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Hi, I have yet to start the steps of alanon however, I have attended a few meetings. My on Ana doff boyfriend of four years just came back from rehab two weeks ago. Throughout our whole relationship he had promised to get help or get better and I kept holding onto his promises that never came true. Eventually I broke things off because he loved the drug more than me. I have always supported him and have been there for him through thick and thin. I visited him in rehab. He called me the last two weeks he was there. Finally when he came home, I knew things would be different. I didnt know the new him essentially and he would attend meetings at least three times a week, get a sponsor, and go to therapy. But he started being very distant with me. We hung out the first couple days he got back and he said he loved me and wanted to try things again. I didnt need a serious commitent and I want him to put his recovery above all else. To me his health is most important. But does that mean he cant have other people in his life, people who arent in AA or recovering? We got into a huge fight because he told me this is what he needs to focus on, but thats not my problem with the situation. He is just being distant and not making any time for me. I know he doesnt go to meetings 7 days of the week. I feel sort of betrayed. I have been there for him through it all and now that hes getting healthier I dont fit into his new life. I just needed him to tell me how he feels about me Im not asking him to hang out with me seven days a week. Now we arent speaking and I feel a bit bad since this is only his third week home. Has anyone else experienced something like this? Maybe he doesnt love me anymore but he is not communicating with me at all so how would I know that. I dont think his recovery should be an excuse for rude behavior or not communicating but I get that does play a role in things.
Aloha Soul searcher and welcome to the board. Stick around and read the entries that were brought here before you arrived. You will find that all of us have been there and done that to some degree or other. Alcoholic/addict partners and spouses are deeply affected mind, body, spirit and emotions by the mind and mood altering chemicals they have been addicted to. They are different and I learned that having expectations that my spouse would somehow be normal was my part in the insanity of this disease. She was different before we met, after we met and up to the present day.
We hear in Al-Anon that expectations are future resentments and I for one can say that is very true. We get affected and accustomed to the insanity and it also drives us crazy. Part of the definition of alcoholism that I adhere to today is that we become as sick or sicker than the alcoholic because we don't have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality and there fore go thru the insanity wide awake. Yeppers that was and is true for this Al-Anon Family Group member and it is why I try to live and walk the program daily which helps me in all of my relationships.
I suggest from my experiences in the program that you read and understand the steps and practice them daily along with listening to and taking action on the suggestions which come from within the program.
I echo what Jerry shared.
When my wife first got sober, she was fresh out of jail, living with her mom, and we didn't talk much. We've since reconciled, but I needed to give her the time and space she needed to focus on herself, her recovery, and how she wanted to walk through the world now that she wasn't being numbed by alcohol.
For me, the distance was a relief. I had gotten quite sick myself, living with an active alcoholic for 5 years. I needed to take the time for myself to focus on my own recovery and my own way back to myself. That's a journey I am still on, three years later, and I am making fantastic progress. I work the AlAnon program daily, and it really helps me to keep things in perspective.
Keep coming back, you are in the right place. (((hugs)))
__________________
Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
