The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Where to begin? Some of you are aware of my story.
My A = Husband, Alcoholic, Cocaine Addict = My Insanity
I have spent the last 3 weeks ignoring my A b/c of his disappearing acts where he drinks & gets high for days at a time. I figure that it is easier to pretend he isn't even there and build this wall around myself so I can keep my strength & courage to follow through w/leaving him.
Monday he took out his little pic-ax & started tearing down my wall piece by piece AGAIN! He was home all day. I am guessing he lost his 3rd job in 3 months b/c of his addictions. So he was cleaning the kitchen when I walked in. Then he was so attentive to the kids. Laughing & playing. It broke my heart b/c they were eating him up. If a viewer from the would look at and think what a nice loving family we were. My wall started to weaken.
I cried everytime I got in the car Tues while I was running around - to work, getting my daughter to & from pre-school, back to work, back to the sitter. Everytime I was alone I cried. It was a really tough emotional day for me - & here is what added to it:
Tuesday afternoon he text messaged me: "I love you and our kids with all of my heart and I hope it's not too late for us. I miss us together. I am sorry and please remember me when I was a good man." So I replied:"I love you but you are breaking my heart. And I am scared of everything you are doing." His response: "You don't have to be scared anymore."
I had to think about this one for a while. What did that mean? So I decided to ask: "Why? You can't just quit. You need help to do it. Serious help. I have major questions for you that need honest answers."
Needless to say he didn't respond to this one. Go figure, huh? When I got home last night, he was dressed w/his shoes on. He had picked up the downstairs (toys were everywhere) and cleaned the kitchen. And once again he spent his time talking, laughing & playing w/the kids. The wall is crumbling more & more. And I hate that b/c it is just going to open me up for more heart ache when he decides he cannot fight that craving any more & he disappears again for several days.
This roller coaster ride it taking it's toll on me. I noticed it in my appearance for the 1st time Monday. I caught a glimse of myself in a hall mirror as I walked upstairs. I looked like a ghost. I have never been one to think I have ever been too thin - I could stand to lose another 5 pounds but my face was horribly withdrawn. It was weird looking. Even when I weighed 98 pounds 7 years ago (I was too thin then - I admit) my face didn't look like that. My cheeks were sucken in. I had dark circles under my eyes, which were red & blood shot. My color was kind of grey. Really scary. And I attribute it all to what my husband is doing to himself, to me, to us all. And get this - He looks like the picture of health.
Ok - I have written a novel. So sorry. I get to rambling. I don't even know what anyone could say in response to this post. I just needed to get it off my chest. Thanks for listening (reading). God Bless Everyone.
That is a tough thing to go through. I know I let my detachment start to drop when my AW does not drink for a while, even though I know she is going to do it all over again. I hope you can stay strong and continue to remember what you are dealing with. Best wishes!!
Do you go to face 2 face meeting? Do you have tons of literature that are available to us in the program and often times at no cost? Do you have a sponsor, someone who's recovery you admire and have asked for their support? I've read your earlier post and you have a strong desire for recovery and like you recognize your alky/addict needs to have others in recovery to change and recover himself, that is the very same suggestion that if taken will save your sanity and life. Your very life depends on it. Waiting and watching for him to change can only come out that you are glued and strapped and nailed into the seat of your roller coaster. You have no other choice othen than take the ride. That situation almost killed me and my motivation was normal "I can take care of this one and no one will ever find out." "It will all go away. Someday it will all get better. She didn't drink or use today; this may be the end of it! We should celebrate!!"
When I started focusing and taking care of me? She got back into recovery.
I remember how bad it feels, the way you feel right now. I remember not being able to recognize anything about me or caring for that matter except for putting my life on hold while I thougth that the thing for me to do was wait for her to get well.
There is no law that states that I must loose my life because another has decided to loose theirs. What do you think it feels like to love and be giving to yourself? (DO NOT ASK YOUR ALCOHOLIC/ADDICT FOR FEEDBACK)
Keep coming back. There's unconditional love for you here and ((((hugs)))).
I have found that I am only let down when I have have expectations of my husband. When I expect him to get help, when I expect things to go well. I have also found that when he is doing well I tend to forget that he is an addict and pretend it will jsut go away. I forget to work on myself.
I have found that I need to just enjoy the good days. Today is a good day and I will enjoy it and not worry about what tomorrow may or may not bring. It's hard when they have a couple of good days because you on one hand, expect them to last and on the other are always waiting on the other shoe to drop. Let the kids have their fun with him. I always find myself thinking that if this disease kills my husband, my children will have some positive memories.
Don't forget about setting your boundaries and sticking to them.
I loved the title of this post!!!! That is exactly how I feel! I try to make do without my husband. I try not to look at him and study him to see if he has been using. I try to keep myself occupied and taking care of my children and myself. Then he starts being nice and not acting weird, or I don't see the disappearance of things and I see no signs, so it appears he is clean and I get my hopes up. This disease his amd mine is awful!!!
Thanks so much EVERYONE for all of the support you give me. I am so grateful to have found this website/board. It really does help to get my thoughts out....the ones that bounce around in my head all day long. And the feedback helps break up the confusion and loneliness. I look forward to logging on every day, reading everyone's experiences and feedback and offering help and support whenever I can.
