The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Todays reading is about forgiveness, expectations, acceptance. The writer describes approaching his/her father to describe the hurt associated with growing up in an alcoholic home. The writer imagined airing out these hurts and hearing an apology (this was an expectation). Instead the father did not want to talk about the history of the family and described it as water over the dam. Over time the writer learned that he/she could practice forgiveness toward the father regardless of his reaction. The more that was learned about alcoholism the farther away from resentment the writer went. Through the program and self care the writer learned to accept things that he/she was able to change and those that were outside of his/her control.
I remember vividly (before coming to alanon) being in a cycle of expectation, disappointment and resentment toward my qualifier. When I came to alanon and began to feel the power associated with forgiveness and acceptance- rather than expectations, I felt my strength develop and realized that I could change my own situation more than Id ever realized.
There is a saying I can almost remember- please correct me if Im wrong: expectations are disappointments waiting to happen. I think thats it. At any rate- I know that is true for me; the more situations I approach without expecting from others, the more serenity I feel.
Good Morning Mary Love the thought that "Expectations are resentments waiting o happen" I know that prior to program my expectations (whih I thought were normal) lead me into numerous negative resentful places. Unknowingly, My thinking had become distorted from living with the disease Picking up the alanon tools such as the Steps, slogans, and keeping an open mind, I was lead to acceptance of the fact that I needed to change and that my expectations were unrealistic .
Today I am aware of the danger of expectations and try to approach every situations with an open mind
Thank you for your service.
Good morning Mary and Betty - happy Sunday! Thank you Mary for the daily and your service. Thanks to you both for your shares and ESH. I too came with unrealistic expectations of others, myself as well as the God of my youth. I also thought that what I thought was the right way, and had very black/white thinking.
What I have learned and continue to learn is when I set aside my ego and practice being open and humble, I have way better days and keep hold of my serenity. I am not responsible for the actions, attitudes and lives of anybody but me, and that's so freeing. Today, I can accept others as they are in this moment, and I trust that HP has a plan for all of us. Forgiveness of what was was absolutely necessary for me to get unstuck and move forward.
Letting go is so much easier with an intent of acceptance and forgiveness. I am willing to keep forgiving what I perceive to be wrongs simply because I see a direct correlation between forgiveness and acceptance and my joy and serenity. Anytime I am focused beyond my own hula-hoop, I run the risk (again) of giving my power away and forfeiting my serenity, even if only for a bit. I am willing today to do whatever is necessary to keep my serenity close for better enjoyment of the here/now.
I am off to a meeting shortly and we have a huge birthday party for the grands later today. I am excited because they are so, so excited. I learn so much by spending time with the little people in my life - they are a perfect example of living in the present and enjoying what is!!! Make it a great day!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Dear Mary,
Thank you for your service!! It is truly funny how something I need is put right in front of me when I need it... I only need to be open-minded! LOL!
Thank you to Betty and Iamhere for sharing their wisdom. I too, am learning that resentments send me to the "dark places..." behaviors I no longer wish to exhibit!
If you read my most recent post, I was so torn about attending a birthday party for my Ex, that my MIL invited me and Kid to today. I was planning on embracing the slogan "When in Doubt, Don't," but the farther into the week it became, the more that didn't sit right with me.
This morning I can live just this day. For this day, I still want to be like someone in the rooms that I admire. She still has a "good friends" relationship with her Ex, even though both have long since remarried. To do this, I need to live today in FORGIVENESS. No one else can probably understand it - I know my parent's can't - but no matter. It is for me only.
No, correction... I can see it is also modeling healthy behavior for my Kid.
Today I can work on my "relationship" with Resentments. I am better now at keeping my expectations from derailing my day. But in all honesty, this was/is the one area where I tend to disagree with Al-Anon. Marriage, at its most basic of elements is a contract. Very similar to business... except with a ton of emotional baggage! LOL! As such, there are certain expectations associated with this union of two people. It is almost impossible not to have resentments when your life-partner is not meeting up to the standards of the contract. I now see that in a "normal" relationship, these are brought up and addressed in some fashion (usually in couples therapy). But with addiction it is different. Addiction is a disease of the mind and the body. Notice I placed "Mind" first in that sentence... it was purposeful. Abuse of chemicals (no matter which ones) alters the chemistry of the brain. It's a fact that society still tends to ignore due to the stigma of addiction. However, for myself, knowing this made it easier to understand that "normal" relationship expectations just cannot apply in this situation... those expectations were just disappointments waiting to happen!
So, just for today, I can practice Acceptance & Forgiveness. I can go to this party with zero expectations... go because I want to see these people who have been an integral part of my life for 29 years and that I haven't seen since December. If something feels odd or I find myself at odds, I can just leave knowing that I am being true to myself and how I need to be to live a mentally healthful life.
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Saw this on another site and I thought it was meaningful...
"Forgiveness is an act of letting a burden and a pain be lifted off your soul so you can move on and move forward, regardless of whether he/she asks for it, regardless of whether he/she actually knows he is receiving it."
Peace
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thank you for this very good share this morning. I do not forgive my biological father. However, I noticed that I think about him and curse him less and less Because I have accepted that he Was completely incapable of being a better human being. He was what he was and that is never a place where I would want to be. So I began doing visualizations of just throwing my hate and resentment and bitterness regarding him into a big blue and white sort of lotus looking flower with a brilliant white center that just gleamsand glows. Or I would visualize myself with my hands up in the air and all the hate and bitterness and resentment going from my chest up through my armpits and out through my arms and my fingertips and out into the universe. I refuse to let him and his evil memories dominate my life anymore. He was a POS end of story and not my story anymore. I decided that the buck will stop with me and that I will reverse his evil by helping other victims of similar crimes want to live again and to stop hating themselves. Thats how I get even. I give out love and hope and compassion where he did not.
What happened to me does not define me anymore in regards to who I am and what I am. It is just something very dark and wicked that happened to me by someone who really should never have had children. He is not worth hating and cursing and eating myself up with resentment anymore. He is just not worth it. Neither is she for enabling him. They just are not worth it. And I have moved on in that I dont Give them free access to my head anymore. It is true, when I am battling with another survivor skill That sabotages me, I do have to go through the step and yes they do come in to my memories but I set boundaries on how long I want to go over them and what they did. I want to keep the focus on me and what I can do to help and change me for the better. I do not want to speak of them except for when I absolutely have to when I am dealing with a flashback or a trigger and I need to go over it to get through it and to be able to put it behind me. Sometimes I have to find and then feel it so I can finalize it. But I notice it is not anywhere near the frequency and intensity that it used to be. I am slowly taking my life back into my hands
