The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thirty-one years ago on the Sunday past, I ended up at a treatment center. I can readily admit that I did NOT go voluntarily; I had a nudge from a judge as I had two serious court cases/charges against me from 2 different states. I tied on the biggest 'one' possible on that day, thus consider 10/8 as my sobriety date.
For those of you who have loved ones with addiction, I would love to be able to tell you why I did not ever relapse. I would love to give you the magic 'potion' or 'process' so you could pass it alone. What I can tell you is I NEVER intended to stay sober. I had an alternative plan - please the courts, get out of trouble, carry-on as before.
I did go to prison and I did have parole. Prison did not deter my disease as it wasn't my first time. Yet, in spite of the disease calling my name all day every day, I had a fundamental message flowing in my mind that, "Three Strikes - You're Out." with felony charges. I had two convictions already.
I could write a book, but will not. Instead what I will share is the miracles of recovery. From the first AA meeting I went to, I felt a part of for the first time. Those present spoke my language - low self-esteem, low self-worth, self-medicating to cover pain, denying, lying, etc. They were pointed, direct and taught me about the disease and how it progresses if not treated. I played the game for the entire time I was on paper, and still fully intended to return to my life as before.
Yet, when I was off paper, I stood at a cross-roads. For the very first time since I first altered my mind, I had actually been clean/sober for a while - a long while for me. I had a decent job, my bills were paid, some family were speaking to me, I had great friends and support and I was clear-headed enough to see what recovery offered me vs. what my previous life offered me.
I then began One Day at a Time - just for today, I won't drink. I got a sponsor and worked on recovery. I trudged forward and really embraced a different way of life. I met and married another in recovery and we had 2 kids. Needless to say, it's been far from 'happily ever after' and I found myself on the other side of the table, in need of Al-Anon support/recovery.
I really thought because I had a spiritual life and sobriety that I was getting screwed by God....I arrived at Al-Anon with the ultimate level of insanity, wondering why on Earth I could not fix/control/change/cure those I love who were battling this family disease. I was frustrated when others in Al-Anon suggested I needed to focus on me, change me and that I might be part of the problem. My ego did NOT want to hear this and I certainly didn't accept it.
I returned to crazy-making, controlling behaviors for a while until the disease broke me. I came back to Al-Anon and nobody ridiculed me for leaving the first time. Nobody said, "I told you so..." and still not a single loving person told me what to do - they offered suggestions based on their own ESH. Once again, I felt a part of and less alone. I surrendered readily to being powerless over the disease, the diseased, other places and things and added Al-Anon recovery to my journey.
The Miracles I've experienced in recovery include, but are not limited to:
- A lovely conversation with my A son today, which I've hoped for over the last 13+ years.
- A daily reprieve from the need to self-medicate as an alcoholic.
- A higher power who I surrender to each morning, who guides me each day and wants me happy, healthy, whole and helpful.
- An open mind and open heart to be willing to try new things, allow others to be themselves and to love and accept them unconditionally.
- A healthy obsession/focus on self - healing, health, exercise, activity, fellowship, etc.
- A freedom from obsession about other people, places and things.
- A level of peace, joy and serenity that I didn't know existed.
- A willingness to be present and to learn from the past with no regrets.
- Ownership of my part, my choices, my mistakes with no shame/remorse.
- And so many more but I know most don't like extremely long posts!
I owe my life to recovery - both sides of the house. I've learned how to make molehills out of mountains and how to accept and love others unconditionally as they are with no judgement. I am grateful for the gentle souls who came before me and loved me before I could love myself. I am grateful they taught me how to be a gentle soul who loves others until they can love themselves. I am grateful for the disease that we all love to hate as it brought me to a new way of living, of being and of loving. It also brought me here to MIP - which I am eternally grateful for.
I share to give hope. Recovery is possible for any/all who want it. I am talking about walking the walk - not just talking the talk recovery. One Day at a Time, it does get better (and better and better).
Thanks for letting me share! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
I am in awe of your program each day! Today, I do occasionally catch myself saying, "Now, what would IAH do?" LOL!
Thank you for sharing your story!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
PnP - I just about spit my coffee out on the 'what would IAH do'.....simply because, when I pause, I often ask myself, "What would an adult do? Followed by a sane adult and still followed by a normal, sane adult...." Just sayin - we are live, learn and love in recovery as equals so I take no credit at all for where I am, instead just remain grateful often/always for the miracles WE experience in recovery!!
Thanks all. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks for sharing, IAH, and congrats on your soberversary! Love your post, as it strengthens my hope I can get where you are someday. Thank you for existing (I think its a wonderful idea that it is completely enough to just be exactly who we are, nothing more needed)
Thank you for Sharing this, I didn't know this part of Your Story, so I'm Grateful for you Honesty and Recovery :) and a HUGE Congrats on your Sobriety What an Amazing Milestone... I Hope one Day I Myself will Reach and Share ;)
The End of this Month will make 8 years without Alcohol in my Life, (Well Minus those two times HP Got me at Different Communions) :/
But What a Journey its Been :) So Glad your Here and Growing along Side, Keep on Keeping on :)
This is the most honest share I have read/heard in a long while. Thanks for it particularly I never intended to stay sober and feeling like God had screwed you over.
I can't say I intended sobriety the first time I consciously decided to stop drinking. I met a recovering alcoholic who must have seen it in me, she gave me a ride home from a court ordered counselling session for seperation as a 21 year old. She shared that alcoholism is progressive, it never gets better. That sat in my basket for years. I have always been able to stop when motherhood required it of me. But I certainly never intended that to be a permanent state of affairs. I figured one day, I would be able to obliterate myself out of existence once I had acheived xyz and a. I am pleased to say I have had my mind changed in that regard though I am still learning how to live happily without mind altering substances and relationships and shopping. As I write that out, I see the hand of my higher power in my life at the moment. I am learning gratitude for the simple things which I suspect is where true happiness is to be found.
(((a4l))) - my personal experience is it's a daily struggle for me to look to HP and my heart for the 'real joy' vs. the 'quick fix'. I too have leaned into a variety of addictive behaviors - food, gambling, shopping, etc. - and for me, it's a daily prayer asking for God's will and his version of balance for my life, just for today. Balance is natural for some, for me it's not - it's a daily struggle/effort across the board.
And yes - acceptance and gratitude are often where I find my mojo when I get left of center. A lovely man I met in recovery who had health issues, was homeless, broken-down car and a sick dog ended his shares each/every time with - "It's all about the gratitude...." and he was a huge inspiration to me for a long, long while. He passed late last year and that was on his obituary because he said it always/everywhere/so often.
Where there is breath, there is hope. Where there is hope, there is growth. Where there is growth, there is grace. One moment and one day at a time!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
