change it. That is the wonderful part, we have to look at what we might not be happy to accpet, but then we are given the strength and permission to forgive ourslves and then change the things we feel are wrong with us.
Unitl we deal with things, we cannot put them behind us. if we do not face our short comings and deal with them, we are doomed to keep repeating the same patterns all over again.
It is hard and yes even depressing at points, but when you face the truth, seek forgivness and give it up to HP, it is so freeing.
We cannot change the past and we cannot undo anything we have done, but we can start fresh, make today a new day and start with a clean slate.
You have to do what is right for you, and only you can decide if Alanon is the right place for you. But sometimes we have to fight through the hard part in order to reap the rewards. If you keep stopping where you get depressed, you will never enjoy the peace, serenity and rewards that forgiving and caring for yourself can bring.
You deserve to be happy, and we are all human and make mistakes, but no mistake is too horrible for our HP to forgive. You are not a horrible person, nor are you completely at fault for anything.
Ah, glad to see a post like this. Dru, I have been in Alanon off and on now for at least 15 years (some Alanons keep track of it like AA does and get chips and whatnot, I just don't do that). There are times I am sitting in a f2f and really just don't even want to be there. Yet I go anyway. Then after being away from Alanon for a while I started going again even though I was questioning why I was going- after all, my A has been sober in AA (at least) for almost 18 years now, why am I still going to these meetings? Yet, I do anyway. Also, I am not a real "people person" so it is a struggle just to get myself to the meeting. For most of my life I have had some type of social phobia at times. If I manage to talk during the meeting I am usually the last one to do so. But, it helps when I do go.
Don't know if my post helped at all, but I appreciate you bringing up the topic and not "sugar coating it". Thanks.
I find that the meetings a true blessing just like this online family because... If I work on my own feelings alone, I lie to myself!
Is it possible that our part of the disease is that we don't want to forgive ourselves for the things we have done wrong because it helps us to take that blame from the ones we love, the A's in our lives?
I believe the only reason I am still married to my active A is my belief that when she is soo mean and nasty this is the result of guilt she feels from drinking. I would love to take that guilt from her... but I can't.
Even taking all the blame for her actions doesn't make her feel better, and makes me feel worse. I tried that for years and it made me worse, which made her more guilty. It's a dirty cycle.
You deserve to honestly forgive yourself. We all have done the best we could at the time, for me at times that wasn't very good.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Please don't give up, maybe try a differnet meeting, I get so much more from open AA meetings. I see the progress and the people actually working the steps and working with their sponsors, they are like family. This has helped me a lot, in my own recovery and battling the rollercoaster and depression.
It is hard work and daily looking at ourselves and saying what could I have done differntly today and what will I do diffently tomorrow. I am so at peace with myself right now having made some much needed ammends from my past. And keeping my daily plate clean.
Keep coming back!
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
Hi Dru, I commend you for having the courage to speak up and reach out for help. Although you said you begin enthusiastically enough about meetings, sponsorship and the Steps, you never actually said whether you got as far as getting a sponsor or starting to work the Steps. A sponsor will help you with awareness and acceptance (of yourself as well as others) and will guide you through the Steps in your own time as and when you are ready. She will help you process any uncomfortable emotions and work through issues with you. She can perhaps help you remove 'bricks from the wall' or find a way round it. You don't have to do it alone. Do you share at meetings? I heard that those who share recover... needless to say like everything else in my early days I took it to the extreme and my poor group couldn't shut me up for a while lol. As you can see from many of my posts I'm not verbally economical I'm ok with that today, it's a part of who I am. Others can take what they like and leave the rest. Before you give up on Al-Anon again, try asking yourself a few questions.
'Why am I in Al-Anon and what do I want to gain from attending meetings and working a program of recovery?' (If your here because you want to 'fix' the A, your marriage or because your A thinks it's what you should do then chances are you're here for the wrong reasons and though Al-Anon can still work for you it will take longer. Al-Anon works best if you want recovery for yourself. If your primary focus is to recover from the effects of anothers alcoholism, to heal yourself and lead a full, happy and productive life then Al-Anon is the right place for you.)
'Are my hopes/expectations of recovery realistic?' (Al-Anon is not a cure-all but it will provide you with the necessary tools and support to work on changing/improving yourself and your life. Recovery is a process and doesn't happen overnight, you only have to do a day at a time.)
'Am I willing to go to any lengths to secure and maintain recovery for myself?' (You will get as much from the program as you are willing to put in. It can sometimes be painful or disturbing but the support is there to assist you through the tough times if you are willing to ask for help.)
'Am I prepared to be Honest, Open and Willing?' (This is the 'HOW' it works. You don't have to be perfect. As long as you are prepared to be honest, keep an open-mind and are willing to change and learn new things then recovery is possible.)
'Do I truly believe in my heart that I deserve to heal and find a better way of living?' (Be careful here that low self-esteem or self-sabotage demons don't answer for you.)
'Am I willing to make a committment to myself and my own recovery?'
These may seem like tough questions but they will help clarify where you're at. My question to you is 'Are you giving up on Al-Anon or are you giving up on yourself?'
It is perfectly 'normal' to discover or recognise things about yourself that you do not like and the fact that you're uncomfortable with it is a good sign. It means you want to change. Al-Anon can give you the skills to become the person you truly want to be. You cannot erase an intrinsic part of yourself but you can become aware of it and either minimise it or improve on it. If it's a genuine character defect God will help you remove it. Some of our 'ugly bits' are purely defence-mechanisms or survival skills we learned that no longer serve our purpose and these can be replaced with positive, healthy responses.
I had my own little process for dealing with some of the ugliness I found within myself. I would like to share it with you in case it may help.
FACE IT: Become aware of the thinking/behaviour that is a problem
TRACE IT: Try to establish where you think it comes from and why
EMBRACE IT: Accept that you did the best you could with what you had at the time but it no longer needs to be that way. Forgive yourself.
ERASE IT: The thinking/behaviour no longer serves your best interests. To erase it, ask God to remove your shortcomings. Refuse to participate in the same thinking and behaviour patterns. You may 'slip' from time to time but thats ok, it's a process and it's about progress not perfection.
REPLACE IT: Nothing exists in a vacuum therefore if you remove something you need to put something else in it's place. Where possible fill the void with Gods love. You can replace negative thinking/behaviour with positive, healthy responses. Use the tools of the program. Sometimes we try something new and it doesn't work out for us, that's ok too, just try something different.
Finally, you mentioned that your husband has been in AA for 16 years. There are some who get sobriety by 'putting a plug in the jug' but they don't have 'true' recovery if they're not living in the program and working the steps. The 'dry drunk' is the behaviours without the alcohol. If they're truly working the program then they work on their attitudes and behaviours also. You are no more responsible for your husbands recovery than you were for his alcoholism. Marriage is a partnership, if yours is failing you are not solely responsible. Please remember, even if your marriage fails it doesn't mean that you are a failure. I would encourage you to persevere with Al-Anon for your own sake but of course it's entirely your own choice.
Now, I've 'talked' myself silly I'm going to shut up! I just hope in sharing all this I've helped in some way.
While I am new to Alanon, I am not new to the 12 step program itself. You mentioned coming in, getting a sponsor and starting to work the steps. You did not mention getting all the way through working the steps. This is important, because in my experience in my other program, I found that I really needed to get through a large portion of the steps in order to really be able to start letting go of things and stop the Karen-bashing, etc....Steps 4-9 really had a HUGE impact on my perspective and my life. In the other program I belong to, they always say, "Don't stop 5 minutes before the miracle happens!" I just want to encourage you to do the same. Rather than coming in and out, stick around and be present for the miracle.
In the meantime, waiting for the changes that came with working the steps, I had to learn to lighten up a bit with myself, stop taking myself so seriously and stop beating myself up. I really talked to my sponsor a LOT! It helped.
When it comes to dealing with my As (son, father and ex), even when I am working my program more diligently, things are better. I find it much easier to stay on my side of the street. I find it much easier to keep my side of the street clean, as well. I do get lax with my program at times, and it is during those times that I am more irritable towards my As, I have less patience and tolerance and become excruciatingly brutal with myself.
I don't know if this helps at all, but it's how it's worked for me up to this point.
Remember, you're not alone. And I'm sure beyond a shadow of a doubt, not even having met you yet, that YOU are worth sticking it out for - with Alanon, that is!
HI, geez had such a good start and my cat Winapurr made it disappear.
Hello, I bet like many of us, your self talk is very negative. My experience is I would say in my head, you are too fat to live, you can never make love becuz you are too fat, just dumb stuff. I was not even overwieght in the first place.
Well anyway, I would hear this bs and say, "STOP!" in my head and say: "I am ok just how I am. "
Started liking my hair, my spirit, my honesty. Learned it is ok to love me. The me that is unique.
No one can make anyone be A or not be A. You have NO CONTROL over that at all. Can you make a person have MS? NO. It is a disease. NOTHING you do has any bearing on it.
Start today, take care of you. Your A needs you to take care of you, it makes them feel better to know their A crap does not affect you. It lessens their guilt for hurting the ones they love.
Sometimes things do get too heavy when we are really wanting to learn alanon. I don't see how anyone can walk away actually.
It is more like you are not ready to digest anymore right then. That is ok. In my experience alanon is a journey. It, for me is growth in my social life, love life, well it is growth in every part of me.
I take a day at a time, surrender to the creator as my hp, worry very rarely now. When things happen, there is no panic. I know things will be ok.
These are life skills used with everything, not just the A.
You sound like you have worked very hard at this. I hope you can just slow down and clean up those negative thoughts that only hurt you.
The thing is that they kept telling me that even though I may not feel like coming, that is when I needed to go the most. I didnt understand it then, but I just did what they said and I was there, pretty much just in body, not in mind lol. Because I did what they said, I learned and my life changed -- not over night. All I knew was that I couldn't keep going the way I was. Something had to give and it wasn't going to be the A.
I'm ok with that today, it's a part of who I am. Others can take what they like and leave the rest. Before you give up on Al-Anon again, try asking yourself a few questions. 
And I'm sure beyond a shadow of a doubt, not even having met you yet, that YOU are worth sticking it out for - with Alanon, that is!