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Boy this Disease I Swear sits like a Gargoyle on a Post Waiting to Attack at any moment in my Family...
One of the Hardest things I have had to work on thru my Own addiction is "Judgment" In my Family Everyone Judges Everyone (Mostly Based on Opinion) Never on Honest Truth, because Honestly I don't know if One or Any could Tell the Truth even if it was about themselves...
My Husband & I just this past weekend Sent on our Anniversary weekend away, and 2-3 days before we left, I had mentioned to All that I wanted the 4 days I Was Gone to be Stress Free...
Long Story short, I have One member 'A' that knows what is Best for 'EVERYONE' yet their life is more of Mess then the Rest of us... Due to Poor Choices and then there is the Other Member 'B' who has busted Butt to break away from the Insanity by going to school for Over 10 years to get her Masters to Learn to Help Mental Illness.. "I told her she could get plenty of practice just thru our Blood line!" Sadly :/
Well A has ALWAYS Since Birth it Feels been Jealous of B, However, B had never in my Eyes ever made 'A' Feel less then or Not Included, yet A always has to say something Negative about B (there is 3 yrs between them, B being the oldest)... Its Insane, and I have over these last few years, just backed away Slowly and let them Work out their Own Junk and Not Got involved...
Well while away B contacted me because she couldn't understand why A... wanted to hurt her so badly, A-went as far as Running into B's boyfriend and told him lie after Lie about B, and Of Course He then went home, Jumped All Over B and LEFT HER, on the Word of A... Yes he has some Insecurity issues as well :/ (What a Circus) and is an Alcoholic, that QUIT about a year ago, with no Program :(
So B starts Blowing up my Phone in Total Devastation, she is Crushed, her Son (3) is Crushed because his Daddy Left Mommy, and Me REALLY Trying to Work My Program and NOT be Judgmental about the Whole deal am now left with trying to get B calmed down so she can at least get some Sleep after working 3 shifts back to back with no Sleep! What a Nightmare...
And the VERY Next Day! A... Is Talking about how people should just be Honest, and Talk their Truth but, NOT To Talk the Truth of Others????? The Same One that 18hours before Broke up a Family speaking someone elses "Truth/Untruths? Not Because anyone of them did something to Her... Just because She Felt the Need to Share "Her Opinion of their Truth?"
Boy I Tell ya, HP Had me Reeling for awhile, but I'm So Grateful that I thought Out EVERY Word that I Sent back to B... I Grateful that I didn't Jump on Either Side, and Just focused on Her doing what 'She Felt' was Right for Her! Now Sadly this means that she will Not be Spending Holidays with us this Year, because of A... Because she don't feel she can Pretend to be "Okay" with how this went down, and she don't feel Speaking to A would do any More then Cause One or the Other Harm! and I told her I Respect that...
But Holy Jeepers... It is So Hard for me to Look at A and Not want to Open my Mouth, Not want to Judge, and Condemn her as she so Freely Does Others, and Loses No Sleep over it... It Breaks My Heart because I love them Both, but Also know its Not My Battle to Overcome, but at the same time, I Have Compassion for One, and Anger for the Other... Because when speaking to the Other she is always so "Self Righteous" about Everything, and Nothing is Ever her Fault, even if she Stirred it and Made it so...She is Constantly Meddling in Others affairs...
I Can't even Drive 300 miles from home without being Affected by this Disease, and I Never would have Engaged with B had it not been her Desperate attempts to Reframe from Confronting A and wanting to Knock her OUT! Which wouldn't have solved Anything... That Much I Do Know, From Experience :/
This Illness Runs so DEEP in my Family, and its So True to state that it Effects EVERY Member whether they Chose to Drink or Not!
I'm Grateful my Program allowed me to be there for B... and to Stay on my Side of the street while I did... Hard is an Understatement because My Gut Always wants to jump on the Judgment ban wagon because that is Easy for me, but My Program teaches me that even if I am There in Support, Other Peoples Problems are NOT Mine to sort out, but theirs to handle... I Have Prayed for 2 days I did the Right the thing, and Now I Find Myself Praying I Can keep my Trap SHUT at the Next Encounter with A... because I know for a Fact... She will be Busting at the Gut to Tell Me about running into B's Boyfriend, but I Also know not much Truth will come from that Conversation, Only Allegations & Opinions! I Pray HP Puts his Arms around my Heart, and Hand Over My Mouth! and Gives me the Freedom to "Vote with My Feet!" and Get out of there...
Boy do the waters run Deep around here :/ Thanks for Letting me Share, I Hope ya'll could Follow/Relate to some of my Insanity...lol
Grateful for a Program to Save me when it is So Easy to Go Back to Old ways... Old Unhealthy Ways to Boot But I'm Trying...
(((Jozie))) - so sorry your mini vacation was interrupted....that's a bummer and yet, I do understand and can so relate! I agree that the disease runs deep and it grows wider when there is no treatment/recovery. Like you say, even those without an alcoholic problem are affected because it's a family disease.
I am not sure how or why, but our family does lay down all swords to gather for holidays, each having the personal choice to attend/not. Most of the time, most attend. We've had theft from family by family, Crashing of borrowed cars from family by family, all kinds of trash-talking, judging, etc. for as long as I've been alive and I am always grateful to see everyone and more grateful when I return home. Much like you, I am grateful I have a program and a bit sad that others don't.
I am reminded that many (myself included before I arrived) decline recovery and prefer denial. It's not that it's 'fun' it's just all that's known. For me and many in my family, I see the patterns from forever ago - some are black-sheep, some are know-it-alls, some are controlling, others are passive, some are mean drunks and some are funny drunks - each has a role and they don't much like change even if it's for the good.
I am sending you tons of thanks for your honest share, and hugs, prayers and positive energy. I am so grateful when things are smooth in my FOO - it's much better for my joy and serenity! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
((Jozie)) I am sorry that your time off was so disrupted. The lesson to learn here is that next time do not pickup the phone This is indeed a dreadful challenging situation and i see you usied your tools to stay in your hula hoop and not jump in to control I know the temptation and admire your courage . Good job my dear you .
That did indeed sound crazy-making! But it appears that you handled it well & have a keen insight into what your next actions might be vs should be and asking your HP for guidance. I too admire your courage and program!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thank you, and Yes, My family is so messed up from this disease, Normally my FOO family will let things go and Share the holidays' as well, However in this situation, B is a blood-but a "Half" and even tho my Mom didn't birth her, she still always felt Honored to have All my Dad's kids Under one Roof... My Mom is a Rare Breed :) and I think sometimes that is why B may feel like she can't come.. I Pray she changes her Mind and works things out. but with her Working 70-80 hrs week, I Don't know when that would be...The Girl Barely takes time to breathe...
Yes & Like your Family, I too have Monkey's from all walks of Life, I Say that In Humor because one of My Favorite Quotes is: "Not My Circus, Not My Monkeys" I Also have had Thieving of Money, Meds, Booz... Sanity! Many Car Crashes, and Brutal Family fights, but the first set of Dad's kids all seem to brush it under the rug till the holiday's end then we just go back to life a normal as we can... but the 2 half siblings where raised away from us more or less, so they don't have the Closeness the 1st 3 have, tho we have always tried to make them Welcome in my Mom's home and for the most part they have been Very well at receiving it ;) They Just don't seem to bounce back as well... And Tend to Shy away in Troubled times... I'm Praying that things will smooth over, I just don't think "Right NOW!" B can Trust herself in the presents of A but Fingers Crossed it will pass :)
(((HUGS))) And Thank you All for Following this Insanity, and Betty you are So Right... I know better then have my Phone on, However in this case, My Son was Home Running Our Business for the First time by himself (So Proud) so I Had to have it ON for him... But I Should not have responded to B For Sanity's Sake.... but I know me well enough to know, I would have worried about it, so I guess it happened the way it should :/
And Thank you P&P Seems Crazy Making is Normal in these Parts, I'm Just Grateful HP Knows when to put his hand over my Mouth and Lead me Out of the Picture :)
So Grateful for all the love & Kindness that you all Share so Openly & Honestly... Thank you :)
But I'm Trying... 
