The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH is adopted And met many of his brothers and sisters through ancestry.com.
These people are in town tonight and he wants to have dinner with them I'm ok with that. However he texted me to call his IOP program to tell them he will not be there tonight because of a work crisis. I told him to call them himself and tell the truth. The text I got back from him was OMG.
In my newish introduction to the program, I felt like I finally did the right thing!
Even though I do not think he will be drinking tonight because his siblings know have had experience with alcoholics and know he is in recovery, I still feel he should take responsibility for his actions and I should not have to do that for him.
Is that a good baby step?
I believe like you did the right thing, even though it may not be easy and others might not like it. And it was a brave thing to do. It is suggested that we not do something for someone that they are able to do themselves.
((Carla))I too support your decision I see that you have checked your motives and are comfortable with your decision Checking my motives always helped so keee on keeping on . This is a difficult road that we walk
I also support the decision you made. it is difficult at first to impose boundaries, but it is so worth it for you and serenity. Go you!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
You did the right thing. Without question. Great for you!!! His reaction is because you didn't do what he wanted you to. Because you weren't his partner in the lie. Because you weren't "in it" with him. You are right -- he needs to take ownership and responsibility for his own decisions, his own actions, and any potential consequences as a result of his own decisions and actions! That is more than a baby step you made. That is a major step!!! Great for you. Keep doing it.
Talk to your sponsor for support and confirmation, and for positive reinforcement for you and of your program!
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
FWIW - I would've said the same thing you did! There was a time when I bent over backwards to "hide" my AH's behaviors. I began to get some sort of serenity when I stopped lying for him.
Sending you support!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
You did the right thing and it saves such a lot of drama for yourself and as a bonus consequence, for everyone around you. I honestly doubt an IOP (which i'm reading as Intensive Outpatient Programme)would go " Oh no problem, thank you for calling" to an early recovering persons partner ringing up under the pretext of a work crisis. That just has bs written all over it. Great job!
I Definitely have Experience in this Department...lol And Let me First Say... YES! You Did a WONDERFUL Justice to your other in Allowing him to Make it Own Calls...
My Family... Mostly My Mom, would do this to me, Anything she felt the Other would Shame her, or Put her Down, she would Lay at my Feet & say... "Just Call them and tell them ABC..."
And Once I Joined Al-Anon and Started Working my Program FOR ME! I Realized she only did this when it would Cause Ill Feelings for HER! It Didn't Matter that I was "Lying? Or How it Made ME Feel!" It was All about her Passing the buck onto someone Else...
I Now know that I Don't have to DO anything for Another Person, and I Sure the heck don't have to Lie for ANYONE... No is a Complete Sentence in my House now, and When it is Said, I Need NO Explanation to Why I Chose to say it... It Took my Family a LONG Time to Accept it, but I'm So Grateful I Stuck to my Guns, and Now Stand up for Myself and that them Deal with their Own Junk!
I will keep coming back! You all have helped me realize things I never expected to occur.
Again, new to this, not new to the disease.
You all enlighten me every day.
Checking in to a demonstration of "the courage to change the things I can". Good for your Carla and Thanks to you and the board Family for putting it out here. Yay!! ((((hugs))))
We are not responsible for anyone else nor their choices. If you didn't want to and did not feel comfortable then you made the right step. Good for you! :D
