The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Forgiveness: Today's reading talks about the most loving form of detachment, which is forgiveness. It doesn't wipe the slate clean, or pronounce someone "not guilty." Forgiveness cuts the strings of resentment that bind them to a problem or past hurt. By releasing resentment, you set yourself free.
Today's Reminder: Every time I try to tighten the noose of resentment around someone's neck, I am really only choking myself. Today I will practice forgiveness instead.
Quote from In All Our Affairs: A part of me wants to cling to old resentments, but I know that the more I forgive, the better my life works.
Prior to program I was committed to not forgiving my A. I thought if I forgave her, I would be susceptible to her lies and alcoholic behaviors . I thought holding onto the anger and resentment, somehow protected me. But I came to realize that it didn't protect me at all, and instead, it kept me attached to her in a very unhealthy way. In essence, it kept the cycle of sickness going for me. Program has taught me to detach with love, and I have forgiven her, yet I am stronger than ever. I do truly feel set free, Lyne
Thank you for today's daily and your service Lyne. It's heading into Sunday evening for me and the church bell has just pealed for the days final service. I never attend, preferring to work through concepts using the spiritual programme I have come to find meets my needs, being the 12 steps and te ao Maori, the world of the Maori. Many years ago in the latter, the concept I was given, is that every feeling has a practical application alongside the acceptance that health and wellbeing are interwoven between mind body spirit. Forgiveness and resentment have applications in my life whether conscious or not. Resentment for me is usually not conscious until it becomes glaring obvious which it did a self few years ago. It was our Betty who taught me that forgiveness begins with myself and of myself. In alanon I was taught to look for my part in it; in my family this looked like blame and harsh self criticism. I could not therefore be kind and loving to another when I had not learned to be so to myself. In terms of the disease, I had not at the time of marriage come to accept myself as an alcoholic. I had taken the hard line view that since I had quit drinking ( also somewhat resentfully but equally so gratefully) it was just weakness on the part of all of my loved ones who in my view refused to grow up, accept reality and quit. Then I started to actively attend AA again and heard this. " I wasn't a bad person, I was a sick person". That was like a key to my own release because I didn't need to be perfect and thus bury my drinking past, I just needed to accept it and forgive it, which I did. Through both of these programmes, I began to stop seeing my loved one as a demi-god and instead as a human being. I had many expectations, some of them quite reasonable, but never could he please me as long as I continued to put him in a role he never asked for, Ideal Husband according to Me. This also stopped me from seeing all the things about him which were appreciable and turned me into a rather angry, bitter permanently frowned person. I blamed him for that too. I gave away my own power with blaming but took it back when I forgave. I learned to be compassionate with myself first and there remains my priority in order to promote both positive new relationships and to forgive and release older dysfunctional ones. What a long post. Sunday evening begins. Thanks again for the opportunity to reflect.
Hello Lyne Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this important topic. I so appreciate the alanon tools( The slogans, steps and meetings) that helped me to let go of resentments and so set myself free of the pain of the past. What a gif. t I can now look at he past, see the lessons I have learned and move on with a little more wisdom . I am ever grateful Thanks for your service
Thank you for your service Lyne! Great shares and reminder. I'm struggling today because I've made amends, not because I had done anything wrong, but because I knew the other person was upset with my boundary. (My goal was to create space for a softer landing.) The other party forgave and I thought there was peace. Today, I've come to find that the other person has been bad-mouthing me. Apparently she still feels wronged.
I recognize that I used to do this with others... not letting go and letting resentment endlessly cycle in my head... thinking this is a normal healthy way to be.
I now realize how much resentments hurt when we have trouble letting them go. I'm grateful for the program and MIP support as I continually practice.
good morning MIP! And thanks for your service, Lyne!
I really liked the topic about forgiveness and detachment, but for me, the thing that stuck out was the author's reminder that we do not need to tolerate the intolerabel, that wallowing in negativity will not change the situation, that if there is action to take, we are free to take it, and where we are powerless to change the situation, we can turn it over to HP and let it go. For me, I noticed that I've been reflecting a lot on my progress in the program, and I noticed this weekend again that things I would have in the past chalked up to out of my control and turning over to HP I see now that I do have the ability to make change. This is the benefit, I think, of working the program and focusing on myself and what I am doing. Things are starting to fall into place and really make sense - something I thought was already happening, but with more time and practice, is notably different for me now. I can trace the difference back to loving detachment, and forgiveness.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Thank you Lyne for the daily and your service. Thanks to all for the shares and ESH on this topic. Forgiveness in my program was not optional, it was a necessity for forward progress. I love how it suggests it doesn't right the wrongs or wipe the slate free - instead frees up our hearts for growth and additional recovery lessons.
I learned a much better definition of forgiveness in recovery and can live with that! I too had to forgive myself and learn to love myself before I had real success with others. My sponsor has always suggested I need to thank God for the pain and then pray for the other person/people. This made no sense to me until it did seem to work and while I don't fully understand how it works, I just accept that it does.
I am also grateful that our program and all the tools allow us to detach from unacceptable behavior as well as from how others react/respond in life. I was one who took most things personally which did nothing but consume my mind with negativity and hold me hostage. My days are much, much better when I can use our tools and keep things as simple as possible.
Happy Monday all - off to a golf lesson in a while and having tacos with gal pals later! Make it a great day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I dont know why, it must be a glitch in me, but forgiveness for some people Just kind of sticks in my throat. So what I do to get around that is some people are just unforgivable So what I do is I just express to my higher power within, my willingness to give up the resentment and revenge and hate for this person. There is only one human being who is now deceased that I honestly can say I will never forgive for his evil against me however as I evolve in the program I am forgiving me for being a powerless little child and not able to protect myself and also I have told my higher power within me that I am willing to give up the hate and resentment that I have felt for this person all these years because I do not want to hurt me anymore. He never cared about What he did, he never felt sorrow or remorse so my working on giving up the resentment is a gift to me and has nothing really to do with him.
I think forgiveness is a byproduct of recovery however, that said, I know I must, if I want to move forward, give up all the resentment And hate and bitterness for myself and only for myself. He doesnt even enter the equation.
-- Edited by mamalioness on Tuesday 16th of October 2018 05:16:44 AM
So I was purposely radio silent yesterday. Oct. 15th was a very special day. It was the day I chose to bind myself with another person in marriage and live happily ever after. Yesterday would've been 30 years. Except life did not work out that way. So to avoid feeling sad about this, I just avoided dealing with the day. How sad for me! If I would've done my usual routine, I would've checked in here and saw the most appropriate post for this day!!!
"Forgiveness cuts the strings of resentment that bind them to a problem or past hurt. By releasing resentment, you set yourself free."
To be honest, I was holding onto a little resentment b/c my Ex texted me early that morning... that he was "1 year sober today, and thanked me." I was resentful b/c he has texted me this before, with the emphasis on this day. But I know he wasn't alcohol free at the time. So I allowed his muddled-brain perception to cause a road bump in my serenity.
In reading this post - although one day late - I can appreciate that he was in the depth of his disease and this is his choice to cling to this date. It is his reality only. There is no need for it to be my reality, no need for me to be "correct!" It no longer matters. I understand now that at times I still grieve "What would've been... what should've been." Not the reality. But by releasing resentment, I can set myself free!
In all honesty though, it is much easier to embrace forgiveness when I am "outside" his scope of influence. I am not sure if I could do it if I had chosen to stay in the marriage... so I have a HUGE amount of respect for those who do and can work their own program and stay in serenity!!
Thank you Lyne for your service, as this has uplifted me more than you know! Thank you to all who shared!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
