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I was lucky to have a nice stepfather. Honest and consistent. He gave my mum 30 years of happy marriage. He passed away six weeks ago. I knew that my side of the family- brothers and sister would create shenanigans. They absolutely refuse to have anything religious at a funeral, for a start. Not considering anyone elses beliefs and feelings at all.
My relationship with my sister is toxic. She did not come- but I felt she cast a shadow over proceedings, anyway. My stepfather had eight kids- and the oldest son ran proceedings completely... ...he is an okay guy and acting on orders.
My two brothers were called up to speak and they said they were speaking on behalf of themselves, sister and our mother.
I wasn't even called up to stand with them.
While other grandchildren got up to speak- and pay their respect, our daughters did not get that opportunity
I actually walked out and stood by the door to follow the rest of the funeral.
I am not so surprised at all this- it is really the story of my life. Just my role in the family.
I don't allow myself to feel hurt. I have learned to detach- and see it as the disease speaking.
Sorry to read about this David even though you say you are not hurt. At the end of the day, such appalling behaviour ( and in my view it is appalling) is a reflection on them. I hope you have had the opportunity to say goodbye in your own way because it sounds like you liked this man and he meant something to you. That sentiment and recognising it in some way is nothing the other ones can touch, it is between you and the loved one and the higher power. Sending you lots of comforting vibes at this time.
Hey David Im sorry for your loss The one thing I have learned in alanon is that its never easy to deal with family. Its really hard when they dont want us to differentiate from our roles but we end up doing so because we have recovered and moved on. Stay strong, you got this
(((David))) I'm sorry for the loss of your stepfather and glad you had a good relationship and he was loving to your mom. Others will be who they are, control what they can. You showed up and honored a man who made a difference in the lives of yourself and your mother. your memories of him will always be yours to carry with you and as well as those of him and your mom together.
You can be proud of the way you carried yourself under such circumstances and in the presence of your own children. You carried yourself with dignity and were respectful while hurting. We say in Alanon "Hurt people, hurt people," but didn't react nor retaliate. Instead, you acted with grace and maturity and let it go. Thank you for sharing. I wish you healing and peace. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
(((David))) - family to me is the most baffling of all life situations. I too do what I can to detach from 'it' when possible and try to remember that how others act/react/are is not a reflection on me - it's about them. It is after spending time with family that I am more likely to do mini-inventories seeking out what happened, what I did/didn't do that was different/better and how that affected the outcome. I have a hard time feeling progress when I am entrenched with family for too long, and this helps me see that while my family is still dysfunctional, my contribution to the chaos is less than before.
You got this and you are worthy! In this MIP family, you are an equal, always free to stand up, share, etc. I am very grateful for my recovery family and the support I get from it. I didn't know until I arrived that we can select an extended family for love, support, etc. Keep doing you - looks great on you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I am sorry to read of your step-father's death, and the effect (even though you said it does not bother you) of how the service was run. I thought that you stood for yourself, while keeping respect for your step-father intact. Good program knowing that their actions are a result of the disease within this family, and that you need to detach.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Hi David-My family is so broken I don't think we can be a unit again. From my FOO, there are 4 children. I'm 2nd oldest. For the past 20 years the siblings are split off. There are always people mad at other people and not speaking or seeing each other. I'm the only one who speaks to everyone. It's one of the saddest things to me. I have stopped trying to fix everyone. I can only be the person I want to be ODAT, Lyne
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